I wanted to create this blog to write down and unload my experience being in a relationship with a sociopath. I hope that by having it up here it may help someone else either heal from or maybe even leave one of the worst situation’s you could find yourself in. Better than my writings, I encourage you to go to datingasociopath.com if you see yourself reflected… I have a feeling my writings are going to take me longer than I thought…
I imagine if a 100 women wrote down their experiences, they would all have the same themes associated with their sociopath.
- An inflated ego,
- lying, manipulating,
- zero empathy,
- an incapacity to truly love,
- no remorse,
- empty promises,
- abuse (verbal and/or physical)….
My heart is pounding as I begin to delve into this. I am a very sensitive human being, I operate from a genuine place of love. I am scared to dive into this because I know I cannot do this without connecting to the emotions of it. I know when the examples I have to give start bubbling to the surface, they are going to play out in my mind like a movie. I can only hope they unload here and stay here and then I can just get on with my day. This experience does not define me, it does not define how I love now or how I will love in the future. Has it wakened me up? Yes. My major lesson here and going forward in a romantic relationship is to “Trust myself first.” . Night after night, day after day of reading the blog datingasociopath.com, this is one thing that stood out. Trust yourself first!!! What does that mean for me? When the alarm bells go off, I will listen to them. I will follow my gut always. It has never lied to me, ever. It has always been accurate. We have those alarm bells for a reason, for protection and survival. For the love of God, listen to your gut. You know the truth when you hear it and the opposite is also true – your gut will speak when lies are present. Sometimes it speaks immediately and sometimes it speaks in time but when it does, listen! Mine was screaming. Someone recently asked me “If your alarm bells were sounding so loudly, why didn’t you listen and just end it?” Go to datingasociopath.com
I did not ignore the alarms per say. I heard them. I questioned them with friends. I even questioned the sociopath to his face. I exerted my backbone and called BS. I’m an Aries, we’re not known for sugarcoating things or rolling over and just taking things. I fought back and I questioned the lies. I told him to leave a number of times. His agenda was stronger and his abuse was breaking me. I was in denial. I was living from a place of fear sometimes masked as love. I didn’t want to have made the wrong partner choice again, I didn’t want to say what I was living out loud, I didn’t want to be this again… Recovering, searching, dating…. I have to pause here to cry…
I was in therapy for a grievance I had filed at work. I had been harassed at work along with other colleagues. The grievance process is long and the burden of proof is on you the victim to prove it happened. I was going to therapy for post-traumatic stress symptoms. Symptoms that were emerging because I still had to work with the offender every day. I had to listen to people sit in management meetings talking about the office’s ‘issues’ but no one doing anything about it. I had to repress my feelings and come in and do my job like nothing was going on. Eventually, my body was reacting to things before I even knew my mind was processing them. I was getting sick. I was startling easily. It was awful. In the meantime, the beautiful thing I thought I had with the sociopath was turning in to a nightmare as well. Near the end, I started discussing it with my therapist. I needed someone neutral to tell me to get the hell out! I had had an argument with the sociopath about his behaviour, him not paying me money back, not following through on promises and treating me like garbage and he told me I just needed to get over this thing at work. I got my answer, an investigator said the harassment was founded now move on. If I would just move on from this work “issue” we wouldn’t fight! The things he said and did would not upset me. There it is zero empathy!! I spent a year and a half of my life proving that someone harassed me at work, that my work environment was poisoned. Constantly reliving and rewriting the harassment and not sure if I was going to be believed… I brought him with me to the hearing… “On two counts of harassment, we conclude that harassment ocurred.” Founded! I started to bawl in that meeting. The only person out of 4 people including the sociopath who had any empathy was the labour relations officer. Tears bubbled in the officer’s eyes and he got up and got me Kleenex. The sociopath just sat there. One arm resting on the back of his chair like he was king shit or something. No hand hold, no post meeting hug. This sociopath needed others to think he was amazing, so he looks at my union rep and says you take care of this lady she is special. But then when behind closed doors he wants to analyze the situation forcing me to relive it all again and then using it against me to defend his own behaviour. This is key to a sociopath’s success finding out about you and then using it against you for sport, for a thrill and for control. I tell my therapist that this guy is telling me I should just get over it and that if I would just do that then we would be okay. And then I just start spilling the beans, the money, the abuse, the empty promises, the alienation…
She says “K, that is mental abuse…” She gets up and goes to her filing cabinet. Pulls out two documents that list all of the signs of abuse… He has been using you, manipulating you and abusing you…. My thinking is why? I’m not rich. Why use me? There’s nothing elaborate to be had here. But I had enough…it was a place to stay instead of at his parents or when the victim before me decided to boot him out. I paid his debts. I gave him the opportunity to upgrade his vehicle, to buy skidoos, to get a trailer he could use, 4 wheelers and someone he could control for a while. It’s so hard for me to conceive of the fact that someone would behave this way. That they weren’t in it to love me. They weren’t in love with me. I was a means to an end. People like this exist in the movies, soap operas, Criminal Minds… not in my life! Being a good person, it strikes me hard. People like me, genuine and highly empathetic tend to be hit extra hard by these realities because we genuinely operate from a premise that other people are as good as we are. That most people operate from a good place with good intentions. The sad reality is that this is not the case. If you are a highly sensitive and empathetic human being – you may be wise to post this reality on your bathroom mirror in some form. “Trust yourself first!” Not everyone is as good as you are. Not everyone in this world comes from a place of good. The truth can be horrifying, when you finally let it in; it will be horrifying to face it but the horror ends and you get to be alive again. You get to connect with people and sparkle! Choose life, choose love – choose you!
Some people get their thrills from conning others, it’s an adrenaline rush. They enjoy pulling one over on you. They enjoy wasting your time and energy. They enjoy isolating you from the people you love and causing chaos in your relationships with others. They think they are God’s gift but at the same time they are insecure. They need to break you to feel empowered and they don’t feel a damn thing in doing it other than pleasure and satisfaction. It’s sick! It’s a sociopath! It’s life with a sociopath and you need to get out! Get out and save your beautiful soul, let it live, let it shine, let it love and be loved. That’s what you deserve. Please go to datingasociopath.com and read it until you get it! Thank God for this woman’s writings. It will be horrifying at first, to see yourself reflected there. To finally wake up to the harsh reality. But it will be worth it because you will see that the sociopath owns all of this. You will see you can move on. Find strength there, I did!
