Heavy

So tonight I rest my weary head with tears… Not for others tonight, not empathy… Selfish tears I suppose…

I read something heart wrenching this morning and as a mother, my heart dropped to my stomach and stayed there  for a couple hours…

But that’s not what’s doing it tonight…my tears are self-related…

I’m a single mother of three children, I have my children every day and night of the month with the exception of 4 days. It’s been this way for 8 years… I am crying tonight because I am realizing that I may just be undateable.

Most divorced people  have fifty-fifty custody. Each parent has equal amounts of “free” time to explore life and their own interests. It’s easier to find someone when you know you’ll have a whole week together or your weekends coincide.

This is not my reality and  the alternative for me is having my children go to a home where they will be miserable, where they are second class citizens whose needs and feelings are secondary. A home where they are afraid to express themselves. A home where they are yelled at for the most inconsequential things. That is not a viable alternative.

My priority in this lifetime is my children’s well-being. Their happiness. I could be selfish, I could go along with my ex husband’s request for shared custody. I too would have free time, maybe I’d actually find that all-star, my Rock. Maybe… ,

This weekend I will be compiling documentation to request that my ex take our children less. Will that happen? I don’t know…will I become entirely undateable…is that totally accurate, undateable? Probably not, my kids are older and only getting older. This can be managed. I think I can still have a life…

My ex husband is remarried, he has the time to invest. He met his new wife and within three months they moved in. Why? Because they spent those entire three months together and figuring it out. Three months after that they were engaged and then a year after that married. They have all the time in the world to be a couple and just be with eachother. They go to Jamaica or Cuba every year and generally live the life of Riley…

So where does that leave me tonight…feeling a little blue….

Who wants the amazing girl you can’t see, hold, make love to when you want… When you’re at home with free time and she can’t be there… I don’t know… I’d say be patient…its temporary…

I never pictured myself going to bed at 40    without someone’s chest to rest my head upon. I never pictured coming home every night and doing all of this on my own. It just never occurred to me, I’d be here… I was with my ex husband from the time I was 16. I never dated. I hate dating, I never had to do it. Clearly I haven’t been the greatest at it…

Tonight I fell asleep on the couch watching Halloween Wars, with one twin snuggled in on either side of me. A cat on my chest and another in between our legs. These moments are nice and comforting.

I woke up to texting with Tania and talking about wanting what is not available. Wanting to be somewhere you can’t be… Timing …

I long for the day that I tuck myself in to bed with the arms of a good man open and waiting for me to settle in. One beautiful person connected to another… These things can’t be rushed. I can’t rush it ever again. I just can’t…

This is not easy…I’m not easy to date…I think I’m worth the wait….dating is temporary once you find the right fit…patience… I’m sad that I’m here… This sadness is temporary too, this is not my first night feeling this way and I’m confident that eventually nights like this won’t exist but I’m tired too and it’s not helping things…

I’m a girl, I’ve been raised on fairytales… I’m a fool for romance but for now I just need to be content in these arms…



 

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Always alright…

Muah 💋