“Morning K”

I sit and wait for a macro to run at work… And in comes an email on the bottom right corner of my screen… Mike a, subject: Trailer… My heart pounds as I have known it to pound the last couple of weeks and I feel sick… Fear… Why do I have to deal with this today? Why do I have to deal with this at all????

Same feeling I had Sunday morning when I finally checked voicemails  and heard “This is detective C from the Ottawa Police Service calling in regards to a report you filed…” Yeah 2 months ago! Then there are two subsequent messages where the officer gets pissy and tells me the file will be closed… Great, close the file! I’m sick of thinking about it. I’m sick of dealing in the reality that this psycho gets to walk among us. Close the file! Throw it away!  Burn it!  Remove it from my mind! Take that rotting piece of my heart while you’re there, amputate it so I never have to revisit it! Please take it from me, you can’t do anything about it but can you at least do that!?!? Take it from me and file it away under lock and key… Ugh.

It’s amazing the things your insides do when emotions run high, when Fear steps under the lamp post uninvited and lingers…

I open the email as Fear stands behind me, with its hand on my shoulder…

“Morning K…” Some blah blah blah about the trailer. Meh, just keep paying…I can’t deal. I don’t even care what it says! All I can see is the greeting… Who the f@%# does this lunatic think he is?

You don’t get to call me K, KK, special K, Miss K, angel, babe, princess… None of it! Only people I love and who truly love me can use such references, although there are some I can never hear again…

Just write the email, skip the greeting where you act like everything is normal. Where you act like nothing happened. Quit screwing with me!

And then I realize I am letting him. I am choosing this reaction. So, I remove Fear’s hand, finger by finger and send it on its way. My insides settle and I simply reply:  “K. Thanks.”

I am restless, in a state of flux, waiting, impatiently waiting for answers from here and beyond. I am feeling coo coo bananas.

Perhaps this ECA stack thing should be shelved until there’s some balance again…

I hate this restlessness…. It is not me…

The purge is good though.

I sit here and engage in conversations about my hair, it’s curly today, au naturel,  German names, horoscopes and no one is the wiser…. Life is bizarre some days!!!! Just bizarre – the masks we wear…

Let’s Meme it out… Get nerdy with me 😉

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Always alright,

Muah 💋