Remember make No Contact with the sociopath once you are out. I have failed to do this because of financial stuff and it does set you back. Read my post on just an email from a sociopath. That was a set back. Just writing this now – I realize I need my lawyer to communicate with him; to do the status checks. I’m still learning because I’m not completely free yet and when I feel strong I forget…
Okay, so I have derailed a lot…it’s messy in there…so many thought bubbles wanting release. I’m going to try to subtitle to keep a focus…
Meeting the Sociopath
I met him online. Out of everyone I was chatting with, he was the first one to call me instead of texting me. Wow, I thought that was super impressive. I thought it was a sign of maturity and i found it super charming and exciting. I romanticized it. Later, I would discover that the phone calls were a means to having nothing in writing. Nothing could be used against him this way. He could lie and cause confusion and doubt because there would be nothing to go back on. “You’re confused, that’s no what I said, what I meant was….” The mind games would be put in writing to a point, the I love yous, the babes, the you’re my angel, babe please call me and then the phone calls would speak differently. Ugh…
I gave the sociopath an hour and a half of my time on our first date. He talked about his son as though he had a regular schedule with him. He claimed he had a close relationship with his family. He was fixated on the fact that I lived in the country for 12 years. Claimed he had been to where I lived several times. He asked A LOT of questions, a lot (assessment phase)!!! I saw this as interest but he was simply assessing how easily I could be duped, where my weaknesses were and what he needed to mirror to suck me in.
After our date, he called me right away to tell me what a great time he had. Bonus points. He called me back again to say he called his parents to tell them what a great girl he had met and that I was from the country. I found this weird. He laid it on thick about me being the real deal and how you just know the real deal when you meet them. He laid it on thick. I had been used to, I’m not sure I want a relationship, I’m not sure I want to be a dad, I’m no good for you…blah blah blah…to all in in an hour???? It was highly unusual. He was all in immediately! Red flag 1 000 006. I analyzed it but decided to romanticize it instead, of course someone could love me at first sight, right? Maybe…but not this time.
He wanted to meet my children right away. Mommy rule #1 no meeting my babies until you prove yourself worthy. He convinced me otherwise…within days. I had an out here as I called him one afternoon while at work, he started talking to me like he had me confused with another girl, this felt especially bad and the alarm bells went off. I hung up on him. He called back 1000 times. He would not stop calling. He claimed he had been napping and was confused. I told him our next date was off, he ‘cried’ on the phone going on about how he knew I was the real deal and he had blown it. We didn’t talk for several days. I felt like maybe I overreacted, that maybe I was letting residual past relationship stuff make me judge him too harshly. So, I made a decision I will always regret…I texted him and invited him back in.
When I texted him, his “brother” responded back. Hey is this K, M just stepped out to move a fence this is his brother J. I’m so glad you texted him, he’s been so upset, I’ve never seen him this way…blah blah blah blah blah…it went on and on. How close they were. How great his parents are. How he works too hard. And on and on and on… It was out there… I called my BFF and said his brother is texting me, I kinda think it is him. We both agreed it was kinda sweet and did what stupid girls do and romanticized, turned it into Hollywood stuff instead of what it was which is psycho!!!! Again – alarm bells ignored. Sigh. It came out when I found Maya’s benefit card and I made him spill the beans. It was him, not his brother. Duuhhh! His brother barely acknowledged his presence whenever we visited his family which was rare.
Thanksgiving, rolled around and I headed to the cottage. Kids were with their father. I was texting with him. He convinced me to ask my parents if he could join us after three hours of me saying no, I finally caved. I was going against my gut again. Three weeks in and you’re meeting my parents – completely insane! This was more of the assessment phase. Meet the parents, see if he is going to be able to play out his game. Who might get in his way. Who does he need to eliminate to gain ultimate control. Who did he need to cause friction with. He would become the reason I would have the first and worst argument ever with my father causing me not to see my parents for months, miss out on the cottage for the first summer ever in my entire life. My kids didn’t get to see their grandparents. It was strained and all unnecessarily because of him. Because he is a sociopath.
He wanted to meet everyone in my life quickly so that he could assess the level of difficulty in gaining control here.
Chaos and Bliss?
Within two months he moved in, against my better judgement, my gut and single mommy rule #2. No living together until a real and tested commitment is in place.
My son didn’t like this. I don’t blame him. He came in told everyone they were doing a piss poor job. I was an inadequate housekeeper, my children were ingrates who didn’t value me or respect me, and we were so lucky he was there to turn things around. He was especially horrible to my son because he could see we had a good bond. He didn’t like that, he wanted to be the centre of attention. And so began the boomerang of my home being beneath his standards and my children being horrible; to us being the best things ever, amazing. Damn I hate that word sometimes it was so overused and a lie out of his mouth.
He had this weird fixation with his parents. His mom keeps her house immaculate. We should take my children there to see what a home should look like. We should go to his friends’ house to see how their kids were and how clean their houses were. They were all loaded and had cleaning ladies!!! He went on about how his mom always kept a clean house. It turned out she was a stay at home mom throughout their elementary school days!! Well, fuck you buddy! I’m a single mom of three kids! I work all day! And I have my kids all the time! I’m exhausted! It’s all I can do to make dinner and prepare for the next day. Getting down on my hands and knees and scrubbing the floor with a toothbrush or polishing the microwave every five minutes is not in the cards. If it bothers you so much why don’t you clean it when you get home at 2pm. You’re not paying rent. It’s the least you could do… Nope instead lets text about how inadequate my home is for your high standards the entire 40 minutes I am on the bus and then let’s talk about it all night – repeating and repeating and repeating. Rules would be made, strict ones that no one could live up to here. Then I would hear about it. He would threaten to leave. Saying weird things like,” I can’t live here, my parents wouldn’t want to see me living in a townhouse. It’s too small here. I used to own a single home. I can’t invite my parents here. Your kids don’t respect me and you don’t support my rules… How much is a man supposed to take?” Well, a man wouldn’t act this way. A man wouldn’t force their way into someone’s home, not pay a cent, criticize the home, tell another how to parent…a man would roll up his sleeves and alleviate some work for a single mom, pay his share and offer support not criticism. But we’re not talking about a man, we’re talking about a sociopath.
