Coasting….

Therapy is a good thing. At this point, I wish I could go every day.

Me: I’m tired.

Therapist: Of course you are! This is more than a breakup. Real damage was done. I’m okay with you coasting right now as long as you are the wind behind your sails. No self destruction.

This:

Good morning,

So, I’m on a bus trying to keep my composure. 

Here’s the deal as my therapist just framed it 

“I have been through more than a break up with Chris.” I lived in Hell with him. In only a year he managed to do a lot of damage. Serious damage. He is a seriously unwell, harmful man.

It being only three months since things ended, I’m learning a few things:

1. Much healing needs to be done.

2. I have zero self-esteem/self love right now. I do not respect myself. 

3. I need to work on myself. 

4. I need to help my children heal. Feel stable again. 

5. I’m not ready to deal with someone else’s feelings. 

I haven’t liked myself much in putting myself in a FWB situation. I have continued to do it because I know you are emotionally unavailable and therefore in some ways not a threat to my heart. 

I’m sorry that we met under these circumstances. I know I am not this slutty kind of girl and I regret that I’ve allowed you to see me in this light. I have not respected myself or been true to my values. I own this. This has all been my choice.  

Besides, I’m sure there are way more exciting FWBs out there at this point.

So, I’m going to take some distance and work on myself. This is not healthy for me or you. 

Take care – you’re on the right track to healing – keep going. 💕

Tears…

Feel no feelings

This little mantra was offered to me at my last hair appointment as the topic of some of us women being too nice, too understanding, too caretaking aka codependent doormats of sorts was being discussed. Instead of attracting wonderful human beings into our lives, we attract the toxic and narcissistic. Why? Because we are so accommodating as to forgive peoples flaws to the point of not recognizing ourselves and our own needs. 

It’s okay to be a caretaker, it’s certainly necessary to be nice in this life. It is, however, not our responsibility to take on other people’s problems, needs, wants while losing ourselves in the process. To this I said “Why can’t I just be a hard ass?” Enter the mantra “Feel no feelings”. 

I don’t know how much I can actually subscribe to such a statement. It’s the polar opposite of how I’ve existed my entire life. 

I think it is more a matter of being the nice girl with boundaries. Knowing when to say no, knowing how to be there for people without actually taking on their life too. Finding compassion without becoming codependent. If we have to become someone else to be loved by another then we are with the wrong person. 

I don’t want to feel no feelings. I want to experience the joy in my kids, friends and colleagues. When it comes to the opposite sex, I’m not in a place to have feelings right now.  My heart just won’t allow it. In that regard, I’m out of commission. So I can heal, I guess and it seems to be out of my control at this point. I just can’t… Flowers, flash mobs or a scene from Say Anything will leave me indifferent… I haven’t been here before. Apathy towards romantic gestures. I haven’t figured out what that means yet or how that changes. 

I followed the advice of a friend who’s way less doormat – like than me. Went on Bumble to find, I don’t know what… Turns out Bumble is Tinder… Is this where it’s at? I have to resort to becoming Tinder trash?

I swipe right on a firefighter. I’m not impressed by this because I know all too well the uniform doesn’t make the man. My ex-husband is a firefighter. I swipe right because there’s an endearing smile there and I’m willing to test if I can be “that girl”. Why? Apathy. I don’t have to care – it’s the underlying premise of a meat market right? To not care and just be basic. Ugh.

“What are you looking for on here?” I ask.  “Friends with benefits, I guess, see what happens?” says the firefighter. Okay – let’s do this. My friends are like KayKay this is not you. Are you sure you can handle this? Of course, I can, I’m numb – I truly don’t care, about as much as this guy probably doesn’t care either. I try to convince them and myself that I can be this person. I lie to them and lie to myself. 

I’m going in to this carrying an extra 20+ lbs that messes with my head daily.  I want to just go hardcore on the workouts and running but I have a disc that’s ready to explode if I afford it the conditions to do that. So, when I push, it bitch slaps me back to reality and slows me down. Ten of these miserable pounds I want to lose are directly related to that disc. It took running from me and paved the way to a silent suffering and depression which lead me to good old friends: wine and jujubes. I ate my feelings because I’m KayKay. I don’t whine. I put on a brave face – so as not to bring other people down or make them worry. Instead, I eat my emotions. This time forgetting that I don’t have exercise to counteract the garbage going into my pie hole. Poof 15 lbs which I scaled back for Mexico 2017.   

