Monthly Archives: November 2015

Final blog… 💋💋💋

imageI just walked a corridor where I could hear whistling around the corner. It’s Friday. Most people are smiling and whistling. I have been whistling in my cubicle too.
This morning I signed a document that brought a smile I could not contain to my face. I wanted to skip with elation to my vehicle. I felt like a big deal as I made my way from the building to my car. You don’t realize how numb or low you’ve been until you feel high and alive. Nothing beyond what should be the norm but when the norm has been dark and heavy, it’s certainly great to have the sun be like an embrace instead of being a blinding truth. The sun shines and people whistle. I am one of the whistling people today and I do not feel it is a fleeting thing.
Being on track after such a catastrophic derailment is a feeling beyond words.
Looking forward to a night out at the race track. Walking Dead slot machines. Gotta be lucky.
I’m tasting stability. Happiness, genuine happiness and contentment. I’m an Aries so it makes me want everything to be perfectly in order and shiny right now. One tiny taste and I want the whole buffet, now!! The voice of reason reminds me “You can’t move a mountain in a day”. I love that ‘voice’. Typically my inner Aries would be like “Oh yeah, dear Yoda…watch me move that damn mountain tomorrow!!!!” Not now. Not this time. Now, I’m just like yeah you’re right, I’ll just sit my old ass down for a bit instead cuz I won’t be moving anything if I burn out. Burn out is not an option…

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Celebratory lunch with T. Smiles and giggles. Horoscopes that read like they were written just for me. I’m glad I’m here. Literally and figuratively. There were days where I may have wished I was not, where everything was just too much for me to deal with. When my heart is not handled properly, when I do not handle my heart properly, it’s easy to go to that place. I don’t want to be there. I want to be here. I am here…no looking back.


This blog is coming down. It has been therapeutic to write most of it. Some of it I wish I could keep writing. I will probably do so privately. There are things in my heart and on my mind that need to be locked away and shared only face to face; perhaps never to be shared. It’s hard not to write those things out, to hold back. Spell them out. And then some things are just better left unsaid. I’ve posted and then deleted stuff. Some stuff I have posted and it set my heart a pounding… Some stuff I have deleted after posting, feeling foolish and well, my Aries fire doesn’t help either…. And so I move from the blah, blah, blah to this:

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This morning as I drove in to work I heard this song and I thought I want to post this in my blog, it spoke to me. It spoke to me, that’s all. I was listening to 88.5 Live, it’s the only connection I can make right now….

Song blog…

I love this song! Love love love!

And these onesthey play frequently on my iPhone, they have for years with the exception of the last one its new but I love to dance to it or run 😉 ….

 

Music is my escape!! Always has been. I’m either lost in the lyrics or moving to the beat. No one will ever make me turn off my music again. It’s what keeps my home alive, sparkling and connected. Never again!

Always a work in progress. Trust and fear they still present as obstacles some days. I’ll just keep conquering them and I will let romantic love in. It will come… I want it to.

Always alright…Ciao Bellas!!!
Muah 💋

 

“He’s just…”

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We’re taught that in life, we should try to look on the bright side, to be optimistic. Not in this case. In this case, look on the dark side. Assume rejection first. Assume you’re the rule, not the exception.

Greg Behrendt

I referred to Greg Behrendt’s book the other day. I have friends in the dating world dealing with men who seem to be playing games. Making the girl an option. Taking her heart for granted and using it for their entertainment or ego.

I don’t give a rats ass what their current situation is or yours, if they are in to you they will say so. If there is a valid reason they cannot fully give their heart at this time, they need to take it slow; they will tell you. They will be honest about that because they will not want to lose you. If they are truly interested, they will tell you that too. They will show you! Their actions will match their words. No one is so busy that they cannot drop you a text or two in 24 hours. No one! 

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Conversely, they will not ever simply tell you they aren’t into you. Especially if they want to keep you as an option. Or simply they are immature cowards who fear you’re crazy, your tears or you will unleash a verbal beat down.

If you tell someone your heart is open to them and they tell you don’t get close or they don’t know what they want, they are figuring it out,  but keep texting you. Or they don’t text for days and days and then reappear like they never left you hanging. They are just not into you!! They’re in to one person though – themselves. They need a little ego boost or distraction and they’ve got your ‘number’. You’re a sure thing. A guaranteed response. The best cure for that ladies? Lose their number! Do not respond to those texts!!! Your heart is not a game. Your number is not an outlet for boredom! “Never make someone a priority who only makes you an option”.