He threatened to leave a lot in the beginning and I told him where he could find the door. I think he believed I would beg him to stay. Why would I? I don’t need him… Me holding the door open made him have to change his plans and back track. He would then play the card that he had never live with anyone and he had never really been around children. It was a learning curve. Further, I am such a special sweet woman and he can’t stand to see my children take advantage of me…yadda yadda yadda.
My children aren’t perfect but they are good human beings, fun, caring and yeah sometimes life gets away on us and it’s not perfect here but they are loved, they cared for and they are happy. I have given up on a better homes and gardens show home. I’m only one person and I’m tired more than I could give a crap to scrub the floors everyday. When he list the my mom is a better housekeeper battle. He started in on my son. Making my son hate him. My son started going to the basement instead of hanging with me. He tried to charm the girls and got them on side. This guy was just a nightmare, every day was a battle o et some stupidity. It was exhausting.
I convinced myself that I needed to drop the hammer and get my kids onboard with cleaning rules and rules rules rules. I couldn’t sustain it. It was setting everyone up for failure and giving him the opportunity to cause chaos and love it.
He would step up. Help me with groceries. Clean the odd time. Pick the girls up after school so I didn’t stress on the way home. Have supper waiting some nights. Bring me coffee every Saturday morning without fail.
This is the dance we would do. Moving between amazing to questionable. He seduce. He would say things like how have you done this all on your own die so long. You’re an amazing woman. I’ve never met anyone like you. I didn’t know family could be like this. I wish we had met 8 years ago, we could have had a child. We could have been married. We would make gorgeous children. Oh he laid it on and then he would whip the rug out and stir things up again in some way. If it wasn’t domestic life, it was questioning my friends, questioning my friends or even questioning me. I’m surprised I didn’t just collapse from sheer exhaustion.
He wanted me to sell my home. We needed a bigger home. He harped on this. Thankfully, this house is not in my name. Oh my I don’t even want to think what Hell I would be in…Maya’s Hell and worse.
There were good times, trips to Saint Sauveur, skidooing together. I loved skidooing – I loved the speed, getting air as in taking mogel jumps. Stopping at a shack, folk music… Maybe again someday… Mostly I was isolated in the home.
There was no money really to do anything once accounts were joined as he had so many financed things. His Jeep payment was 800 dollars a month! Like wtf! The Narcissist in him thought everyone wanted him. Everywhere we went he was like the guy at the cash just said how sweet my jeep is. It’s a jeep not a Porsche get over yourself! In the beginning of the relationship he had to call me all the time to tell me some girl just hit on him but he told her he was going home to his fiancée (I want to vomit). Some girl ahead of him at Tim’s bought his coffee. Everyone wanted him but I was the lucky girl he came home to. I could only take this for so long. I snapped. I was like we are both attractive people, I’m going to assume without a doubt that you are coming home to me, I don’t need to hear every day about this woman and that. I get free coffees. I get acknowledged. I’ve had a chef not capable of taking my order and blaming it on my dress and then bringing me and Kim dessert on the house. I’ve gotten phone numbers and business cards that went in the trash… It stays there, in that moment unless it is over the top ridiculous. Why would I bring that home? He needed to make sure I knew what a lucky woman I was that he could have anyone else on any given day. Whacko!
He used to pick fights and then threaten to go in to work at like midnight. One night I’d had enough and refused to let him sleep after he disturbed my sleep to rant about some inconsequential lunacy and then threatened to go to work when I didn’t agree with his insane rantings. I went to sleep on the couch to get away from him. He followed and then said he’d go to work and give me my bed. He literally repeated the same words over and over and over when he argued. I went upstairs. He followed and then started to get into bed. I flicked on the light and was like oh no you don’t. Follow through, I’m done with your threats go to work. He didn’t know what to do. “I can’t go now. I’d have to call my boss.” Ugh…so exhausting the chaos dance! Constant chaos.
Phone calls and control
I literally did not have a minute to myself. Some days I entertained the thought of cancelling my cell phone plan so I could have a break. At first, it was great to have so much attention. It felt good. But then it was unrelenting. Constant texts and phone calls. This was control. Text all the way to work. As soon as my butt hit the chair in my cubicle he’d call. He’d call all day long and text all the way home. When I started driving to work. He would call and talk the whole way there and then the same again on the way back home. Call my cubicle all day long. I had no breathing room. No time to myself. No time to think. No time to talk anyone else. It was great when I could go to the gym at lunch. Peace. If I walked away from my desk I would return to 10 missed calls back to back every minute or two. Insanity!
At home, if he worked overtime, he called all the time. Even the kids were like “It’s M, why does he call so much!!” We’d be starting a movie or playing a game. Seriously if you had to leave the house to work then work already!!! Controlling and smothering…
At first the attention was nice. It boosted the ego but then it just became exhausting like everything else. Just draining. Don’t get me wrong, I want to know that I am on the next fellows mind. I expect there will be a good deal of texting in the beginning when we can’t spend a lot of time together… Every minute of the day – not so much.
I used to think there is no way he could have been cheating because he called all the time. He also smoked like a chimney so he likely stepped away to do that during his overtime…
You’d think after the break up that would bring a huge sigh of relief – the silence. But the silence is unsettling at first, it causes a restlessness. Some let down and a bit of depression. It’s crazy! Maya and I discussed and labeled it M withdrawal. It was messed up. Maya’s words “The withdrawal from M is intense!”
Now, I have my morning commute back. I get to crank my tunes and sing. It’s awesome!!! I get to play my music and dance in the shower. I have my music back. Some me time. I can breathe and it’s fantastic!!! 🙂
I listen to Country 94 right now and here are some of the songs you’ll catch me cranking or singing along to…
Keith Urban John Cougar John Deere John 3:16
Luke Bryan Strip it down
Gonna Blake Shelton
Kick the Dust Up
Boys round here
Lose my mind
Break up with him
*****I can’t do this today folks. My Sunday is free, I have so much to do before the kids get home. Groceries, tidying, laundry… I may try again later…I am leaving what I have so far, as incoherent as it is and I encourage you to go to datingasociopath.com in the meantime, it will be your saviour. If you know me, go read it and it will help you understand why a wicked smart chick like me stayed…it will help you see how amazingly strong I am to be functioning so well and to be open to love again…I am doing my best… I am healing…
Sorry, I just can’t do it for Now
Awww Tweety bird you find some good quotes. Every quote by the author above is beautifully human. The word selection is great, he is an amazing writer because his words resonate within one’s soul. Beautiful. My blog was simply going to be this quote without my random jibber jabber.