After Mexico, brought a toxic home life that fired up my anxiety to the point where I entered work with some low level PTSD. Trembling and consumed by confusion and self doubt. I can’t destroy these feelings through exercises and they’re exhausting me. I turn to food.

So, I’m entering this FWB situation not loving myself too much which kind of takes away from the whole sexy experience it’s supposed to be…

Not to mention firefighter is a big teddy bear who is still not over his ex. I spend a lot of my time playing therapist. Fine but that’s where the codependent begins. I’m trying to heal myself right now, I can’t afford to take this on…

I realize last night as I’m playing therapist again. That I choose to cross boundaries for this person and keep others at bay because this guy is not available. He is no threat to me. And so this morning, I recognize that I need to distance myself from that… Soon…

I realize I’m now going to therapy tomorrow not to deal with all the disastrous relationships I’ve experienced and the why. I’m going to find out how to love myself, I’m not sure I ever truly have…

The ugly truth…

May 2017

This post was prompted by an argument that occurred between my teenage son and ex-husband. I was thrown under the bus so my ex could save face. My ex has told his new wife, friends, and town of Shawville a selective version of our divorce. 

Most of the time I don’t care what his version is. However, when selected pieces are fed to my children to undermine my relationship and somehow make me less in their eyes. I will not be silent. 

When after 10 years, someone can’t be “friends” with me because I’m the “ex”. That’s an unpleasant reminder of the other side’s smear campaign and lack of accountability for two things:

1. The reason for the divorce (irrelevant to all). 

2. The relationship fostered with the children by their father and stepmother. 

I have struggled with whether to post the thoughts that follow but recent events with my oldest child lead me to want to speak a little of my truth. I may lose “friends” in posting this, most will just scroll over it. That’s okay – I understand. I had a wee heart to heart with someone recently who said “The bubbly Krista who helped me through rough times hasn’t been around for a couple of months.” Probably the biggest proponent of that is the fact that my children, are children of divorce and it has impacted them. Affected them – they need some repair and perspective. After 10 years of divorce, it is still unhealthy. My son was recently burdened by an untruth about why our marriage ended and it provoked him to question my integrity and loyalty as his mother. It burdened him with unnecessary information and inaccurate information. It is a slander that was spread through the small community I used to live and teach in. It reached my colleagues, my parents and my parents’ friends. I had to explain myself unnecessarily then and now recently to my son. Then I had to tell him the ugly truth about my divorce, a truth I have fought hard to protect all of my children from. “Children will be allowed to be children. There will be no yelling today…” The beginning of a long past family Christmas get together directed to my spouse. 
Yelling, anger, verbal abuse, physical aggression towards children, selfishness, laziness, and disrespect were the instruments of destruction in my marriage. I used to drop my kids off some mornings before teaching, cry my eyes out to the parking lot of the school, brush myself off, enter the classroom and put on a show. 

In my marriage, I did everything that both partners should share equally in and I decided that if that was the case – I would eliminate the toxic from our lives and continue on a lone parent as I had already been doing. This time, no anger. 

For 10 years, I have been the lone parent, managing a career and raising children. Having 4 days of down time a month. That’s 480 days of down time for me over 10 years in contrast to my ex’s 3240 days to manage himself, his wife and his work without interruption from the realities of raising kids full time. My children have been burdened with the fact that child support is paid, amounts having been announced at family functions. Seeds have been planted by father and stepmother that they pay for our life. 

Guess what? When mom has sole custody (never once challenged) her sacrifice is all of her time and the dad’s sacrifice is the pay cheque. P.S. child support amounts are decided by Justice Canada and not me and financial hardship (as claimed) can be filed through the courts.

My children chose not to see their father for 10 months straight because of his anger and lack of attention. Their initial assessment of a good time with their dad in the early years was that he did not yell much. That has been and remains the truth and reality as to why the divorce happened and why there is no shared custody. Not because I’m the big bad guy punishing my ex but because I love my children and I will not allow them to be immersed in a toxic environment. 

My marriage ended because my spouse chose anger and himself over love and family. That is our truth. Nothing else. 

Divorce is not the easy way out, it is painful and challenging. It demands that both parents set their own negative feelings aside for the sake of the children. The unfortunate truth is that is not always the case. 

Spare your kids the details and love them to bits. 

Parenting isn’t about you….