Cryptic texting that makes the person mysterious or raises questions. Drop that game honey. Your heart is a pawn. Leave the unsolved mysteries to the FBI!

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You shouldn’t have to romanticize something or fill in the blanks. Especially in the adult realm of 35 plus year olds. Come on ladies, we’re smarter than this!

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Stop telling yourself you’re the exception to this dude. If you were, there’d be no wondering. No questioning. No assuming. No agonizing. Every day, yes every single day, you’d know you’re on his mind. He’ll want it that way because he couldn’t afford to let someone as good as you get snapped up by someone else.

“But what I can do is paint you a picture of what you’ll never see when you’re with a guy who’s really into you: You’ll never see you staring maniacally at your phone, willing it to ring. You’ll never see you ruining an evening with friends because you’re calling for your messages every fifteen seconds. You’ll never see you hating yourself for calling him when you know you shouldn’t have. What you will see is you being treated so well that no phone antics will be necessary. You’ll be too busy being adored.”

Greg Behrendt

If  he contacts every minute of the day with unrelenting phone calls and an engagement ring in the first month… That’s excessive. That’s psychotic. Run away fast. And read about dating a sociopath if you’re even considering romanticizing this kind of excessive attention. Been there done that, got the battle scars…

Someone can be in a place in their life where they are not ready to date. They can. If they are true to themselves, they will take themselves off the market and they will tell you they are doing so. If they see how awesome you are, they will not want to hurt you. They will prevent that from happening. They will not make you the fool. The option. You are not here for someone else’s entertainment while they figure their shit out. Not cool!

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We read the books. We experience the shit and we still romanticize it!!! A turd covered in glitter, is still and always will be a turd!!!  I don’t care how handsome they are or how flashy that smile is ladies! Handsome is as handsome does!

God damn it why do we settle? Don’t! You are amazing and you deserve more!

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I don’t understand how we get to the place where the message is clear but we still think it is something other than it is. We all do it at some point. We exhaust ourselves. Love should not be exhausting. It should be energizing and invigorating.

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Believe you are worth more than scraps of someone’s time. If someone puts your heart on a string, buy scissors!

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Oh happy day…

Today was a grrrrrreat day!!! I have moved from fear to happiness. In two weeks, I will start a new chapter of my life. It is exciting and nerve wracking but mostly just amazing. I look forward to looking forward to getting out of bed each day and going to work. To enter a building I have been dreaming of as an employee and not just a visitor. It has been a long time coming and I will not carry question marks with me on this journey any longer! No more what if I had… I’m excited!! Thank you to Carly for bringing me clarity and making sense because you are just incredibly smart!

A colleague thinking I was on my last days at my current place of employment came in when he wasn’t supposed today. Here are three people who have no idea the impact they have had on me simply by being themselves everyday. Simply by sharing a space with me. They are all just wonderful. I will miss them. But I will tell them what they mean to me before I leave. Hopefully without tears but this is me we are taking about…. Oye… I got teary just thinking about saying goodbye to them and my heart filled when my fellow Aries was like “What? I thought you were gone Friday!?!?! Why did I come in? But then we all made our way to the kitchen and laughed. Read our horoscopes and analyzed. Jay Jones read us the recipe section of the Metro and I told him which ones he should make and bring in for us. Then we went back to our cubicles and I cursed him for the hundreds of chocolates waiting at his desk to be eaten. They celebrated with me this afternoon when I confirmed my date of departure. All smiles like proud parents. They are amazing people. A tribe I leave behind physically but I will always have what they have given my spirit. Renewal. Belief in the existence of good humans again. Kindness. Hard work. Integrity. Laughter. Work family. I will miss these three immensely!

I have been sitting here thinking about what I can get them before I leave. Questions about notes in kids’ lunches makes me remember a friend initiating a kindness jar for someone. And I think oh yes!!! That’s it I will leave them a variation of an affirmation or memories jar. Notes they can pull out each day leading up to Christmas.

I will do this for my kids and for other special humans in my life.

Here is a link to a “You Are” jar… I will make a variation on this. I like the tag on this jar.