I believe everyone we meet has a purpose for us. I’ve likely covered this before. I firmly believe this which is why I will entertain the random strangers who strike up a conversation with me while I am out and about. Whether they come in to your life for a few seconds, minutes, years, decades or a life time it is not coincidence…stop, connect, listen…there may be something to learn. I find random people tend to strike conversations when I am feeling low or introspective, wondering about the meaning of it all. And then, someone will strike a conversation or be extra courteous giving me their place in line or compliment me unexpectedly when I’m feeling like a$$ or give me an opportunity to help them even if only to grab the 1L of chocolate milk that is too high for them to reach. Then I realize it’s about connecting, growing and simply being kind to one another even when some of those among us will not subscribe to the golden rule. We never know what struggles a person is facing and a simple acknowledgement or smile can make a profound difference in someone’s day. I know it can. It does for me. It has when I’ve needed it most, it comes…
I remember a couple of years ago, after a break up wherein I really thought I had met my soulmate – My Rock- and it turned out he was just a boy still finding his way. I had just been in my current home almost a year, I was feeling at a low point in my life, I was being harassed at work and watching others be harassed, this guy decides the bachelor life is for him…ugh. I was feeling low. I was a “walker” from TWD. I was fully in the meaning of life mode, the thought bubbles were emerging hard and heavy and thick.
I took the kids to A&W for supper one night during this time. Tired and worn out from it all. The lack of direction…tired of the same set of directions. “Turn back you’re going the wrong way!” … So as I am standing in line, this man gets up from his seat and proceeds to give me a huge hug. He explains this is what he does because he knows it will make people smile and I don’t remember all that was said. I remember that I had the proverbial towel in my hand that day and I was ready to throw it in hard. But then came the hug and the business card to go with it. Thank you Guy Castonguay. Thank you for that direction. I still have his business card and a hug coupon. When I’m feeling blah I will likely come across it in my nightstand just when I’ve had enough time to forget and need reminding of my direction and why we’re here.
I rummaged through my nightstand to find the coupons and realize I am a hoarder lol. It’s amazing to me how you can pull out snapshots of your life from a drawer, a box or a purse. I find the coupon among these other things…I love the crazy picture of my kids captured on a 2013 Christmas card. I want to remember those times always. A love note from Abs… Aww
This is the guy, Guy. This was a route changing hug for me. A fight song if you will… 💓 This man turned me around and said wake up sunshine keep going just by giving me a hug.
Some people come in to our lives with directions, some leave the pursuit of unanswered questions as a direction, some point us back the right way, some are lampposts at a point in time shining a light on the path that has gotten too dark or shining a light on us so that we might see something in ourselves or an answer we’ve been seeking.
I’m holding out for the person without directions and maybe they’ve already presented themselves, they just may have and that realization will come sooner rather than later.
I will always believe in a random smile or a hug. Do it ! You may be sending someone in the right direction today!!!
I have so much gratitude today. So much love to give.
It’s a mommy weekend! Heading out with my single mommy neighbours to Joey Lansdowne tonight. Lord help me…. I’ve got the taxi on speed dial in case shit gets crazy! Nothing can beat last night but lets see what these crazy mommies have in store…
Love this song it is cute!
Never look back you’re not going that way!!!
Unless you’re looking this way…then in the words of Joey Tribbiani “How you doin’?”
Bon weekend mes amis!!
- Before I start I would like to apologize to my parents for the title. I was challenged to write a post with the attributed title.
This dare/challenge came after a workplace charitable run. Some heavy conversations were taking place in the car as a couple of us made our way back to work after finishing a 5k in the name of charity. Divorce. Ugh…so difficult. We all agreed, although we would never do this, that we should just ditch and go have some beverages. We were coming up with ways to “call in”. I said I should call in because I was the oldest and say I needed to go to emerge as I wasn’t feeling well. I have a new manager, so I said it would be a poor intro to call in with tummy troubles… Hi nice to meet you, I’m having a PeptoBismol moment and can’t make it back. Someone else goes right for it and says “Umm, yeah, I think I shit my pants and I won’t be in.” And the laughter…man did we need the laughter. The conversation did not simply end, it continued on with “Man, seriously though, what the heck would you do if that happened?” There you are in Hogs Back running with 100 colleagues and you poop your pants. What in the name of God do you do? Then we have a conversation about an employee who has these moments at work…I almost choke on my apple!!!
Ironically, myself and one of the other girls had had a conversation about having runners nerves and upset tummies as we got changed for the run. Poopy pants was the theme of the day. Luckily none of it became a reality for either of us.
Really, when is bathroom humour not funny? All you have to do with me is say fart and I’m gonna giggle.
It was a well earned collective giggle during a heavy and difficult time for one of us. We needed to laugh hard!!
All kidding aside “runner’s trots” are an actual possibility for some long distance runners.
Well there it is, my friend, you dared and I did it; a blog about “I think I shit my pants!”. Now dear Tweety bird, find me a quote to match that at Creating Ripples! I dare you!!!
Not quite a poopy pants quotable but I like it so I am including it anyways Tweety…
Kevin Hart in fabulous company tomorrow night and pub Saturday evening! Woot! Woot! Bring on the weekend!! Mommy time 🙂
There are only two emotions: love and fear. All positive emotions come from love, all negative emotions from fear. From love flows happiness, contentment, peace, and joy. From fear comes anger, hate, anxiety and guilt. It’s true that there are only two primary emotions, love and fear. But it’s more accurate to say that there is only love or fear, for we cannot feel these two emotions together, at exactly the same time. They’re opposites. If we’re in fear, we are not in a place of love. When we’re in a place of love, we cannot be in a place of fear.
This quote has been on my mind a lot the last several days. I have been trying to figure out what the quote was during this time and then questioning why it has bubbled to the surface. I found the quote this morning along with the article quoted below. I recognize the name of the woman associated with the quote above but again am not sure why, so I Google her. She was a psychiatrist whose expertise was in the psychology of death and dying and conversely living… The 5 stages of grief…this is the lady. I have a degree in psychology and in education, perhaps this has subconsciously bubbled to the surface.