“Love your children more than you hate your ex” ~Tamara Judge

September 2017

My children choose not to go to their  dad’s.  Tears pour as they struggle with protecting themselves, digesting their relationship with their father or lack there of, and worrying about hurting their dad’s feelings. Thank goodness for therapy. This is beyond my scope of being able to kiss it better or flip the switch with an ice cream. 

I look at other people’s situations, how unhealthy their ex’s are and yet they send their kids to them half the time. Seven days on, seven days “off”. I’m envious and confused at the same time. 

I couldn’t fathom sending my kids to their dad at 2.5 and 5 years old without supervision. Who would protect them? Who would be the voice of reason? How would I sleep? 

Yet other people make the choice to send their kids, to not fight it. Do I have it wrong? Should I have chosen to do things differently? Maybe my kids would have seen the truth sooner and it wouldn’t be such a struggle for them? 

Fourteen days “off”. To be turned off, to only worry about me. To do as I please. Sounds fantastic. I’m envious. I wish that could be our situation. As I get older having that kind of down time would be luxurious. 

That’s not the choice I made. I feel I made the right choice and the reality is the Arrangement was never once challenged. My ex has not worked on himself. 

My only regret is having spent energy behind the scenes doing damage control for my ex, trying to keep the kids positive. Many days and nights spent helping them accept a stepmother, again doing damage control for my ex burdening them with the need to make her feel special. 

It is not the child’s responsibility to soothe your feelings, insecurities or to make you feel special. That should come organically because you are treating them like the treasures they are. Kinda like a karma thing…

As I write this Ginger calls.

Her: How are you? 

Me: Good but effing tired.

Her: Let’s plan your kids coming here for a weekend so you can have some time to yourself. You need a break. Seriously, it’s happening.

I love my friends. 

Lenses


Final blog, I thought so, but a career change affords me the freedom to write. Although my previous blog posts make me want to re-consider this…

I have just re-read some of my previous posts which at the time I probably thought were brilliant and insightful. Now, I read them and see the wreck I was. Self awareness is a wonderful lense. It brings things into focus, magnifies things, good and bad. 

Lenses…a catch phrase I kept repeating to my most recent ex(She says feeling like a poor version of  Elizabeth Taylor). “Change your lense not your location.” Blending a family is hard, it doesn’t happen in 11 months. Ironically, I am the one who needed to change my lense. I needed to see the situation for what it was. Mission impossible. You cannot change people. When they speak their truth, accept it. 

Blinders. Codependent behaviour. Those final days. Friday, June 16. We walk to the park. My lense is to get things back on track. I’ve just been to therapy, I’m entering the conversation with tools for success. His lense – anger. The cursing and yelling because I said I didn’t believe that I needed to take the internet modem every time a child was sick. So much yelling. When it’s over for someone else, it’s over. All this the night before I have to get up and do a reading at a funeral to honour my best friend’s mother, my aunt. 

Saturday, June 17. Funeral. Stress. In the morning I am met with more anger and button pushing. I state I’m not open to this interaction as I have a funeral reading to do. I’m met with “Life stops because you have a funeral to go to!?!?” Lense change! Focus.  

June 19…text message. A name. “Is that a marriage counsellor?” I ask.  Nope, realtor. The end. The two months that follow are just bewilderment and disappointment and a lot of wine.  A lot of wine. 

Therapist “I’m not sure there’s comfort in this but you need to know, this relationship literally ended over nothing.” She understands. She met the ex, she saw what I was up against. So much unhealthiness existed there. Dooped. Disappointed. Discouraged. Discombobulated. Devastated. 

New lense. Re-reading the transcript of the last two years. I have been Codependent in my relationships. Most of my relationships have been with narcissists. Gotta fix that situation. I think I’ve bought out amazon.ca books on narcissism and codependency on a quest to never repeat this again. The codependency books are helpful but the Narcissist books take me to a bad place, I’m not ready for those. 

Lense: You can’t be so in love with the idea of happy ever after that you aren’t seeing the now for what it is. The person in front of you is who they are. See them. Screw the happy ever after and see them, see them because if you don’t, the ending is just a natural disaster.

Heart of ice. “Feel no feelings.” I’m hoping this is a lense that will re-focus with time. Flowers at work ignites my anxiety. I want to actually be sick. Boys wanting dates just leads to sighs and indifference. A Facebook message from someone telling me, I’m the one that got away but alas they’re engaged, their initiation out of the blue- my first tears in months, they pour. Where’s the comfort in being the one that got away? None. He needed me to tell him it was okay, so I did. Done. 