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Check out the full post on how to do a You Are jar here  http://geekclubbooks.com/2013/11/you-are-jar-of-positive-affirmations/

I would add photos with notes on them about the moment captured. Make it to suit your personality and the needs of the recipient. So much fun!! I can’t wait to start mine. Mason jars can be found cheap at the dollar store along with stickers and tags oh my! Love this!

Bring on Friday!!! Friday is going to be epic! Well, the whole damn weekend is gonna be. Fast forward please!!!

This is what today was like. Happy! The pictures we take at our friends’ request. My daughters laughed hard in taking this one. I thought I might pee my pants.

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Muah 💋

Tell your story…

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In a few days, I will not be posting as much if at all.

I hung out with Ginger last Saturday which was nice. I’m a homebody so you’ll never get an argument from me to stay home, sip wine and hang out. We had a lot of catching up to do. Two years essentially kept apart by the sociopath. A lot of catching up that phone calls here and there couldn’t do. It was unexpectedly emotional. Tears.

Tears of I missed you. I had shown Ginger a post. As she was reading it, she took a deep breath as though trying to keep it together. I asked what the breath was about. She said “…and the sociopath worked his manipulation…” My heart sank. The conversation got heavy. It needed to, there’s repair required. Renewal. Her words “I could see what was happening. I felt I was losing you. We were losing you. What choice do I make? Do I tell you what I know and see and lose you? Do I choose to say nothing and lose you anyway? But I knew you would stop it and get out. I just didn’t know when. I hate him for what he did.” And then we cried.

And all I could say was “Me too.” And I cried. I sat at the same table in the summer and cried as I listened to a man express is heartbreak and pour tears at what the sociopath had done. Things the sociopath said to him that he knew I would be crushed to learn. And then the sociopath drove the wedge in between us to try to keep the truth from me. I sat as a grown man cried because I allowed the sociopath to win for a while. I cried with him.

I am lucky that I have friends who truly know me. Who could see that it was not me but him. They did not walk away. Some did but they were not real friends. My true friends knew I was not living my truth but living under the control of someone else. They knew I would come to my senses but it did not lessen the heartache there was in watching it. In losing time together.

Love should not hurt or isolate. If someone truly loves you, they will want to see you happy and spending time with other loved ones. They will want to see a smile on your face because it means your heart is happy. And your heart should matter not be manipulated.

Time does not wait for us. Time lost is time lost. Take back your time today and surround yourself with the people you love and trust. Get back to loving yourself  and the right person will appear and love you as you should be loved. Completely and unconditionally. They will make time for you and in some beautiful moments they will make time feel as though it is standing still. xo

Muah 💋

Second chances…

I do not wish to be in the midst of either destruction or distraction…

imageA photograph or two and a quote can sure bring clarity. Clarity is good.

Clarity….

I am grateful for second chances wherever it may lead…

At the time I met the Sociopath, I had been talking with a sweet, smart and funny man. We were to meet officially on his birthday at DQ. Instead, the Sociopath worked his manipulation and I cancelled that date. Two plus years ago. That cancellation was always on my mind especially as things worsened with the Sociopath and well it was just simply rude. I would tell my friends “I blew off a really nice guy on his birthday for this! On his freaking birthday!” This being the socio.

Going on POF again after the Sociopath was an extremely terrifying thing to do.

On there for a couple of weeks and then getting ready to delete my profile because well, it wasn’t what I needed or where I wanted to be…there he appeared.

I saw a familiar face had viewed my profile…. I recognized the user name. I reached out, certain I would be told politely to take a hike which I would have understood, even deserved really. It’s probably what I would have done to be honest.

But that’s not what happened…

And so I have been giving kudos and shout outs to people who have touched me. Some over a lifetime, some over several years, some I have only just met.

I want to say thank you here, to you, Chris. Thank you for bringing laughter back in to my life in a way I have not known it for a long time. Real laughter. Tears down my face laughter. It’s awesome. Walmart milk shenanigans, I still see you half way in the fridge dealing with “buddy” so I could get my 1% milk. Me as a ‘homeless’ girl going to pick up her race kit October 24 and laughing her ass off in the car to jokes about my appearance coming over bluetooth. Chai lattés…lmao!

Thank you for reading this nutso blog and being understanding. For reading this blog and not simply assuming I am some broken, mad woman. For reading about out to lunch koi fish references and persevering.