I would have been introduced to this lady through two very memorable courses the psychology of death and dying and the psychology of aging. I remember the rooms I took the courses in, some of the teaching aids used…they were poignant courses for me. I have a friend making the very stressful decision to divorce and I start thinking about the list of stressful life events a prof put up in death and dying…I’m certain it is in the top five.
Again, I Google… Divorce is #2 on the list and #1 is Death of a spouse…. Here I thought this quote was bubbling up because of my own fears expressed on some level in this blog.But I’m struck by 1 and 2 on the list and see clearly that the last several days and even month these two very significant life events have been on my mind a lot. A lot! I’m a little freaked out about this discovery. Coincidence? It’s freaky given my conversations with my friend, my reflection on my own divorce in order to try to impart wisdom and offer support and then there is the man blog which has been part of my reading every single day for a month… Weird. So I’m sharing all of this stuff this morning why? Honestly…I’m at a loss for a profound statement here but I share regardless.
The list of stressful life events and their order can be found at this link:
As I search for the love and fear quote, I came across the article quoted below. It is a very, very interesting read….link to article follows quote…
“Numerous activities produce more oxytocin: meditation, yoga, exercise, massage, caring for a pet, joining a support group, worshiping, and so forth. Yet one of the most important avenues for decreasing stress and increasing levels of oxytocin lies in our intimate relationships. In Love & Survival, Dr. Dean Ornish points out that love and intimacy are such powerful determinants of health that if they were produced in pill form, doctors who failed to prescribe them for unhealthy patients would be guilty of malpractice.
Incidentally, one might wonder why we can’t just take oxytocin pills to increase levels of this helpful hormone. Unfortunately, oxytocin doesn’t cross the body’s “blood/brain barrier,” except in the form of nasal sprays. However, long-term administration of oxytocin via spray has resulted in amnesia, hallucinations and imbalances in electrolytes and hormones. To gain its benefits, we must either produce it naturally in the brain (or have it injected with great precision into a tiny area of the brain using special equipment…not terribly practical).
Oxytocin has been nicknamed the “bonding hormone” and the “cuddle hormone.” We produce it naturally when we love, are loved, nurture another, give selflessly, or engage in affectionate touch. It is not the neurochemical behind lust or burning sexual desire, although it is associated with sexual responsiveness.”
There it is for whatever purpose…. Now finally unloaded from the forefront of my mind!
Thanksgiving weekend comes to a close. All in all it was a really nice weekend. Busy but good.
This weekend saw a birthday party/sleepover, turkey dinner prep here, turkey dinner and running, laundry and a couple hours of well deserved couch time.
Today was my parents’ 47th wedding anniversary! How amazing is that! They’ve been together since they were twelve and 13. So, it’s actually 53 years together. Wow!
I went for a run along the Parkway this morning. Not my best. Some little birdies keep telling my expectations are too high and they are right… I tested out some ephedrine and caffeine to see if it would improve my results. The girl at GNC said she could cycle like a machine with it. Not so much. Maybe over time as I lean out. A text before I ran sent me into analysis paralysis. It always amazes me how someone can be on your mind and then perhaps you dismiss those thoughts and then bam the person texts, or calls, or emails. Am I the only one this happens to? It freaks me out sometimes.
I had a million thoughts on my run – part of my problem. Some of it was me not being so kind to myself about giving in to fatigue and walking. A lot of it had to do with PS I Love You… I had visions of an amazing blog tonight but this is all I’ve got.
Melissa Lamb retweeted one of my #magic tweets today. I was so excited about it. Unbelievably excited that the magic I’ve been wishing for might come through. Fingers crossed!
Tomorrow brings on the work week. Twin#2 came down for some water. And she asks me if I have a lot of paper work to do tomorrow at work. Super cute. I explained I use the computer. I take numbers and put them into tables so other people can read them. She asks what the numbers are for. So, I tell her that people have promised to do so much work, with so much money, and every month I go get the numbers for those things in the computer and put them in a table for the big bosses. Budget stuff. She then says ” We’re going to the computer lab tomorrow.” She proceeds to talk about a research project. All I can think is how beautiful and cute she is. <3
My running companion starts firing off Resolution run and foam fest registrations lol Our little bootcamp captain!
My personal Cupid sends me this meme via Twitter and I know what she’s thinking…. It’s sweet.
I found this one below. I’ve seen it before. I probably have 3000 quotes in my Pinterest world. It’s likely there several times…
I’m tired. This is all I have in me tonight.
I should have initiated the email trails below in January of 2015 when I finally made a discovery telling me this guy was a liar and a fraud. Instead I gave him deadlines to pay back money owed, to make things right and then we could move forward with our lives with a clean slate. Him responsible for his own money problems and not me housing them on my line of credit, losing sleep every night that if I died the next day, my family would be on the hook for this guy’s debt. I felt trapped in the relationship as we had purchased some significantly priced items and now had debts that were only going to equal more loss monetarily as if the emotional bankruptcy I was experiencing wasn’t enough. Nothing would be quite that simple. Deadline would come and go and the thought of a lifetime with this chaos and disrespect would finally wisen me up and kick him out. To his dismay he had not yet secured a new source of supply. It was somewhat gratifying to catch him off guard.
After he left in April 2015, I was exhausted, it was all I could do to manage my children and get my ass to work. I had started a new job and really had no choice. So much stress in May. June 2015 would be the month of truth, private investigator, a failed attempt to outsmart the sociopath and my unwavering desire to stop him from hurting someone else. This would turn out to be an impossibility and something that is hard to accept even today. But I have to. I worry for his son, I worry that he will grow up to emulate his father and all of the wonderful work his mother is doing to raise him will be undone and then so will she. I miss that sweet little boy. Again not my load to carry but sometimes I still pick it up and walk around with it. Not often. More like now because I am bringing it forward.
The emails below would lead to two conversations. One with Maya reflected in the correspondence and one with Téanna (not their real names). After speaking to them, I tried to outsmart this master deceiver, so I programmed their names as they are here, into my phone in case he might see it and we all needed protection.
