Monthly Archives: October 2015

Life with a sociopath continued


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Is it because it’s Halloween? People soon masquerading as things they are not. Is it the moon? Is it the email that sat in my inbox at work yesterday? The email was nothing,  just blah blah blah about the trailer. Stalling… It’s seeing the name and the thick swallow that comes before opening the email.

I do know I set out to have some of this blog be about my life with a sociopath-narcissist. So this is a continuation of the blog post living with a sociopath…. Deep breath.

When you hear the word sociopath, you likely think of criminal behaviour…things the movies or crime shows tell us a sociopath might be. Scary, violent, serial killers…good people like myself would think based on Hollywood portrayals that a sociopath only exists in the movies and that encountering one would be rare. But this is not the case.

1 in 25 people is a sociopath and they are not typically serial killers as we know them from the silver screen. They are soul killers. They gleefully and without remorse tap in to your soul and set out to extinguish it’s light.

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When Maya and I spoke, she was convinced our sociopath was a pure narcissist but my instincts were sociopath. It turns out we are both right. He is both and he is evil. Ever looked a devil in the eye?

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So My relationship with the sociopath was on fast forward. He said and did, literally, the same things to me, Maya, Téanna. I’m sure if Téanna had have given him the engagement ring back, I would have been the third woman to sport it. Unlike the average person who might feel guilty doing such a thing, the sociopath would have gotten some sort of sick high out of it and in his psychosis wouldn’t have had a problem bringing me to mom and dad and having me show off a ring they’d already seen on the hands of the previous two women.

Meeting his family

That leads me to meeting his family. December 24, 2013. I was going to meet the family. It was Christmas, I was going to experience my first Christmas morning without my babies and I’m meeting this guy’s family for the first time. I’ve been waiting for it all day. He picks me up from work and starts telling me he doesn’t want to go, he fought with his mother and told her he wouldn’t be there. Chaos…drama…just the start of it. Who fights with their mom on Christmas Eve??? He told me he was close with his family and friends, especially his mother (Mirroring societal norms and mirroring what he knew I would want; a family oriented man). So how does someone close to their family, fight with their mom on Christmas Eve? They are a sociopath and they’ve lied to you. I made him get on the phone and call his mom, apologize and tell her we are going to be there. I adore Christmas and being with my family.

Red flag hello!?!? I did not like this. So we get ready to go and he is going in to work in the middle of the night. Yep knowing what I know now – he left me all alone to be with another woman on Christmas morning.

As we get ready, he says to me “We will not talk about me working overtime. We’re going to go for like an hour and then leave.” I am bewildered. Why are we lying about this? He claimed his uncle would get seriously annoying about it, calling him money bags and going on about the overtime. He didn’t want to deal with that. And so why do we tell them we’re leaving early? Then just before we leave he tells me his brother is crazy, that he tends to fly off the handle and say crazy things. He’s aggressive… Oh my God, at this point I was freaking out. What am I walking in to?

Hindsight:

  1. His dad was a big deal in the department of the City the sociopath worked for. His dad would have known there was no overtime or at least blown his lie up. Nothing to do with the uncle.
  2. The brother needed to be this crazy person to be feared because of the text. The text in which the sociopath pretended to be his brother. If the brother is crazy, then I am less likely to believe what he says. His brother is likely the only one in the family that does not enable his psychosis.

I was so stressed walking in to that place. We walk in and the room falls silent, the young people in the room (our age-ish) are looking at me like they’ve seen a ghost. Well, I’m the third woman within 3 years to come to Christmas. Vomit. Nobody says a word to us until we hit the kitchen. His aunt and uncle are welcoming. His parents too. His dad especially. I get introduced around the room and no one says anything. It is so messed up. The sociopath proceeds to put his head on his mom’s shoulder and starts sobbing. Wtf?

I, being compassionate and good, attribute it to the fact that the brother is bouncing his baby boy on his knee and the sociopath did not have his son. I convinced Téanna to bring the child on Boxing Day for an hour but she’d have none of Christmas Eve which makes sense now. In my mind he is crying for his son. Being me ,I step to the kitchen trying not to cry myself, to give his aunt the cheese ball I brought. Here I get a bottomless glass of wine for which I will take my first round of abuse on the way home.

Everyone was nice, they seemed normal. The only person that didn’t fit was the sociopath. People made some conversation with him but it was forced.

The uncle keeps pouring me wine. The sociopath tells me that’s the last glass we need to leave. We eat and the family is going to play euchre. I love euchre!! I wanted to play. The brother is friendly, offering me fudge. The sociopath says we are going home and I will not be playing euchre. No one gets why we have to leave. We can’t tell them about the overtime…. The sociopath is getting agitated, restless, he wants to leave. He has somewhere to be. I chug back my last bit of wine and we head out.