Thank you for seeing me as a human being with a story, a story that doesn’t define who I am but is just a part of my journey.

Thank you for embracing my thought bubbles and helping me pop them when needed.

Thank you for being patient and considerate.

I’m glad I did not miss this year’s birthday 😉

You are smart. You are funny. You are a good human.

Thank you for being you and letting me be me.  😊

I know you enjoy my nerd speak immensely, so this is for you…

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hank you Maj. XO

/p><<<<< t;<<<< gt;<<< ><< p>< /p>

“Martyr Saint…”

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“Thank you once again for being the martyr Saint.”  Everyone tells me not to give these words another thought given their source. Don’t let him get in there.  So, this is where we are at after 8 years of divorce? Name calling and anger. A distorted reality.

Saint? Maybe.  Martyr? Inaccurate. This term is the most insulting.  This one is hardest to shake. Exaggerating circumstance to play victim and get sympathy. I am not a victim. I do not walk around this world crying the blues and asking people to pity me. I do not walk around announcing to the people I meet, I’m a single parent, feel sorry for me. Do not feel sorry for me! I do not feel sorry for me.  Sometimes I feel lonely.  Sometimes I feel angry that I do this all alone. But I do not pity myself, I am not a victim, and never want to be treated like one! Ever! That will not go over well with me.

Have I had to muster a lot of strength to deal with my ex-husband with class and grace? Yes, the energy it has taken to protect my children from the truth and to ensure they did not hate their new stepmom, because they wanted to, has been exhausting.  That is just a fact.  Please don’t feel sorry for me, I’m not asking you to.  I don’t want to live in sadness and anger. I consciously choose not to.  Do I visit sadness and anger? Occasionally, but not for long.  I need to. I’m human.  Everyone needs to connect with their emotions, reflect on circumstance, so that they can move past it. Face it and conquer it.

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Three Superman shirts, I own them. I’ve earned them! No apologies…

Am I going to downplay being a single parent? No!!!  It’s a tough gig!!!!! To deny that it can be a struggle would be a lie.  I am not a liar. It is wrought with worry and insecurity.  Fear of failure. Fear that it will have long term impact on the well-being of my children. The cure for this? Love. Dancing in the kitchen together.  Singing at the top of our lungs. Hugs and kindness. Friends and family who love us and support us.

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Anyone who knows me, knows I like to fly under the radar and only when I need to release stress, will I vent out the facts and feelings surrounding a situation. I need to, to survive.  I asked to create this blog so that I can tell parts of my story and maybe in doing so, something will resonate with someone else and it will help them. Reality? There’s probably a handful of people reading this. People I have told about it. People who already know. I am not looking for attention and I certainly don’t need anyone’s pity.  I have not and will not exaggerate anything here.  I will state the facts and my feelings.  People who are not ‘feelings’ people won’t get it. That’s okay, it’s not for you.

So, where is this coming from?  My ex-husband and I are revisiting our parenting agreement. He feels that his budget is tight due to significant child support payments.  Key word “budget”.  Change your budget because your children aren’t going anywhere!  My ‘sacrifice’ in our divorce has been my time and his, his bank account.  This is a constant source of friction. Him complaining about paying. I don’t set the amounts.  Call a lawyer, figure out what the payments should be. For eight years, I have made this statement.

Eight years later, it is still an issue and now that I have busted my hump doing all of the hard work and the kids are essentially self-sufficient, my ex wants to have joint custody. Why? Budget, finances, a desire to cut costs… Most weekends my children do not want to go there.  They say he is angry and yells and boots them outside for hours on end while he sits inside.  They wander around the ghetto of Ottawa, killing time.  My ex has taken to bashing me in their presence and his wife has too. The bashing is usually financially motivated. After all of the damage control I have done. Playing the devil’s advocate. Being the peacekeeper. Shielding. I find myself thrown under the bus. I can’t accept it anymore.  This day could not be avoided. My ex-husband is selfish, angry and verbally abusive.  He says sorry but then repeats bad behaviour. That’s what abusers do. The kids were going to figure out who he is, how he is, sooner or later.  I hoped they wouldn’t. I hoped he’d change.  It’s not to be. Change is not to come and now I have to stand up and do what is necessary for my babies. I’m not being a martyr!!  I am being a mother.