The sociopath presented to me as someone who had been a bachelor until now, he’d never lived with anyone and he’d never met anyone like me. I was the first woman that made him think of marriage. I was his angel from the heavens and we needed to grow old together. He said these things to get away with bad behaviour and to manipulate me. Everything was ‘a learning curve’ for him…sharing a home, being around children, being with someone ‘like me’… When I read Maya’s response below, I literally stared at my computer screen all day, my mind went blank to protect me I suppose… I needed to know the truth though, I needed to know and recognize that all that transpired, the emotional abuse…he owned it all. I made some stupid choices but really I had no choice as he had an agenda and lead me to make decisions under false pretense. His love bombing and duping were powerful but his intelligence was lacking and he would get caught because I am an analyzer and analyzer’s don’t let things go.
I would read these emails in the days to follow, over and over and over. Each time was devastation.
As horrifying as the truth would be and there is way more to it than this, there was comfort in knowing the truth.
Who knew that the truth can be horrifying and comforting all at once….
Scroll to the end and then back up, the first email here is actually the last.
I’ll touch base after dinner. My cell is #####. And yes, lots to discuss
I am so sorry to hear all of this. I would love to chat with you. I am sorry to bring back those feelings for you. I have four wheelers and a trailer with him as well and of course he is dragging his feet on selling these things!!! As he failed to disclose he still had the toyhauler at his parents’ in xxxxxxxx. To my dismay, we drove to xxxxxxxx last summer and I said “Whose toy hauler is that?” He’s like mine. Of course, he never said you were still making payments on it or that you owned it together!! He claimed his parents were making the payments on it but he’s been letting you pay for it! That is disgusting, just disgusting. I’m sorry. I thought he sold it when he sold ******* Way!!! I can relate to everything you just disclosed. The mother of his child didn’t want him to have anything to do with their child and unfortunatley not being fully wise to His pathology, I helped him gain more access to his son and I so regret this now. I don’t know how to help her, she can’t seem to articulate all of these things or bring herself to. She did not live with him and they were only together a short time as well.
Do his parents know all of this Maya? I contacted His mom and laid it all out for her because he owed me $16000.00 above and beyond the things I have financed with him. I believe he is a sociopath with narcissistic personality as well, check out datingasociopath.com if ever you feel the need.
I am reading the last 18 months of my life below. I wish I had have contacted you in January as I wanted to. He flipped out when I said I would get in touch with you. I guess all of his ‘overtime’ at work involved cheating. He even lied about working for xxxxxxxx. So many things to discuss.
Please text or call me this evening or when you’er ready at ###### that is my cell. My home number is…..
Again, I am sorry to bring this to life for you again but I am ever so grateful that you are willing to talk about it with me.
I’m glad you looked into the health card, you were likely under so much stress that was the last thing on your mind. He doesn’t need to benefit from you any further.
I can’t ell you how relieved I am to hear that you and your children are no longer with Him. And that you didn’t have a child/children with him. When I saw your message yesterday, my heart sank with sadness and filled with anxiety.
My experience with him was traumatizing. I figure I’ve lost about $100,000 over the years, I’m still paying off debts, including paying for half of the trailer. Can’t wait for it to be sold and be completely rid of him once and for all.
I believe he has a narcissistic personality disorder: pathological liar, incapable of empathy, egocentric, etc. It’s the best explanation I’ve found for his behavior. He isolated me from my family and friends, chipped away at my confidence and self-esteem, lied about everything, constantly changed plans, made all sorts of promises, was unfaithful, spent my money, he even managed to convince my mother to finance his new truck under her name!
Anyways, there is a lot more to the story. I’d be happy to chat with you if you think it can help you get closure, heal and move on. I am so very sorry that you had this painful experience, I can relate all too well.
Sending you strength, courage and a big hug,
P.S. Thank you re health benefits cards. Turns out he is still listed as my dependant. Somehow my request to remove him must not have been processed. I’ll be sure to rectify that promptly! No recent claims (he wouldn’t know how to submit one anyways lol) so TG no harm done J
He and I lived common law for 18 months. He made promises to propose this December involving my children in ring shopping and then not following through. He asked my father for his blessing this March but I ended the relationship end of April 2015 as it was extremely unhealthy for myself and my 3 children. I’m not sure what your experience was, but It has been a less than pleasant experience to say the least both emotionally and financially.
When He and I met he claimed he was a bachelor when he lived in Xxxxxx, until I found your health benefits card this January. I was shocked to find it and then concerned for you that he still had it, although I thought it would likely be irrelevant. Even when I found the card He never disclosed that he was engaged to you. He claimed you lived together for two years but that was it. I figured I wasn’t getting the truth. Sigh. He now has a two year old son with another woman but they are not together (his child was born in November 201#) and that did not end well either, it is not an amicable situation.
Bella lived with us, she is a wonderful dog. She is doing well, we miss her too now.
Thank you for responding and sharing information you did not have to. It reaffirms that I have made the right decision for me and my family.
Sent: June-03-15 10:08 AM
Subject: RE: Benefit Card
Yes, I know him. We were common law for about 4 years (and engaged to be married) so I had added him to my health insurance. We have not been together for a few years now, so the card can be destroyed.
Can I ask how you know Him? Do you know Bella? I miss her terribly…
Thank you for bring this to my attention.
Sent: June-02-2015 3:59 PM
Subject: Benefit Card
Sorry to bother, I’m wondering if you can confirm whether you know an individual by the name of xxxxxx xxxxxx? The reason I am writing, is that I came across a Health Benefits card, with the name Maya xxxxx on it, in this individual’s possession and thought if you do know him, you might want to be aware that this person has this card. There are only two Maya xxxxxx in the directory. Perhaps it is irrelevant, at any rate, I just thought if it were me I’d want to know.
This is the question every newly single likely asks themselves and it is an important question. Everyone in your life will have opinions on your readiness, many of these opinions will be prefaced with “You should…” At the end of the day only you can find the answer to this question. How do you know? I don’t have the answer. You need to be connected to yourself and trust your gut. Maybe a better question is why are you looking? What is drawing you to the dating world? If it’s solely to fill a void, to distract you from your disappointment or loss or just for comfort, then I would say you’re probably not ready.
I’ve been through a trauma. It’s a trauma to me because I am a genuinely good human being and because I move through everyday with genuinely good intentions. This tends to make ‘bad’ behaviour a little more shocking and bewildering to me. There are women who could have lived the same experience I just did, dusted themselves off and moved on without flinching.