In the jeep, he unleashes on me. “I told you I wanted to leave by 11pm. You agreed. Instead, you keep drinking and then make me look like an asshole because we have to leave and you want to play euchre.”  How is this my fault? His uncle kept pouring the wine. No one understands why we are leaving. We can’t talk about the overtime. It’s my first time there. It’s Christmas for goodness sake!!! This tongue lashing goes on and on until we get home. 45 minutes of it!!! Even going to sleep. I went to sleep on Christmas Eve like that, no babies to wake up to and believing I was some insensitive woman given he had to get up in the wee hours and go to “work”.

I’ve had three deaths of family members at Christmas: my paternal grandfather, my aunt, and my mother-in-law. This Christmas was worse than those. At least in the loss there was love. This was abuse but he had me convinced I was insensitive. Me? What a farce, looking back.

The Red Flags

This would not be the last of it. It would exist in our daily lives. This chaos and abuse. It would come out of nowhere. It would lead to threats of abandonment. When questioned he would lie or deflect things making me the bad guy for questioning him. It would include character assassination.

He would take opportunities like talking about his first girlfriend to tear me down, hit my weak spots. I have stretch marks from babies. They started with my son because I gained too much weight too fast with him. They became worse having had 14+ pounds of baby in my belly with the twins. I am extremely self conscious about it. It impacts my self-esteem greatly. In talking about his exgirlfriend, he threw in she was super skinny, a runner and never wanted to have children because she didn’t want to ruin her body. He did things like this…under the radar, less overt than a lot of his abuse. Going for the Achilles…

I wish I could post his picture. This God’s gift looking down on everyone.

He’d pick me apart as a mother. Pick my kids apart. Go on about how he was sure they were better than this at their dad’s. This guy was a douchebag, they knew it and they were unhappy. I remember him going on about how he couldn’t live here, in this town home, the kids weren’t following his rules for the chocolate lab, I was not supporting his authoritarian dictatorship in the home. He ranted and ranted at me. I finally lost it, I came upstairs locked myself in the washroom and called Kim. I was breaking… It felt like a nervous breakdown… She had to talk me down – I had never made a call like that to her. Broken, hysterical and crying – we’ve known eachother 40 years. Even as angry as my ex husband was and as nasty as sleeping as the enemy could be, I never made a broken phone call like that. I’m the strong girl, who cries tears of compassion but typically keeps her shit together. Kim “You can’t go on like this. You’re an amazing mom. This has to be his last chance.” He was knocking on the bathroom door. I told him I was on the phone. This made him extra agitated. One he didn’t want to look bad because he is superficial and two if I start involving other people he loses control. His ability to completely extinguish my soul will be blocked. Damn right asshole!

This behaviour would be followed by fake apologies. The learning curve claim. I’m the most amazing person he’s met. He hadn’t known love until me. In speaking with Téanna, he made the same pleas to her…verbatim. I can’t explain that feeling. The abuse was bad enough. Knowing that he said the same things to her, to Maya…the loving things, the compliments, the good things you think only your soul owns. It wasn’t reserved for me and ultimately it was just a tactic. A calculated move.

June 2014. One of the worst moments for me, although they were all horrid, happened on his birthday. The Friday before, he worked “overtime”. The girls and I decorated the house, Abbie made a cake. I made a beer bottle cake I saw on Pinterest. The dining room table was taken up with gift bags. He was walking in to an undeniable celebration of him. We were excited. Saturday night we were going to go on a date and my son would watch the girls. He was acting a little strange. A lot of smoke breaks… Oh well. I got ready. I have a lot of hair so it took me over an hour. I put on a lace top, over which a jean jacket was going, black pants, and black boots with a low heel. I came downstairs and the girls were like “Oooh mommy, you look so pretty!”. Not the sociopath, he says “Can we talk upstairs?” . He proceeds to tell me he’s not going anywhere with me looking like this. I look like a slut and just want attention from other guys. A slut? I may have amped up the sexy a bit but a slut? No way. He says we’re not going out. All that effort for nothing. I wanted to look good for him! I wanted him to be proud. I wanted him to have a peacock moment like “That’s right boys, take a good look but I’m taking this cutie home.” It was insane. It went on and on. Pure insanity. I changed my top. Black Gap tshirt right up to the neck.

We got in the car at one point and then he decided he wasn’t hungry. We stopped in Sobeys parking lot where he proceeded to tell me he couldn’t be with someone who needed this kind of attention, who acted this way and matter of fact he’s not sure he even loves me! The devastation of those words. I don’t even know if I really love you!!! I’ve had two relationships previous and even in the worst of times it is not something that was ever said by either side.