 The old me would have received those flowers, compliments and messages and started that happy ever after movie playing in my head. Those lenses are gone. This is a good thing but the lenses will certainly need to be adjusted. Damn, they were pretty flowers.  


Slowly adjust the lenses…

Koi Fish – I read that blog post… Geezus. I very rarely remember my dreams. The koi fish dream came after I met a widower online. The widower was wrought with grief and pain. A handsome, intelligent, writer, father… but broken like me. Only worse, he had found happy ever after and it was taken too soon. I remember reading his blog about the loss of his beautiful wife and full on weeping.  I had not met him face to face. We were both existing in sadness. Then the koi fish dream. The widower standing by the pond. Happy. The brain is a messed up thing when we slumber… what lense does it wear when we sleep? Multi-focal lenses? Mary Jane type lenses….  What came from this? Some writing.

Bumble? Friends with benefits? Dating yet again at 42. Ugh. No thanks. I’m enjoying my kids, my friends, some running (disc don’t give out on me now), a fantastic new career and a mentor who thinks I’m some version of Carol Burnett. Sure, okay…

“Feel no feelings” 

Lense: self care…

Final blog… 💋💋💋

imageI just walked a corridor where I could hear whistling around the corner. It’s Friday. Most people are smiling and whistling. I have been whistling in my cubicle too.
This morning I signed a document that brought a smile I could not contain to my face. I wanted to skip with elation to my vehicle. I felt like a big deal as I made my way from the building to my car. You don’t realize how numb or low you’ve been until you feel high and alive. Nothing beyond what should be the norm but when the norm has been dark and heavy, it’s certainly great to have the sun be like an embrace instead of being a blinding truth. The sun shines and people whistle. I am one of the whistling people today and I do not feel it is a fleeting thing.
Being on track after such a catastrophic derailment is a feeling beyond words.
Looking forward to a night out at the race track. Walking Dead slot machines. Gotta be lucky.
I’m tasting stability. Happiness, genuine happiness and contentment. I’m an Aries so it makes me want everything to be perfectly in order and shiny right now. One tiny taste and I want the whole buffet, now!! The voice of reason reminds me “You can’t move a mountain in a day”. I love that ‘voice’. Typically my inner Aries would be like “Oh yeah, dear Yoda…watch me move that damn mountain tomorrow!!!!” Not now. Not this time. Now, I’m just like yeah you’re right, I’ll just sit my old ass down for a bit instead cuz I won’t be moving anything if I burn out. Burn out is not an option…

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Celebratory lunch with T. Smiles and giggles. Horoscopes that read like they were written just for me. I’m glad I’m here. Literally and figuratively. There were days where I may have wished I was not, where everything was just too much for me to deal with. When my heart is not handled properly, when I do not handle my heart properly, it’s easy to go to that place. I don’t want to be there. I want to be here. I am here…no looking back.


This blog is coming down. It has been therapeutic to write most of it. Some of it I wish I could keep writing. I will probably do so privately. There are things in my heart and on my mind that need to be locked away and shared only face to face; perhaps never to be shared. It’s hard not to write those things out, to hold back. Spell them out. And then some things are just better left unsaid. I’ve posted and then deleted stuff. Some stuff I have posted and it set my heart a pounding… Some stuff I have deleted after posting, feeling foolish and well, my Aries fire doesn’t help either…. And so I move from the blah, blah, blah to this:

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This morning as I drove in to work I heard this song and I thought I want to post this in my blog, it spoke to me. It spoke to me, that’s all. I was listening to 88.5 Live, it’s the only connection I can make right now….

Song blog…

I love this song! Love love love!

And these onesthey play frequently on my iPhone, they have for years with the exception of the last one its new but I love to dance to it or run 😉 ….

 

Music is my escape!! Always has been. I’m either lost in the lyrics or moving to the beat. No one will ever make me turn off my music again. It’s what keeps my home alive, sparkling and connected. Never again!

Always a work in progress. Trust and fear they still present as obstacles some days. I’ll just keep conquering them and I will let romantic love in. It will come… I want it to.

Always alright…Ciao Bellas!!!
Muah 💋

 

“He’s just…”

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We’re taught that in life, we should try to look on the bright side, to be optimistic. Not in this case. In this case, look on the dark side. Assume rejection first. Assume you’re the rule, not the exception.