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At the time of my divorce, I used to think “Who will want me? Who will want us? This life. How will I do this? Who will ever sign on for this?”  Abused and alone, trying to survive the devastation of a life’s plan blown to pieces… I used to believe that a man would be the solution, a partner and this lead me to bring some undeserving people into our lives. I am not a perfect parent, I have made mistakes big and small.  My children have always known love, we have survived many things because we are a family.  I am strong and from my strength they gain strength.  Have they seen me crumble? Be sad? Yes, they have.  I used to think that was weakness and it was unpleasant for them, shocking even.  They saw tears but they saw me rise out of it. We’ve talked about being human and we’ve acted as family do. Hugging and loving each other through challenging times.  Unfortunately and fortunately, they have seen that you do not take someone’s abuse.  You do not stay in unhealthy relationships.  You push your way through and come through the fire, smiling and with love in your heart. My children have said they wish I could have my happy ending because of the bozos we have known here. The temporary heartbreak.  I don’t need a man to be happy.  My children are my happy ending.  They are the reason I get up in the morning, they are the reason I survive, they are where I find my strength. They are Love.

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Am I tired?  Yes, so tired.  I feel weak. Do I need a night off sometimes? Yes.  Some women do not get that.  Some women never get that.  I am fortunate. My circumstance actually calls for gratitude because it could be so much worse. We are blessed. We will be okay.

I haven’t always been strong.  I have gone to the ‘darkside’,. I have wanted to check out. In the first year of my divorce, feeling like a failure, I threw myself into my work, I worked out like a beast and I drank like a fish on my kidless weekends. There’s nothing to be found in a bottle but it’s bottom. A metaphor for life.  I wont settle for bottom. My children deserve more.

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I’m not sure I have the fight in me to deal with the custody battle that looms but that is what the lawyer is for.  I’m handing the load to someone else, finally. It has been hard to tell our story to the lawyer. To relive it, revisit the emotions. To keep the anger in check because if I lose it, we all lose here. So hard.  Yesterday, I opened the email from my lawyer. She summarized my concerns so succinctly in a draft letter and it reads so blunt. The truth. The hard truth, like a punch to the gut.  There is worry about his reaction. Will he take it out on the kids? He already is.  October 24, he took it out on them verbally.  They don’t want to go there, I don’t want them to go either.  ENOUGH!!

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I always wanted to be a mom.  I never saw it playing out this way.  I never knew love like this until I held my children in my arms.  My son is my first experience with love at first sight.  I have never had my heart fill like that. Pure love.  Who knew that your “heart could walk outside of your body”. All I want is for them all to know love and their worth. I thought they needed their father in their lives; a man.  A man does not abuse his children.  He does not bash the mother of his children.  That is not a man.

I can do both. I have been the one to tie a tie, Youtube, yay! I have been the one to toss the baseball and show my son that I can hit the ball well, to his surprise. Taught him how to swing a bat.  I have taught them how to swim, how to catch frogs.  I have sparred in my living room with my son. I have shown them strength and love. I hope my son is learning how to be a man. A real man.  Sometimes we learn what to do by seeing what should not be done.  Concept attainment – Barry Bennett

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I woke up to this in my Twitter mail…

OMG marry me Dwayne! God this man makes me melt ;)
OMG marry me Dwayne! God this man makes me melt 😉

I’ll find the strength, I always do. I’m a survivor! Not a victim and not a martyr.  Go ahead, try me!!

Always alright,

Muah xoxoxo

Good grief


I spent last weekend immersed in movies and retail therapy.

Southpaw which was emotional and made me want to strap on my boxing gloves and pound the heck out of something. It has my son wanting to join a boxing club. Who’s inspired this, the movie and his mother!!!! Sorry, I’m being a “martyr Saint”.

Inside Out. Great movie! I laughed out loud a lot. I loved Disgust she cracked me up. My mom says “Hey it’s Abbie!” That went over well. Payton was Joy. I would Fear right now. Bottom line, true joy cannot exist in the absence of sadness. They both need to exist in balance. Good movie, will watch again. 🙂

Love Story with Ryan Oneill and Ali McGraw.  It’s sweet and tragic. My son comes in part way when Oliver and Jenny meet at the door as he returns from receiving the news. She asks Oliver what he sees and he says “I see you”. I’m like awww and then in chimes my son “Oh my God, what are they even talking about!?!? This movie is so stupid! It makes no sense” Then comes the scene where she is watching him skate, she is soaking him in, taking it all in knowing as the soul does what is coming. My son is like who does that? This is lame. I said some day you’ll be in love and stupid too. You’ll watch her eat her fries and think it is one of the great wonders of the world. He is like “No, I won’t. That’s so dumb”  Ah man did I laugh.