I told him he could leave. I didn’t need this in my life. I spent my entire Friday night running around in storms, to get cake mixes, beer bottles and decorating my home for him. I’ve never had anyone speak to me like this. Complain that I look good and tell me they do not love me. Abuse. I’m not sure what he expected. I’m not sure if he had plans with someone else. I’m not sure if it was just sick fun. He backtracked of course because I was serious. Take the door and get out. He manipulated and managed to stay but things were just not going to sit right with me from this point on. I felt trapped we had signed on for the trailer and 4 wheelers and I was breaking, weak, tired and I let him stay. Ten more months. Ten more months of abuse, isolation from my friends, isolation from my parents.

He used my line of credit as Monopoly money for Kijiji deals. Felt entitled to my money. I should cover his debts and we would work as a team to pay it off.

Team work was his mantra. We’re a team babe.  Maya says this is her fault because in the end that’s how she convinced him to action stuff. Teamwork and joint bank accounts. He is a sociopath and he will develop his skills in order to succeed.

I read this crap I am writing and I can’t believe it. That is only a snapshot. A handful of examples. I’m a smart lady. I have two degrees. The other women are university educated as well. It’s something we ask ourselves “How could we be so stupid?”

Mirroring….

This:

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Then there were lots of tantrums, fake crying to manipulate. Statements like call my mom or call my dad when he was backed into a corner. Weird!!!  Téanna and I laughed over that one. Such an absurd statement. It was nice she and I could find laughter in this insanity. Both being broken, her more broken than me. She lives in a constant place of fear because they have a child. There is no closure for her ever.

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Tantrums of I’m leaving or going upstairs to mope. Texting me to come upstairs and then ranting at me over the fact there was no place on the couch for him or something stupid. The girls were likely snuggled in and getting my attention. He couldn’t lie his head on me for me to rub his head for the 50 millionth time or rub his lazy ass feet!

His ego…

He thought he was God’s gift. His mom told him he was. He has a weird thing with his mom. My mom says only I can pull of a pink shirt, my mom would say these pants are my style.

He loved the mirror. Every time he got off the couch he would check himself out and flex his non existent biceps with his lame tribal tattoo.  If we were out, he’d flex his bicep, looking at it when he’d put his elbows on the table. He would flex it when he got up to walk to the washroom. He was obsessed with himself, what’d he need me for??

I’m horrible at ego stroking. Im not the girl who’s gonna be like look at my big strong man carrying this or that. Unless it’s really noteworthy. Oh you cleared out the dishwasher. Great, thank you. Wait a minute don’t you live here too? Do I get an award when I wash your shit stained underwear?? Get over yourself. Unless we’ve done something monumental or pulled off a really chaotic day, you won’t get any achievement certificates from me from simply pulling your weight.  But he needed that desperately. “Bet no ones helped you like this before, right?” “You’ve never had anyone like this in your life right” Nope, never had anyone quite like you. The selfishness and empty promises, yep been there.

Then the question every woman loves “Am I the best lover you’ve had?” Yes, yes dear. Reality: Worst ever! Horrible lover. You can’t be selfish and be a good lover. Lazy… worst ever!!! Téanna and I had a chuckle over this too. Seriously, what were we thinking. He was ignorant, ill mannered and there was no mind blowing sex to cloud things. We had a good chuckle on that one.

He had constant questions/statements like this. Aren’t I the best because…

The day he came to get the rest of his stuff, Carly was here.  He had to go to the jeep to get a pen. We watched him as he checked himself out in the window before opening the door. I was like see! See how much he loves himself. Even in this moment he is checking himself out. Then he needs a hose and mount from downstairs. Out comes the bicep check and Carly is like Huh??? Sigh..  It is just sickening. Again, I wish I could post a picture so you can see…see the delusion!

Even in the ego existed insecurity and the shadiness. A weak handshake and no eye contact. All very bad signs. Everyone in my life hates the no eye contact. The initial first impressions were that he was a bad dude but I didn’t see it yet because I was being groomed…

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Koi fish legend/meaning…

I have not remembered a single dream in I don’t know how long.. Not a single one… A few blogs ago I wrote about a vivid dream I had.

In it was a man, a man who in this reality suffers, silently yet publicly… A man I did not expect to see there. Completely unexpected. The man was happy, smiling as I have seen in photographs and briefly in person…

Everyone in the dream was genuinely happy…

And then I step into an area with a pond with the most beautiful fish, my mind recognizes them as koi fish. For the record, I know nothing about koi fish at the time they appear in this dream. Someone I know had them tattooed on the tops of their feet and that is the extent of my exposure to koi.

The man steps into the same area and stands at a distance, smiling. Without words we acknowledge the magnificence of the fish. It was a beautiful moment.

I haven’t had these “spiritual” experiences since my Sylvia Browne immersion in my twenties.

So, why am I dreaming about koi? What does this all mean. I get why the man appears, it makes sense at this moment but why koi?

Well, here’s what Google has to say… Make of it what you will. I read it and was like “No freaking way!”. Makes sense to me…

So here is the legend of the koi fish as found at  http://koistory.com/blog/koi-fish-meaning-and-myth.