Greg Behrendt

I referred to Greg Behrendt’s book the other day. I have friends in the dating world dealing with men who seem to be playing games. Making the girl an option. Taking her heart for granted and using it for their entertainment or ego.

I don’t give a rats ass what their current situation is or yours, if they are in to you they will say so. If there is a valid reason they cannot fully give their heart at this time, they need to take it slow; they will tell you. They will be honest about that because they will not want to lose you. If they are truly interested, they will tell you that too. They will show you! Their actions will match their words. No one is so busy that they cannot drop you a text or two in 24 hours. No one! 

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Conversely, they will not ever simply tell you they aren’t into you. Especially if they want to keep you as an option. Or simply they are immature cowards who fear you’re crazy, your tears or you will unleash a verbal beat down.

If you tell someone your heart is open to them and they tell you don’t get close or they don’t know what they want, they are figuring it out,  but keep texting you. Or they don’t text for days and days and then reappear like they never left you hanging. They are just not into you!! They’re in to one person though – themselves. They need a little ego boost or distraction and they’ve got your ‘number’. You’re a sure thing. A guaranteed response. The best cure for that ladies? Lose their number! Do not respond to those texts!!! Your heart is not a game. Your number is not an outlet for boredom! “Never make someone a priority who only makes you an option”.

Cryptic texting that makes the person mysterious or raises questions. Drop that game honey. Your heart is a pawn. Leave the unsolved mysteries to the FBI!

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You shouldn’t have to romanticize something or fill in the blanks. Especially in the adult realm of 35 plus year olds. Come on ladies, we’re smarter than this!

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Stop telling yourself you’re the exception to this dude. If you were, there’d be no wondering. No questioning. No assuming. No agonizing. Every day, yes every single day, you’d know you’re on his mind. He’ll want it that way because he couldn’t afford to let someone as good as you get snapped up by someone else.

“But what I can do is paint you a picture of what you’ll never see when you’re with a guy who’s really into you: You’ll never see you staring maniacally at your phone, willing it to ring. You’ll never see you ruining an evening with friends because you’re calling for your messages every fifteen seconds. You’ll never see you hating yourself for calling him when you know you shouldn’t have. What you will see is you being treated so well that no phone antics will be necessary. You’ll be too busy being adored.”

Greg Behrendt

If  he contacts every minute of the day with unrelenting phone calls and an engagement ring in the first month… That’s excessive. That’s psychotic. Run away fast. And read about dating a sociopath if you’re even considering romanticizing this kind of excessive attention. Been there done that, got the battle scars…

Someone can be in a place in their life where they are not ready to date. They can. If they are true to themselves, they will take themselves off the market and they will tell you they are doing so. If they see how awesome you are, they will not want to hurt you. They will prevent that from happening. They will not make you the fool. The option. You are not here for someone else’s entertainment while they figure their shit out. Not cool!

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We read the books. We experience the shit and we still romanticize it!!! A turd covered in glitter, is still and always will be a turd!!!  I don’t care how handsome they are or how flashy that smile is ladies! Handsome is as handsome does!

God damn it why do we settle? Don’t! You are amazing and you deserve more!

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I don’t understand how we get to the place where the message is clear but we still think it is something other than it is. We all do it at some point. We exhaust ourselves. Love should not be exhausting. It should be energizing and invigorating.

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Believe you are worth more than scraps of someone’s time. If someone puts your heart on a string, buy scissors!

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Oh happy day…

Today was a grrrrrreat day!!! I have moved from fear to happiness. In two weeks, I will start a new chapter of my life. It is exciting and nerve wracking but mostly just amazing. I look forward to looking forward to getting out of bed each day and going to work. To enter a building I have been dreaming of as an employee and not just a visitor. It has been a long time coming and I will not carry question marks with me on this journey any longer! No more what if I had… I’m excited!! Thank you to Carly for bringing me clarity and making sense because you are just incredibly smart!