I’ve learned a lot from my experience. I’ve learned that the first person I need to trust is myself. Trust my gut and stand by my principles and values. I’ve learned that the right person won’t ask me to ignore my values, my needs and if I need to take it slow, the right person will accept that and move at the same pace. I need someone in my life who is independent, who is busy with other things but wants to make time for me even if that time may be limited or we have to get creative. No one is meeting my children until I feel confident in them as a human being. That could mean 3-4 months of dating someone. I have my kids 95% of the time. There are other people in my life that want pieces of my limited time and the person that I date will have to be accepting of the fact that I will choose time with friends too. Developing a relationship will take time, having lives that completely converge will take significant time. My kids are rooting themselves here finally and it would take something of epic significance to make me even entertain the thought of changing that. Any man who’s in a rush to be exclusive or to have me permanently warm the empty space in their bed is not the one for me. I won’t be able to spend a Wednesday night at my man’s house because I have my children every weeknight and they are not of an age where I can or want to leave them overnight without back up. I’m certainly not calling in grandma for a mid-week booty call. I want more than that and it will be a challenge. Someone special will eventually rise to that challenge.
Am I ready? Ready as I can be. I am open… Am I terrified? Yes, I am terrified. Trust will be a hurdle for me. But that hurdle will be there if I postpone dating for another 6 months, 1 year, 5 years… I fear if I wait too long – fear will be all I have and it will paralyze me. My two cats will become 15 cats and I will be that lady… I don’t want to be that lady. I want to find my ‘person’, the first person I turn to when something great happens, when there’s an adventure to be taken… The person who wraps their arms around me and makes the world disappear for a while.
Yesterday, in my conversation with Ginger we talked about some self-realization as a byproduct of the sociopath. She said to me “Remember I sent you that email about knowing when you’re in a controlling relationship early on with the sociopath?” I was like yussss and I was in denial. It went on a bit… And landed on her saying “Do you think you think you can fix these guys or something?” No, I am not quite so naive and coincidentally a couple of weeks ago I had a realization of why I tend to tolerate horse shit for far too long. Other than being far too freaking nice… I was a teacher for 12 years. That was my passion. I was a good teacher. I believed in teaching students not subjects. Math was my subject but I was teaching children the subject, those kids learning was my focus not just the content of the course. That meant I needed to connect to each one of those kids, even the difficult ones. I needed to look for the potential, the ‘good’ sometimes, in every one of the children entering my world. That’s a good philosophy in the classroom, it made me an effective teacher. That philosophy doesn’t necessarily translate to the dating world. I realize this is what I was doing. I was always looking for the good in people who were showing me good was lacking. I was going for the underdog looking for the potential and banking on the one or two good things I saw. That’s all well and good in dealing with a 13 year old who is still figuring out who they are. For a 37, 47, 57 year old man, if you’re 95% a douchebag then you’re 95% a douchebag and the other 5% doesn’t really matter. I don’t want to fall in love with potential. I want the real deal. I am ready for the allstar baby! I don’t expect perfection – I want human. I just want a good man. I expect at 40 something we all have some shit being thrown on our plates. And I don’t mind being there to support somebody, to be leaned on a bit. But I am not going to take your plate and deal with what’s on it to my fatigue while you live the life of Riley. I’ll hold your plate for you temporarily if need be, if you’ll take mine sometimes. But you’re getting your plate back!! With a hug and a kiss of course 😉
I planned on this entry being concise but I digress…
I know some of what I have written seems like I am damaged beyond repair but it is not the intention nor is that accurate. What happened is a big deal. If anyone should happen upon this and see themselves reflected in a relationship with a sociopath and it helps them in some way, then it needs to be raw and real here for that to happen. I’m just trying to lighten my load. I still have residual feelings and I am terrified of the unknown but I won’t let fear take the wheel. It can take a back seat and eventually it can get the faak out of the car!
Every day I have colleagues who make me laugh, friends who warm my heart and children who give me a reason to be and keep me in touch with my inner goofball.
Things are good here. I’m ready to be connected! But I am in no rush for anything.
Sens exhibition game tonight. Off I go to find a Neil t-shirt 🙂 Happy Saturday!!
And just push it, push it around
I guess to build yourself up so high
You had to take her and break her down”Read more: Keith Urban – Stupid Boy Lyrics | MetroLyrics
Before I launch my first of what are sure to be sometimes random, sometimes witty, sometimes profound, sometimes emotion laiden, sometimes inconsequential, sometimes helpful (I hope) posts in to the cyber public, I think I should provide some context…
I am a single working mom of 3 wonderful and of course at times trying human beings. I have a newly adolescent son and tween twin girls. Soon, I will need to be medicated in order to endure the tsumani of adolescence that is imminently approaching. I have been a lone parent for 14 years but on paper it would technically reflect 9 years. I know the truth and that’s all that matters.
I’m an only child to two wonderful humans. Yes, I was spoiled but I was also taught gratitude and generosity. I subscribe to those two values more than I do some self-absorbed, entitlement, egocentricity that many only children might. Many people are surprised to learn that I am an only child. My dad calls me a hippie because I am super empathetic, kind, sensitive, and giving. I am the girl who drives her neighbour (a stranger) and her child to the child’s daycare on my day off because the woman’s car wouldn’t start and I happened to be in my laneway to witness and hear the child proclaim her strong desire to go to ‘school’. I could have turned and gone inside. The small act of driving the child to school also encompassed assisting the mother in studying for her nursing finals without interruption. I believe in kindness as a rule. I believe in giving over receiving. It is a strength and you will see in some pages to follow it is also my greatest vulnerability. But I am learning… I have been fortunate in the family and friends that grace my existence but I have not been as fortunate in romantic love and I think it would be fair to say it is more than unlucky in love….
I met my now ex-husband when I was 16, we were together for 16 years – married for 8 of those years. He was my first love, my first for everything and I gave my heart and love to him in full, trusting that the same would come in return. Sometimes investments don’t yield returns… Not sure why I am speaking like a finance expert… I fought for my marriage but my ex-husband’s still undefined anger and verbal abuse was stronger than both of us and so it had to end for the sake of our children having a childhood free of tension and meanness. I wanted my children to feel loved and nurtured. To have the life where we sing, dance, love and laugh together. I wanted them to know what love is and what home means. Most days here are full of giggles and they are most certainly based in love, even if I am human and succumb to my fatigue and lose patience sometimes. Those moments aren’t that often and I know my children know they are loved. At the end of the day, that’s what I want for them.