Koi are a legendary fish. Graceful, vibrant, and one of the most recognizable fish in the world, koi are well-loved and respected. Often associated with Japan, koi actually originated from Central Asia in China. They were introduced to Japan by Chinese invaders. The koi got their name around 500 B.C, but the fish itself has been around for much longer. Fossils of ancient koi date back 20 million years. Natural genetic mutation brought about the brilliant colors in koi known today, and in the early 1800s Japanese farmers began keeping them for aesthetics. Over the years, koi fish meaning and symbolism has become iconic around the world.

THE LEGEND

One particular legend is the koi fish’s claim to fame. An ancient tale tells of a huge school of golden koi swimming upstream the Yellow River in China. Gaining strength by fighting against the current, the school glimmered as they swam together through the river. When they reached a waterfall at the end of the river, many of the koi turned back, letting the flow of the river carry them away.

The remaining koi refused to give up. Leaping from the depths of the river, they attempted to reach the top of the waterfall to no avail. Their efforts caught the attention of local demons, who mocked their efforts and heightened the waterfall out of malice. After a hundred years of jumping, one koi finally reached the top of the waterfall. The gods recognized the koi for its perseverance and determination and turned it into a golden dragon, the image of power and strength.

Impressed yet? I am!!! Holy moly!!!

Given my journey thus far and the man’s most tragic journey this legend is blowing my mind.

It begs the question, who gets to be the dragon? Or will we each emerge the dragon of our own independent, unrelenting  journeys up the waterfall?  Who knows?

Koi Fish Meaning and Symbolism

Koi fish are associated with positive imagery. Because of the dragon legend, they are known as symbols of strength and perseverance, as seen in their determinative struggle upstream. And because of the lone koi that made it to the top of the waterfall, they are also known as symbols of a destiny fulfilled. Resulting from its bravery in swimming upstream, the koi is oftentimes associated with Samurai Warriors in Japan. The integrity and high sense of character koi are known for makes them a popular tattoo choice both in Asia as well as America.

And there it is… Now the koi make sense. I’m comforted by this legend…

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The koi in my dream were vibrantly red and white like these guys. However, they were more square and about three times the size of these… They also had raised silver markings.

Amazing!

That’s not the end…

So what is the symbolism behind silver according to colour psychology? This is is it according to http://www.empower-yourself-with-color-psychology.com/color-silver.html

The color silver has a feminine energy; it is related to the moon and the ebb and flow of the tides – it is fluid, emotional, sensitive and mysterious. It is soothing, calming and purifying.

From a color psychology viewpoint, it signals a time of reflection and a change of direction as it illuminates the way forward. It helps with the cleansing and releasing of mental, physical and emotional issues and blockages as it opens new doors and lights the way to the future.

With its reflective and sensitive qualities silver inspires intuition, clairvoyance and mental telepathy. It reflects back any energy given out, whether it is positive or negative.

Silver restores equilibrium and stability to both feminine power and spiritual energy. It protects itself from outside negativity, reflecting the energy back to where it began.

This color is very versatile, being shiny, modern and hi-tech on one hand and alluring, sparkling and elegant on the other.

From a color psychology perspective, silver is respectable and courteous, dignified, self-controlled, responsible, patient, determined and organized – it relates well to the corporate world and those in positions of responsibility, whether they are male or female.

In color psychology, with a balance between black and white, silver is seen as a good critic, unbiased and compassionate with a mature sense of justice.

Mystery solved. I’m satisfied….

Muah 💋

 

Moments…

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In 30 minutes, I am going to exit this building and head to my car. I don’t want to be here today anyways…. For 7 minutes as I walk to that damn car I am going to try to hold it together! For 25 minutes as a drive home, I will let my soul cleanse itself like it has been wanting to, knowing the reality of things, as it needs…. whatever it needs… let it pour….. so be it.
I’m going to reflect on moments. I am going to analyze the f*@% out of some moments but in the end I am going to cherish them all. Past, passing, present…that’s all I can do.

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This Friday will not be like the last one.

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That’s okay, I understand. That’s the beauty of me, “Klassy”, right T? K-ompassion… You understand. I know you do. We are kindred spirits in this sense, caring and wishing we wouldn’t. Feeling like fools, questioning… It doesn’t change past moments, they were treasures then and treasured memories now.
I’ve known that I am a lamp post and I’m happy to be one. I am standing under my own lamp post as I type and it’s blinding, a little bitter-sweet and wonderful all at once.