A colleague thinking I was on my last days at my current place of employment came in when he wasn’t supposed today. Here are three people who have no idea the impact they have had on me simply by being themselves everyday. Simply by sharing a space with me. They are all just wonderful. I will miss them. But I will tell them what they mean to me before I leave. Hopefully without tears but this is me we are taking about…. Oye… I got teary just thinking about saying goodbye to them and my heart filled when my fellow Aries was like “What? I thought you were gone Friday!?!?! Why did I come in? But then we all made our way to the kitchen and laughed. Read our horoscopes and analyzed. Jay Jones read us the recipe section of the Metro and I told him which ones he should make and bring in for us. Then we went back to our cubicles and I cursed him for the hundreds of chocolates waiting at his desk to be eaten. They celebrated with me this afternoon when I confirmed my date of departure. All smiles like proud parents. They are amazing people. A tribe I leave behind physically but I will always have what they have given my spirit. Renewal. Belief in the existence of good humans again. Kindness. Hard work. Integrity. Laughter. Work family. I will miss these three immensely!

I have been sitting here thinking about what I can get them before I leave. Questions about notes in kids’ lunches makes me remember a friend initiating a kindness jar for someone. And I think oh yes!!! That’s it I will leave them a variation of an affirmation or memories jar. Notes they can pull out each day leading up to Christmas.

I will do this for my kids and for other special humans in my life.

Here is a link to a “You Are” jar… I will make a variation on this. I like the tag on this jar.

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Check out the full post on how to do a You Are jar here  http://geekclubbooks.com/2013/11/you-are-jar-of-positive-affirmations/

I would add photos with notes on them about the moment captured. Make it to suit your personality and the needs of the recipient. So much fun!! I can’t wait to start mine. Mason jars can be found cheap at the dollar store along with stickers and tags oh my! Love this!

Bring on Friday!!! Friday is going to be epic! Well, the whole damn weekend is gonna be. Fast forward please!!!

This is what today was like. Happy! The pictures we take at our friends’ request. My daughters laughed hard in taking this one. I thought I might pee my pants.

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Muah 💋

Tell your story…

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In a few days, I will not be posting as much if at all.

I hung out with Ginger last Saturday which was nice. I’m a homebody so you’ll never get an argument from me to stay home, sip wine and hang out. We had a lot of catching up to do. Two years essentially kept apart by the sociopath. A lot of catching up that phone calls here and there couldn’t do. It was unexpectedly emotional. Tears.

Tears of I missed you. I had shown Ginger a post. As she was reading it, she took a deep breath as though trying to keep it together. I asked what the breath was about. She said “…and the sociopath worked his manipulation…” My heart sank. The conversation got heavy. It needed to, there’s repair required. Renewal. Her words “I could see what was happening. I felt I was losing you. We were losing you. What choice do I make? Do I tell you what I know and see and lose you? Do I choose to say nothing and lose you anyway? But I knew you would stop it and get out. I just didn’t know when. I hate him for what he did.” And then we cried.

And all I could say was “Me too.” And I cried. I sat at the same table in the summer and cried as I listened to a man express is heartbreak and pour tears at what the sociopath had done. Things the sociopath said to him that he knew I would be crushed to learn. And then the sociopath drove the wedge in between us to try to keep the truth from me. I sat as a grown man cried because I allowed the sociopath to win for a while. I cried with him.

I am lucky that I have friends who truly know me. Who could see that it was not me but him. They did not walk away. Some did but they were not real friends. My true friends knew I was not living my truth but living under the control of someone else. They knew I would come to my senses but it did not lessen the heartache there was in watching it. In losing time together.

Love should not hurt or isolate. If someone truly loves you, they will want to see you happy and spending time with other loved ones. They will want to see a smile on your face because it means your heart is happy. And your heart should matter not be manipulated.

Time does not wait for us. Time lost is time lost. Take back your time today and surround yourself with the people you love and trust. Get back to loving yourself  and the right person will appear and love you as you should be loved. Completely and unconditionally. They will make time for you and in some beautiful moments they will make time feel as though it is standing still. xo

Muah 💋

Second chances…

I do not wish to be in the midst of either destruction or distraction…

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A photograph or two and a quote can sure bring clarity. Clarity is good.

Clarity….

I am grateful for second chances wherever it may lead…

At the time I met the Sociopath, I had been talking with a sweet, smart and funny man. We were to meet officially on his birthday at DQ. Instead, the Sociopath worked his manipulation and I cancelled that date. Two plus years ago. That cancellation was always on my mind especially as things worsened with the Sociopath and well it was just simply rude. I would tell my friends “I blew off a really nice guy on his birthday for this! On his freaking birthday!” This being the socio.

Going on POF again after the Sociopath was an extremely terrifying thing to do.