Off to The Peanuts Movie… What it’s a love story too with Charlie Brown working through insecurities… Oh my… Sigh.

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I have a conversation with a friend about another friend who is going through a tough time with their spouse being angry and abusive. It brings back feelings and memories of dark times and heartache here. It follows me like a little dark cloud. Alters my mood a bit as I go to spend time with someone and they can sense it. I shrug it off.

It’s never easy to leave someone and when they’ve broken your spirit you have to dig so deep to find that one ember of courage to ignite the decision to end it. To choose yourself and your journey. To choose happiness and peace.

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Sending the women in my life strength and courage…. xo

 

Simplify


The post below is what I intended to post  last Thursday evening or Friday morning, things changed and it didn’t get finished.

Ok, so who was I kidding? Me, a calm mind??? Lets all pause to laugh for a moment….

If there were an award for analysis paralysis, I would be a top contender. Not really something that makes me burst with pride. Sometimes, I think it would be so much easier to have a simple mind, to be ignorant, to care less…. I would just be happy all the time because I wouldn’t know the difference. I wouldn’t question. I would simply exist in simplicity.

Oversimplification…

….a sociopath thing and basic jerk thing. I can’t remember what prompted this in the car on the way to work. Something on the radio but it escapes me. I do, however, know the “train of thought” it provoked though…

I think people oversimplify significant life experiences for two reasons:

1. Deceit. They are knowingly hiding facts or omitting pieces of the puzzle about themselves that if you knew, would lead you in another direction. They are lying, covering things up, minimizing a situation avoiding accountability. Sweeping it under the rug. Oversimplifying… These people need a good shaking. They need someone to call their bs out! This was the way of the sociopath.

“I don’t know why we broke up, it came out of the blue.” “She’s simply crazy!” “I have a restraining order but it was a misunderstanding because she is bitter.” “I don’t know why….”

2. Fear. They would rather avoid telling it like it is because they fear connecting with the reality of life events; facts or how it actually is. They fear judgement. They fear what “appears to be weakness”. These are the “I’m fine.” “No big deal” “All good” “I’m okay” when the reality is they are not fine, they are not okay and it is not all good. They are not bad people. They are simply trying to survive, right now. They need someone to take them by the hand and say let it out lovey, I will not judge, I get it. Here’s my shoulder lean on it, that’s what it’s for…. ****Ironically this would apply to the Thursday night emergency.

A person of simple mind and heart would take these things at face value but the intuitve and caring mind and heart will simply not let it rest …

Yep, I’m a weirdo, this is the stuff I think about during my morning commute. This is part of why I am always so tired…. I think like this and then I see a Dodge Charger and then I think why am I driving this Nissan and not that machine? I visualize the Charger with a hemi in gun metal with killer wheels and then I go to lalaland a bit. Guys at work were recently talking about how in Vegas you can take fast cars out for a drive. I day dream about this a bit and then I get to work. Thought bubbles, that’s how I roll…

Idealization and Glorification

The way of the dreamer. Guilty! I have been a dreamer from birth. My parents were informed of this by my grade 1 teacher, who was no stranger to smacking a meterstick down on my desk to bring me back to Earth. I was also excruciatingly shy – these actions were a bit traumatic. She is always “dans la lune”; daydreaming. I am a dreamer, you’ll get no apology from me on that. It does; however, complicate my life at times because it makes things unecessarily hard or difficult to let go of.

I have been in a state of torment in two aspects of my life lately. My career is the first. I have spent 18 months going to an organization that on a Hollywood level has a sense of glamour and adventure. I have entered the building for this organization and been swept away. I allowed myself to dream, I placed the organization on a pedestal and glorified it to the highest degree. It’s all I wanted and they picked me. They said “We want you, sign here.” And I panicked. I questioned. I freaked out because another department turned around and said the same thing. What do I do, choose the dream or choose the true fit, the right fit, the “sure thing”? It’s about want and need again. I need a place that I know will allow me to see myself again, that will allow me to grow. A place that is safe and full of like minded people. When we glorify something, we will surely be let down. We make it difficult to see the beauty in other things because it has been so idealized we feel nothing can compare. My worth will not be rediscovered in the ideal, it will be found in collaborating with like minded people, creativity, opportunities to grow and in the support of people who see what I have to offer them within an hour of speaking with me when I don’t yet see it myself. That’s what I need.