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Yesterday, I had some wonderful moments…. I spoke with a beautiful eleven year old on my way home. Lexa… The moment she realized it was me on the other line, the excitement in her voice and we chatted. I sat in my car as her joyful, youthful voice permeated my vehicle via bluetooth. She talked and talked and talked and talked, like a certain Gingie Pooh I know. So darn cute!! Halloween excitement, school news, teacher gossip… Wow, how far we’ve come from infant playdates with Lexa, Abbie and Payton or should I say mommy playdates; to this moment where a beautiful young woman is emerging. Amazing. I’m grateful for the moments in the car that Lexa has saved me from my thoughts – they are tiring these days. My words to her “Well, nice chatting with you Lex, thank you for keeping me company on the way home!” Lexa returns the sentiment. Great Thursday moments. Many of them. I was present for them, all of them. Even when I rested my eyes I was still soaking them in. xoxoxo
Enter Friday, as I pull in to the parking lot at work. A heartwarming moment, that someone who spent an hour with me would say such nice things. “She was like, ‘she’s wonderful’.” I almost freaking lose it on the way in to work.
Then enter moments of truth…it’s hard, but the reality is I already knew…I seized those moments anyways…stolen moments. I havent had that kind of energy in my life in a long time. Thank you. It’s direction and direction is never bad – it eliminates questions- thought bubbles.
And now just before I sign off, good news moments…more direction…restful sleep moments.
I’ll meet you again by the koi pond, it was you that was there… I’ll take your hand there and remember the moment – it was lovely. It rests in my mind a lovely memory…. Until we meet again….

Silence…

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To this moment…a Luke Bryan moment…

Always alright…

Muah💋

Heavy

So tonight I rest my weary head with tears… Not for others tonight, not empathy… Selfish tears I suppose…

I read something heart wrenching this morning and as a mother, my heart dropped to my stomach and stayed there  for a couple hours…

But that’s not what’s doing it tonight…my tears are self-related…

I’m a single mother of three children, I have my children every day and night of the month with the exception of 4 days. It’s been this way for 8 years… I am crying tonight because I am realizing that I may just be undateable.

Most divorced people  have fifty-fifty custody. Each parent has equal amounts of “free” time to explore life and their own interests. It’s easier to find someone when you know you’ll have a whole week together or your weekends coincide.

This is not my reality and  the alternative for me is having my children go to a home where they will be miserable, where they are second class citizens whose needs and feelings are secondary. A home where they are afraid to express themselves. A home where they are yelled at for the most inconsequential things. That is not a viable alternative.

My priority in this lifetime is my children’s well-being. Their happiness. I could be selfish, I could go along with my ex husband’s request for shared custody. I too would have free time, maybe I’d actually find that all-star, my Rock. Maybe… ,

This weekend I will be compiling documentation to request that my ex take our children less. Will that happen? I don’t know…will I become entirely undateable…is that totally accurate, undateable? Probably not, my kids are older and only getting older. This can be managed. I think I can still have a life…

My ex husband is remarried, he has the time to invest. He met his new wife and within three months they moved in. Why? Because they spent those entire three months together and figuring it out. Three months after that they were engaged and then a year after that married. They have all the time in the world to be a couple and just be with eachother. They go to Jamaica or Cuba every year and generally live the life of Riley…

So where does that leave me tonight…feeling a little blue….

Who wants the amazing girl you can’t see, hold, make love to when you want… When you’re at home with free time and she can’t be there… I don’t know… I’d say be patient…its temporary…

I never pictured myself going to bed at 40    without someone’s chest to rest my head upon. I never pictured coming home every night and doing all of this on my own. It just never occurred to me, I’d be here… I was with my ex husband from the time I was 16. I never dated. I hate dating, I never had to do it. Clearly I haven’t been the greatest at it…

Tonight I fell asleep on the couch watching Halloween Wars, with one twin snuggled in on either side of me. A cat on my chest and another in between our legs. These moments are nice and comforting.

I woke up to texting with Tania and talking about wanting what is not available. Wanting to be somewhere you can’t be… Timing …

I long for the day that I tuck myself in to bed with the arms of a good man open and waiting for me to settle in. One beautiful person connected to another… These things can’t be rushed. I can’t rush it ever again. I just can’t…

This is not easy…I’m not easy to date…I think I’m worth the wait….dating is temporary once you find the right fit…patience… I’m sad that I’m here… This sadness is temporary too, this is not my first night feeling this way and I’m confident that eventually nights like this won’t exist but I’m tired too and it’s not helping things…

I’m a girl, I’ve been raised on fairytales… I’m a fool for romance but for now I just need to be content in these arms…



 

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Always alright…

Muah 💋

Today’s thought bubbles…

I went to bed at 9pm, I am pretty confident I was asleep by 9:30… I feel somewhat rested but fatigue is always there…it is just how I exist, I’m used to it. Low-iron, single-parenting, rare breaks jammed with excitement and no sleep…

I want to be clear here that I am happy. I smile every day, I laugh every day, I am friendly, kind and loving… I am a thinker, a deep and analytical thinker at times, I was born this way, it is in my genes. I’m emotional, passionate and sensitive. My deep thoughts may seem dark or heavy and sometimes they are but that’s not where my mind rests. It mostly rests in gratitude, love, and humour.