On there for a couple of weeks and then getting ready to delete my profile because well, it wasn’t what I needed or where I wanted to be…there he appeared.

I saw a familiar face had viewed my profile…. I recognized the user name. I reached out, certain I would be told politely to take a hike which I would have understood, even deserved really. It’s probably what I would have done to be honest.

But that’s not what happened…

And so I have been giving kudos and shout outs to people who have touched me. Some over a lifetime, some over several years, some I have only just met.

I want to say thank you here, to you, Chris. Thank you for bringing laughter back in to my life in a way I have not known it for a long time. Real laughter. Tears down my face laughter. It’s awesome. Walmart milk shenanigans, I still see you half way in the fridge dealing with “buddy” so I could get my 1% milk. Me as a ‘homeless’ girl going to pick up her race kit October 24 and laughing her ass off in the car to jokes about my appearance coming over bluetooth. Chai lattés…lmao!

Thank you for reading this nutso blog and being understanding. For reading this blog and not simply assuming I am some broken, mad woman. For reading about out to lunch koi fish references and persevering.

Thank you for seeing me as a human being with a story, a story that doesn’t define who I am but is just a part of my journey.

Thank you for embracing my thought bubbles and helping me pop them when needed.

Thank you for being patient and considerate.

I’m glad I did not miss this year’s birthday 😉

You are smart. You are funny. You are a good human.

Thank you for being you and letting me be me.  😊

I know you enjoy my nerd speak immensely, so this is for you…

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Thank you Maj. XO

 

 

 

 

“Martyr Saint…”

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“Thank you once again for being the martyr Saint.”  Everyone tells me not to give these words another thought given their source. Don’t let him get in there.  So, this is where we are at after 8 years of divorce? Name calling and anger. A distorted reality.

Saint? Maybe.  Martyr? Inaccurate. This term is the most insulting.  This one is hardest to shake. Exaggerating circumstance to play victim and get sympathy. I am not a victim. I do not walk around this world crying the blues and asking people to pity me. I do not walk around announcing to the people I meet, I’m a single parent, feel sorry for me. Do not feel sorry for me! I do not feel sorry for me.  Sometimes I feel lonely.  Sometimes I feel angry that I do this all alone. But I do not pity myself, I am not a victim, and never want to be treated like one! Ever! That will not go over well with me.

Have I had to muster a lot of strength to deal with my ex-husband with class and grace? Yes, the energy it has taken to protect my children from the truth and to ensure they did not hate their new stepmom, because they wanted to, has been exhausting.  That is just a fact.  Please don’t feel sorry for me, I’m not asking you to.  I don’t want to live in sadness and anger. I consciously choose not to.  Do I visit sadness and anger? Occasionally, but not for long.  I need to. I’m human.  Everyone needs to connect with their emotions, reflect on circumstance, so that they can move past it. Face it and conquer it.

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Three Superman shirts, I own them. I’ve earned them! No apologies…

Am I going to downplay being a single parent? No!!!  It’s a tough gig!!!!! To deny that it can be a struggle would be a lie.  I am not a liar. It is wrought with worry and insecurity.  Fear of failure. Fear that it will have long term impact on the well-being of my children. The cure for this? Love. Dancing in the kitchen together.  Singing at the top of our lungs. Hugs and kindness. Friends and family who love us and support us.

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Anyone who knows me, knows I like to fly under the radar and only when I need to release stress, will I vent out the facts and feelings surrounding a situation. I need to, to survive.  I asked to create this blog so that I can tell parts of my story and maybe in doing so, something will resonate with someone else and it will help them. Reality? There’s probably a handful of people reading this. People I have told about it. People who already know. I am not looking for attention and I certainly don’t need anyone’s pity.  I have not and will not exaggerate anything here.  I will state the facts and my feelings.  People who are not ‘feelings’ people won’t get it. That’s okay, it’s not for you.

So, where is this coming from?  My ex-husband and I are revisiting our parenting agreement. He feels that his budget is tight due to significant child support payments.  Key word “budget”.  Change your budget because your children aren’t going anywhere!  My ‘sacrifice’ in our divorce has been my time and his, his bank account.  This is a constant source of friction. Him complaining about paying. I don’t set the amounts.  Call a lawyer, figure out what the payments should be. For eight years, I have made this statement.