Ten months after I divorced, I met an older man on Plenty of Fish. Eleven years my senior, I thought he would have his shit together. He was intelligent and said all the right things, at first. We did the long distance back and forth thing for two years and then I left everything that was my independence to live with him; moving my children from their happy home and friends to live a life with someone who promised to help me and more importantly to love me. I did this despiteconstant red flags smacking me upside the head. I wrote them off as the distance between us and thought that living together would see those flags disappear. He vowed to me and my parents that he would take care of me, of us and that I would not be alone. Day 1 of our living together, he flipped the switch and became sleeping with the enemy. Unlike the movie, only his words were weapons. This in combination with daily alcohol consumption were not conducive to my children having a happy childhood and so in less than 18 months, I moved us again. The days leading up to the move I slept on my son’s floor. As moving day approached the verbal abuse escalated, not in front of the children… He’d corner me in the garage… This was all compounded by the fact that my aunt was dying of cancer . I spent my days at my cousins home where my aunt had hoped to pass peacefully but cancer has its own agenda. I spent my nights taking tongue lashings. The day of my aunt’s passing, my then 10 year old son told me he had been physically assaulted at school the day before. Held by two boys and then kicked repeatedly by another too small to do his own dirty work. This was the culmination of incessant bullying and phone calls to principals that went unactioned. It was a shitstorm of emotional devastation. But we’re here and we’re happy, continuing strong on our journey. Still singing and dancing in the kitchen.
Am I a strong woman? Yes, I am. Could I have made different choices? Yes. Did I learn from it? Sleeping with the enemy…almost. It will take me one more lesson. The universe screamed loudly this time. True to my ‘hippie’nature, I believe we all have lessons to live through – things to ‘get’ in this life. These lessons keep presenting themselves until you get the lesson. The message is the same but the presentation gets louder and perhaps more shocking each time you fail to learn… I dated a few bozos before this next doozy but they never met my children or anyone else of importance… They’re good stories (kinda) too but not quite as significant.
After a few bozos, I decided to go online again. I was feeling confident. I was working out regularly, boxing, my personal trainer had me doing olympic style deadlifts in a male dominated gym. I felt empowered and like I was truly the master of my destiny again. But I was still hoping to find my male counterpart, someone to love, a best friend to grow old with. Within two days of registering on POF, I had 7 dates lined up to take place over a 2 week span. I wasn’t trying to be a serial dater but I was going to make an informed decision. I was going to see what some of these intriguing fish were about and then I would choose the ‘one’. Delusional? Perhaps… Unfortunately, among the potential was a narcissistic sociopath. He was date number one. I gave him only an hour of my time. I was feeling connected to two others. I cancelled a few of the other dates – feeling guilty and overwhelmed. I had a date with a paramedic, two nights after the sociopath. It was a running date, we were both into running. The paramedic came around the corner at our meeting point and my heart fluttered like mad. We had a good run, we were both signed up for the same 10k race and we planned a second date, one without sweat and dressed up a bit more. He was a good father…a hero for godsakes. But date 2 would not come and I would not show up for that 10k… The sociopath had other plans. He would love bomb me, get me caught up in a whirlwind I had never experienced and when I’d panick and question things he would bomb harder and then I would question myself or add non-existent logic to a completely illogical situation. He was all in within an hour. He had an answer or diversion for all of my questions and hesitations. I broke all of my single mommy dating rules and I ignored the red flags because he was that good at duping me, for a few months anyways and when he couldn’t dupe me, he would break me a little as a diversion…
April 26, 2015 saw this monster and all of his chaos out of our home and we could all finally breathe easy again… I spent three months devoutly reading the blog datingasociopath.com until it was not comforting anymore (comforting is probably not the right word), repairing shaken friendships and assuring my loved ones, I had heard the universe this time. And I have, I know I have. This break up brought me to my knees, it was trauma. It had all been a lie and it was full of insiduous and overt mental abuse. This tested my strength. It challenged my views on humanity. It clouded my belief in the existence of decent human beings. It was a trauma. I am still healing. Instead of being my strong, stubborn, soldiering self, when I feel the crumble coming – I surrender and I don’t tell people I’m good when I’m not. In the beginning, I cried a lot. A country song on the radio, in the car on the way back from the family cottage, has my children singing and me bawling – in front of my kids. At one point, after speaking with his first two fiancees, I thought I could outsmart the sociopath. We had financials to deal with but dealing with those expediently would take convincing the sociopath. I could only keep the charade going for about two weeks until he flew into one of his chaotic and nasty rants on the phone over me not texting him back quick enough or some nonsense like that. I was being abused in a fake reality – no way! Done. Back to healing….
I intend this to be a space where my healing takes place and maybe someone else’s. I dated a sociopath, I have been through some other serious shit over the course of 14 years but it is not going to get me… I am going to fight for the hope that true love will happen not because I need it to but because I know it exists and I will find it when I least expect it…. I have a lot to be happy about, I am a very fortunate human in many ways. I am grateful for what I have and ultimately I am content with all that is currently in my life…
I don’t plan on the pages I add to be all heavy, dramatic or all about struggles. Some of them will be my daily blunders, things my kids say or do to make me laugh or warm my heart, quotes, song lyrics, triumphs and yeah venting the shitty things that come in – residual feelings, fears, pain, grief that creeps in unexpectedly and the common struggles of a single parent… It happens some days and it’s not pretty but I let it happen, I feel it so as to lighten the load on my heart. I’m strong but I’ll choose the load I’m gonna carry and I plan on it being light… Giving these things a ‘voice’ will help me on the rest of my journey.
I love to laugh, sing in my car, I am super sarcastic, I love music and playing it loud, dancing around the kitchen just last night with twin#1 to NWA’s Boyz in the Hood, torturing my teenage son with some lame running man rendition and laughing until I cry. I plan on any readers laughing with me.
Last night I ran 8km and it sucked… I plan on being strong again… body, mind and soul. I will keep registering for races until I crush at least one…races are symbolic for me. It’s just me and the finish line, what everyone else is doing around me is not my concern for once! Love it.
So, welcome to my world. On with the journey…