Was that taken from me for a couple of years? Yes. But I’m back. Even in fatigue,I am strong and laughing and sarcastic 😉

This picture sits in my cubicle. The introvert in me didn’t want to get into the photo booth but the girls convinced me and it captured what I think is typical to our times together.  It reminds me we’re doing alright and I see a me, I don’t always see reflected in the mirror. I don’t see the bags under my eyes and I think I a catch a glimpse of what others might see and that is happy- sparkle!

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This morning’s thought bubbles…some of them are persistent and some of them get re-sent to me when I am analyzing the dickens out of something with my Tweety bird…

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Souls are like snowflakes and so is love…
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Date night

I love this scene from the movie Date Night. Abbie was speaking in the “I’m sorry Jeremy…” voice and then she got me started. Supper time giggles.

I would love to have a date night or girls night where we do this. Do some human bingo too… Too funny…

Whoops this is the Jeremy one that brings me and mine to tears:

So, I’m officially exhausted… So many good things going on right now, waiting for information…waiting for moments…it has all officially drained me but it is all good. Steps in the right direction. I may still be recovering from Friday night because I’m 40!!!

I said I wouldn’t do it and I did it! 100 times over I did it… Okay maybe a hundred and fifty… It wasn’t so bad today….

I need a vacation. Samana looks nice. Jamaica. Mexico. I’m going. If I have to go alone, it is happening! I can’t take it anymore!!! My boss caught me on Expedia today…dreaming.

Had to lighten things up after the deep thoughts blog…

To bed early….must sleep. Sweet dreams all.

Hugs to kisses? Ahhh sweet kisses…sigh

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Hugs and Heaven

imageThe drive in to work this morning had me thinking on what to blog about. Thoughts on grief, what I know about it and what I do not, hugs, silence, an ex-husband alienating his children, a phone call to a lawyer I need to make…I had some nice thoughts strung together and now in my fatigue, I don’t know how this will come out…

The thought bubbles started as I was getting ready for work with my music going and Pink’s Beam Up came on. I love this song. It reminds me of a car ride I had with my kids a few month’s after their paternal grandmother died (December 23rd, 2012). This song came on as we were driving and my son said “This song would be a good song to remember grandma Lynn by, right?” I said “It’s the perfect song” as I fought back tears. He said “Yeah, think so too, it’s going to be her song for me.” She’s also on my mind because I’d like to make a phone call to Heaven to tell her to ‘speak’ to her son. He’s blowing it down here with his babies. She knew how to command a room, put her sons in their place. I think about her passing, I think about the cancer that no one talked about. The liver transplant that wasn’t to be and the trip I did not make to the hospital because my father in law said she was having a good day.

I think about the first time she was admitted to the hospital and I sent her flowers. The phone call at work, the thank you, the you’re the best daughter in law I ever had, you’ve done an amazing job with my grandchildren, thank you, I love you…that moment, those words and I knew the end was near and so did she but we didn’t speak of it. We simply cried. Denial convinced me a liver transplant would come – a miracle.

The phone call from my ex as I walked through the mall – the news as I stood in front of Laura Secord, his tears,  and the bawling as I made my way out of the mall to my car and the it’s Christmas! All of that floods through my mind as the song plays and I wish I could make a phone call to Heaven…

I think about the call I am going to make to the lawyer later in the morning. A call I don’t want to make but I have played the peacekeeper for far too long, I have done the damage control far too many times, I have shielded my children, my ex for far too long and somehow I am the bad guy, I get thrown under the bus. I don’t understand but I cannot defend it or mend it anymore… I don’t own it… I am tired… Why do I have to be Mother freaking Theresa? Kids happiness first, no more shielding, no more tiring myself out for no good reason… It’s time.

I’m back to thinking about death. I’m not being morbid. I’m no stranger to death and grieving, I may not know it on the level some have – death of a child, a spouse or parent… I have had loved ones die, I have had to ponder mortality from a young age… First was my great grandfather he was a special man. I was 7 , that’s when I first learned we are not here forever. I can see my mom and I sitting on the bed and the tears. Next was one of my best friends in grade 3 – this was most shocking. His name was Caleb. He was struck by a car crossing the street to go buy candy at Becker’s. I still see the tree ceremony in front of the elementary school we went to and his father standing there in a trench coat. I remember. My grandmother, my great grandmother (the long walk down the palliative care hall, hearing her breathing from the end of the hall – holding her hand and telling her it was okay to go). I’ve been a pallbearer. I’ve seen the anguish that women in my life had in losing their mothers. Horrifying.

I have been to far too many wakes and funerals for former students.