Eight years later, it is still an issue and now that I have busted my hump doing all of the hard work and the kids are essentially self-sufficient, my ex wants to have joint custody. Why? Budget, finances, a desire to cut costs… Most weekends my children do not want to go there.  They say he is angry and yells and boots them outside for hours on end while he sits inside.  They wander around the ghetto of Ottawa, killing time.  My ex has taken to bashing me in their presence and his wife has too. The bashing is usually financially motivated. After all of the damage control I have done. Playing the devil’s advocate. Being the peacekeeper. Shielding. I find myself thrown under the bus. I can’t accept it anymore.  This day could not be avoided. My ex-husband is selfish, angry and verbally abusive.  He says sorry but then repeats bad behaviour. That’s what abusers do. The kids were going to figure out who he is, how he is, sooner or later.  I hoped they wouldn’t. I hoped he’d change.  It’s not to be. Change is not to come and now I have to stand up and do what is necessary for my babies. I’m not being a martyr!!  I am being a mother.

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At the time of my divorce, I used to think “Who will want me? Who will want us? This life. How will I do this? Who will ever sign on for this?”  Abused and alone, trying to survive the devastation of a life’s plan blown to pieces… I used to believe that a man would be the solution, a partner and this lead me to bring some undeserving people into our lives. I am not a perfect parent, I have made mistakes big and small.  My children have always known love, we have survived many things because we are a family.  I am strong and from my strength they gain strength.  Have they seen me crumble? Be sad? Yes, they have.  I used to think that was weakness and it was unpleasant for them, shocking even.  They saw tears but they saw me rise out of it. We’ve talked about being human and we’ve acted as family do. Hugging and loving each other through challenging times.  Unfortunately and fortunately, they have seen that you do not take someone’s abuse.  You do not stay in unhealthy relationships.  You push your way through and come through the fire, smiling and with love in your heart. My children have said they wish I could have my happy ending because of the bozos we have known here. The temporary heartbreak.  I don’t need a man to be happy.  My children are my happy ending.  They are the reason I get up in the morning, they are the reason I survive, they are where I find my strength. They are Love.

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Am I tired?  Yes, so tired.  I feel weak. Do I need a night off sometimes? Yes.  Some women do not get that.  Some women never get that.  I am fortunate. My circumstance actually calls for gratitude because it could be so much worse. We are blessed. We will be okay.

I haven’t always been strong.  I have gone to the ‘darkside’,. I have wanted to check out. In the first year of my divorce, feeling like a failure, I threw myself into my work, I worked out like a beast and I drank like a fish on my kidless weekends. There’s nothing to be found in a bottle but it’s bottom. A metaphor for life.  I wont settle for bottom. My children deserve more.

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I’m not sure I have the fight in me to deal with the custody battle that looms but that is what the lawyer is for.  I’m handing the load to someone else, finally. It has been hard to tell our story to the lawyer. To relive it, revisit the emotions. To keep the anger in check because if I lose it, we all lose here. So hard.  Yesterday, I opened the email from my lawyer. She summarized my concerns so succinctly in a draft letter and it reads so blunt. The truth. The hard truth, like a punch to the gut.  There is worry about his reaction. Will he take it out on the kids? He already is.  October 24, he took it out on them verbally.  They don’t want to go there, I don’t want them to go either.  ENOUGH!!

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I always wanted to be a mom.  I never saw it playing out this way.  I never knew love like this until I held my children in my arms.  My son is my first experience with love at first sight.  I have never had my heart fill like that. Pure love.  Who knew that your “heart could walk outside of your body”. All I want is for them all to know love and their worth. I thought they needed their father in their lives; a man.  A man does not abuse his children.  He does not bash the mother of his children.  That is not a man.

I can do both. I have been the one to tie a tie, Youtube, yay! I have been the one to toss the baseball and show my son that I can hit the ball well, to his surprise. Taught him how to swing a bat.  I have taught them how to swim, how to catch frogs.  I have sparred in my living room with my son. I have shown them strength and love. I hope my son is learning how to be a man. A real man.  Sometimes we learn what to do by seeing what should not be done.  Concept attainment – Barry Bennett

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I woke up to this in my Twitter mail…

OMG marry me Dwayne! God this man makes me melt ;)
OMG marry me Dwayne! God this man makes me melt 😉

I’ll find the strength, I always do. I’m a survivor! Not a victim and not a martyr.  Go ahead, try me!!

Always alright,

Muah xoxoxo