I had glorified this other job opportunity to such a high level that this morning I actually felt like we were “breaking up”. A wise person has convinced me to take pride in the fact that under such scrutiny and high standards they did choose me but just because they chose me, doesn’t mean I need to choose them. It is not what I need and after everything I have been through the last couple of years, I would not survive the let down… I simply would not… The journey not the destination, right?

The other aspect of my life… That’s for another day… I’m just trying to stay grounded and take it day by day… Time will give me what I need there… Timing…

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I don’t know what was going to go here.

Decisions…

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“Morning K”

I sit and wait for a macro to run at work… And in comes an email on the bottom right corner of my screen… Mike a, subject: Trailer… My heart pounds as I have known it to pound the last couple of weeks and I feel sick… Fear… Why do I have to deal with this today? Why do I have to deal with this at all????

Same feeling I had Sunday morning when I finally checked voicemails  and heard “This is detective C from the Ottawa Police Service calling in regards to a report you filed…” Yeah 2 months ago! Then there are two subsequent messages where the officer gets pissy and tells me the file will be closed… Great, close the file! I’m sick of thinking about it. I’m sick of dealing in the reality that this psycho gets to walk among us. Close the file! Throw it away!  Burn it!  Remove it from my mind! Take that rotting piece of my heart while you’re there, amputate it so I never have to revisit it! Please take it from me, you can’t do anything about it but can you at least do that!?!? Take it from me and file it away under lock and key… Ugh.

It’s amazing the things your insides do when emotions run high, when Fear steps under the lamp post uninvited and lingers…

I open the email as Fear stands behind me, with its hand on my shoulder…

“Morning K…” Some blah blah blah about the trailer. Meh, just keep paying…I can’t deal. I don’t even care what it says! All I can see is the greeting… Who the f@%# does this lunatic think he is?

You don’t get to call me K, KK, special K, Miss K, angel, babe, princess… None of it! Only people I love and who truly love me can use such references, although there are some I can never hear again…

Just write the email, skip the greeting where you act like everything is normal. Where you act like nothing happened. Quit screwing with me!

And then I realize I am letting him. I am choosing this reaction. So, I remove Fear’s hand, finger by finger and send it on its way. My insides settle and I simply reply:  “K. Thanks.”

I am restless, in a state of flux, waiting, impatiently waiting for answers from here and beyond. I am feeling coo coo bananas.

Perhaps this ECA stack thing should be shelved until there’s some balance again…

I hate this restlessness…. It is not me…

The purge is good though.

I sit here and engage in conversations about my hair, it’s curly today, au naturel,  German names, horoscopes and no one is the wiser…. Life is bizarre some days!!!! Just bizarre – the masks we wear…

Let’s Meme it out… Get nerdy with me 😉

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Always alright,

Muah 💋

 

 

 

 

Rumi and Chocolate

I am weak!! I have no willpower. There is chocolate everywhere at work. What’s a girl to do? It’s torture…

Morning workout was completed. 21 Day Fix Cardio my PIYO DVDs seem to have disappeared…

I woke up to a 5:30am text saying “50 squats done Miss K!” which launched my butt out of bed quick! I still have 50 to do! Should have pounded them out this morning…

Last night’s episode of the Walking Dead was about inner peace in the worst of circumstances. Aikido… ” How best to exist in a world stripped of its artifice? What do human beings owe one another?”  The book ‘The Art of Peace’. Appreciation of life and redirection of chaos/evil. Avoiding one’s undoing and connecting… This is my favourite show! It reminds me a bit of the koi legend – the dragon to emerge being the survival of humanity.

Given there wasn’t a whole lot of action, I searched up Rumi quotes on Pinterest and exchanged dream home tales via text.

I’m officially obsessed with Rumi quotes. I’m enjoying tapping back in to my word nerd again. I remember I used to be criticized for my use of big words in my marriage. Put down for it – misunderstood- literally.

So here’s a bit of Rumi that spoke to me yesterday…

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