Offering condolences to parents saying goodbye to their only child as I carry two lives in my belly. I remember being hysterical as I waited in line and telling Robyn “I can’t do it, I feel guilty walking in there with this belly and sobbing and sobbing…” I have sat in an auditorium where the student body was informed of a young man’s suicide. I have sat in the same auditorium and been informed of a twin brother shooting another. The same twin brother I watched beat the living day lights out of another boy and I warned that one day he would kill someone…I’ve never seen rage like that… The list could go on… Each one has affected me..

Of course my own family members have been hardest but I do not handle these things well.

The heart is an amazing thing, so much space for each person we love. Their imprint there forever as unique as snowflakes. No imprint like any other; each with its own unencumbered space. The mind is a vast space as well, storing all of the wonderful memories. Accessible whenever we choose, as frequently as we choose.  Sometimes coming forward unexpectedly…

We should never forget the life that was, we can’t because there’s an imprint on our heart. It won’t allow it and that’s not a bad thing. Nor should we forget and no one who loves us should ask us to.

Do we lose love for the departed? No, a piece of their soul is tattooed on our heart. Can you fall out of love with someone taken too soon? No and nor should you. No one should ask you to. It’s impossible. That love is as unique as the individual. Sacred, to be treasured always.

And if there are children left behind, they will need to know, they will want to be reminded and they should hear and feel that unique love as memories are shared and a beautiful soul honoured. How it should be…

I think a person can fall in love again. Snowflakes…. No two loves are the same and one love does not diminish the other – it is simply unique. What’s the magic number? How long do you wait? Who knows? We never plan these things really… There doesn’t seem to be any consensus on this… Each person will be different. Some may not choose it at all…

I remember my father in law calling me about 8 months after my mother in law had passed away. I hate to put ex in front of their titles, so I won’t… He was taking the kids to the Carp fair and I was driving them to his home in Shawville, so he could take them. He called and nervously told me that there would be a woman with him – my heart pounded hard- and that he thought he should tell the kids. You could hear the fear in his voice. I asked if he’d like me to tell them. I told him I would tell the kids and do my best to ensure it would be a positive meeting. I remember hanging up the phone, going upstairs, having a good cry and then keeping my word. I cried because I can only imagine how hard that phone call was. The fear of judgement…They were okay, they want their papa happy and there will only ever be one nana Lynn…

I remember a conversation I had with Ginger… It’s only natural that some level of comparison would exist in these situations. Her words of wisdom were, “There really is no comparison. Think of it this way…out of all of my friends there is only one you. No one will ever compare to you because you are you. There’s only one Krista.”

I was thinking about hugs again on the way in. Two souls speaking to eachother without words. Handholding and kissing the same language and then I found this…

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We all suffer loss, we all move through those losses at our own pace…broken but still moving forward…hopefully embracing love if and when it presents…

We all have times where we are simply going through the motions, crossing off days we have survived and then those times turn in to days we cross off in anticipation of beautiful tomorrows…always with imprints on our hearts…….never forgetting…….always loving…

Always alright…

And then there’s Pink, I love her lyrics…


 

 

 

 

 

#bam and #oldbones

10k wishbone complete and I am still here, hooray! That was hard. Lowerback screaming the whole way.

My son and I talked about it on the way. I suggested he not run his 5k speed right away. Before we got started, one of the big bosses at work met up with us. She says to my son, “Tania’s going to have the best 10k time for a thirty something woman today!”. He was wearing Tania’s bib. His response was I’m going to start off with my mom. I joked about being his warm up pace.

Off we went. I expected him to leave me in the dust at some point. Nope. If I stopped, he stopped. He stayed right by my side. If he got ahead, slowed his pace. Every time he’d start leading, I’d think this is it, he’s gonna go crush this thing now. And then he’d return to my side. I can’t wait for the photos cuz he’ll be there right beside me. Hopefully one of them is frame worthy. Man did this kid give me the feels today. I know I’m doing well. What a sweetie! I’m so proud. He’s gonna be a good man. Show up for his woman, run by her side. My heart was so full this morning. Gratitude. As we approached the finish line, I challenged him to a sprint! He was caught off guard he he he. Our chip times are identical. Awwwww. One hour and 11 minutes…not what I want but it could have been worse. My godson crushed it in 51 minutes. Maybe some day…

Apparently that was Grayson’s first and last 10k cuz it’s hard! Well, if that’s true it just got even more special…

Here I have been praying for magic for so many other people lately and it was my weekend that was dusted with magic from start to finish line 😉 I am blessed…

Now, off to buy some Voltaren magic for my angry back!!! Ugh…old bones suck.

This weekend was WOW!

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Always alright,

Muah 💋

 

What the F-U-N?

Pre-race Saturday and I am a hurting unit! Self-inflicted but with no regrets!

Undoubtedly the most nerve wracking lead up to a night out with the girls I have ever experienced. Seven vodka sodas with dinner to try to calm the Hell down and relax. Anticipatory anxiety? Why?

Jays game has everyone buzzing and connecting. It reminded me of Shawville a bit. Clearly a community of people gathered and enjoying each others’ company supporting, encouraging, nudging – connecting. Breathe. It’s a good place. Good people. Good fun.

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I haven’t had a night out like that in years. There’s the girl I’ve been missing. The pieces of my twenty something self re-emerging. Fun, laughter, dancing. Just being me. Being light. No one sending me night ruining texts and no worries of what shitstorm is to come because I chose time with friends over someone else’s ego. That doesn’t exist anymore – it will never be my reality again. It feels good. I need that kinda fun in my life. I want it. With my bestie like old times and we’re hurting  today for it but it was worth it! Sooooo worth it!!!

Eeek bad photo but oh well!
Eeek bad photo but oh well!
I have lived for 5 years without being fully alive. Numb. Surviving. “Floating”. It’s good to feel and have pure fun! Thank God for friends new and old! I love you weirdos, I truly do. xoxo

Tomorrow my godson and son will hand me my tushy at the finish line. But I’m going to cross it with high fives from people I love dearly and some I have missed terribly. I’ve rattled me brains for the weekend now bring on Rattle Me Bones 10K Wishbone. #Bam! This run is for  renewal.

I’m gonna try to kill it for you T! Damn vertigo!!!

Always alright,

Muah 💋

 

 

 

 

Order and Chaos

Oh my what a day! It’s actually Thursday.

So, I went in to work thinking I’d have to choose between two career directions, only to find a third option waiting for me in my inbox. I had a long conversation with one manager, he seems like a great man! But the conversation made me realize what I want and now all I need is an offer asap! It became clearer to me as I stood outside with my fun coworkers and poured it out to them – the thought bubbles then I had the aha moment. Fingers crossed.

Tania you’ll be proud, I told them I would miss them and that I love coming to work with them. They chuckled and I said “No, seriously, where I came from was terrible. You’ve made me remember that people are fun and good and caring.” Seriously, I wish I could bring them with me wherever I end up – they are so much fun. Like a wee family! So great!

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My day was going along swimmingly until my phone says HOME is calling… I answer and hear a wee crackling voice and my heart drops. I’ve let the twins walk home today instead of going to after 4. It is Payton, she tells me as she is crying that Abbigail left school  before her and she is now at home but Abbie is not! Now my heart is pounding. I want to run out of the building and race home. My teenage son is on the other phone and says in his changing voice “Oh my God Payton, she is probably at the school waiting for you just go back” Yes, yes he makes sense but my thought bubbles are going to total crazy town. I’m thinking amber alerts and too much Criminal Minds has me panicking. They don’t know I’m panicking but the world was spinning around me. So I do the mom thing and say “See, this is why you walk together. Strength in numbers.” Ugh. I felt sick. I got off the phone and texted their friend’s mom hoping she was at her house. Nope, said mom is en route from Kingston! She checks at home and calls me back. As she does, I am already on the phone with Paytie who says  Abbie is now home. They miscommunicated and Abbie was at the school waiting this whole time. Longest 15 minutes of my life!!! It may have only been 10 minutes. Terrifying!

As I was putting them to bed, I decided I would have a stern conversation with them about this afternoon’s event. I said you know, when I ask you to do something a certain way it’s because I’m trying to keep you safe. I’ve spent 14 years of my life trying to make sure all of you are in one piece and safe! I ask for simple things! And then the crumble… You are the most important people in my life…voice crack… I can’t bare the thought of one of you not being here…you are my world…and the tears pour… I was so scared!!!!  So there we are all bawling. No bad cop lives here, damn it! I think it was more effective than being scary. .. So, I am grateful that everyone is tucked snug in their beds, well I am plus one here as I type, and that a round of hugs and kisses will be had in the morning. Deep breath.

Single parenting is hard! I know parenting is hard but doing it alone, that’s hard. I’ve been doing this for 8 years and it doesn’t seem to get easier. The day to day gets easier to a point. I am more tired and the worries are bigger! I need a mother effin vacation!!!

I spent my entire evening on my feet tidying. Gathered the trash and brought it to the curb. It’s a two week cycle so there was a lot of it. Litter box, laundry, vacuum.

I feel like I haven’t stopped!! No wonder I look like death right now!!

Tomorrow night, I get to spend with Kim and June! I am super excited! It can’t come fast enough. Chicken and waffles and vodka soda baby! Momma needs a beverage! Barfhaven Heart and Crown look out!!!

 

Not really cuz we’re old but we’ll give her a go til at least 11pm. Yeehaw!

And so appropriately I ring in Friday with this Zac Brown Band tune:

As I close my eyes, I dream of this…

https://m.facebook.com/comfortinntremblant/posts/10153222250733099:0

Night.

Muah💋