Monthly Archives: October 2017

Re-construction


Gone are the days when I thought that a significant other is what I needed to define my life as successful and whole. I recognize that I idealized an outcome, I played rescuer, caretaker and defender of my character for the sake of an outcome I wanted. I had it all wrong. 

Narcissist, borderline personality, sociopath, Narcissist – there’s the pattern. Twenty years of my life spent in toxicity being degraded, disrespected, devalued and ultimately systematically deconstructed. 

I think the last Narcissist was the worst in that I really allowed myself to believe in growing old with someone again and for the first time I allowed myself to completely be me again. I was vulnerable, totally vulnerable. As much as I revealed myself, so too I lost myself over the 330 days that played out under the narcissist’s agenda. 

“Why do I keep finding these people?” I ask my therapist. 

“It’s not about why you find them or how they find you, it’s about why you keep them around? Why you become dependent on them?” she responds. 

I don’t believe in happy endings right now. I don’t trust that my person, the one I deserve is out there.  I don’t trust in “love” and romance. 

My therapist’s response to that is that he is out there, you just need to know how to weed through the unhealthy ones to get to him. We are going to get you there. This does not breed optimism for me but I trust her and I will follow her lead. 

The scariest part of the conversation was “healing requires time but the only way to fully heal will be to apply what we learn about what you want and need in an actual relationship.” 

Firefighter – still in the picture. My analysis paralysis got the best of me. It is not as sleazy and valueless as I assessed it to be. There’s more talking than there is tawdry. We share motivational videos. I share ten years of divorce wisdom. He reminds me that I am wise and my heart isn’t complete stone. He reminds me that I cannot be a rescuer or caretaker; I have healing to do. He reminds me that a good strong hug is nice. When he keeps me company via text as I make my way home from a west end Heart and Crown, he shows me that some guy’s actions do match their words. I’m grateful for that. Feel no feelings still applies. It needs to. Our paths have crossed for a reason, we will allow the universe to show us what it is. I think we are simply lamp posts… 

October 2015, is the last time I went to that west end pub. Like a giddy school girl, I awaited the entrance of a dashing gentleman with butterflies and nerves. A hug had me believing in magic and my girlfriends questioning exactly what I was drinking. “It’s just a hug! Calm down weirdo.” There was the charismatic gem who disappeared into the night. 

Self-Care after the Narcissist:

My therapist has labeled the last nightmare a Narcissist. Of course, I Google and return to my therapist wondering if I am a narcissist. She assured me it’s not the case. I came across a helpful article that tells me it’s not uncommon to feel this way in the aftermath. 

https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/am-i-the-narcissist/
So, therapy is one way I am working towards healing. Kickboxing is another. A six week weight loss challenge is helping get me back on a healthy track and keeping me focussed in the now. I stop and savour moments in my home that strike me. Like, all of my children in gathered in my bedroom giggling, FaceTiming friends on my bed which has me laughing. Time with friends. Finding artistic ideas to endeavour in soon. A lot of self-help reading. A LOT. Loving Mel Robbins’ 5 Second Rule. 

I reflect on what I think is important in a significant other. If I think of it as a traditional personal ad, so far it includes:

-Must have friends. Must spend time regularly with said friends. Must have compassion and empathy for others. Must be handy. Must be honest. Must not have interest in Craig’s List for any reason but particularly the sexually deviant sexual sections. Must be authentic – don’t refer to me as “Beautiful” and then “Hey, beautiful or Hey, gorgeous” every other woman on the planet. Must keep opinions or suggestions about how to parent to themselves. 

That’s all I’ve got right now. 

I love music. I think music speaks to us and whatever we are going through at any given time. I tend to latch on to one or two lyrics in a song that resonate with me. 

Silence by Marshmello ft. Khalid. “I found peace in your 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=tk36ovCMsU8

Coasting….

Therapy is a good thing. At this point, I wish I could go every day.

Me: I’m tired.

Therapist: Of course you are! This is more than a breakup. Real damage was done. I’m okay with you coasting right now as long as you are the wind behind your sails. No self destruction.

This:

Good morning,

So, I’m on a bus trying to keep my composure. 

Here’s the deal as my therapist just framed it 

“I have been through more than a break up with Chris.” I lived in Hell with him. In only a year he managed to do a lot of damage. Serious damage. He is a seriously unwell, harmful man.

It being only three months since things ended, I’m learning a few things:

1. Much healing needs to be done.

2. I have zero self-esteem/self love right now. I do not respect myself. 

3. I need to work on myself. 

4. I need to help my children heal. Feel stable again. 

5. I’m not ready to deal with someone else’s feelings. 

I haven’t liked myself much in putting myself in a FWB situation. I have continued to do it because I know you are emotionally unavailable and therefore in some ways not a threat to my heart. 

I’m sorry that we met under these circumstances. I know I am not this slutty kind of girl and I regret that I’ve allowed you to see me in this light. I have not respected myself or been true to my values. I own this. This has all been my choice.  

Besides, I’m sure there are way more exciting FWBs out there at this point.

So, I’m going to take some distance and work on myself. This is not healthy for me or you. 

Take care – you’re on the right track to healing – keep going. 💕

Tears…

Feel no feelings

This little mantra was offered to me at my last hair appointment as the topic of some of us women being too nice, too understanding, too caretaking aka codependent doormats of sorts was being discussed. Instead of attracting wonderful human beings into our lives, we attract the toxic and narcissistic. Why? Because we are so accommodating as to forgive peoples flaws to the point of not recognizing ourselves and our own needs. 

It’s okay to be a caretaker, it’s certainly necessary to be nice in this life. It is, however, not our responsibility to take on other people’s problems, needs, wants while losing ourselves in the process. To this I said “Why can’t I just be a hard ass?” Enter the mantra “Feel no feelings”. 

I don’t know how much I can actually subscribe to such a statement. It’s the polar opposite of how I’ve existed my entire life. 

I think it is more a matter of being the nice girl with boundaries. Knowing when to say no, knowing how to be there for people without actually taking on their life too. Finding compassion without becoming codependent. If we have to become someone else to be loved by another then we are with the wrong person. 

I don’t want to feel no feelings. I want to experience the joy in my kids, friends and colleagues. When it comes to the opposite sex, I’m not in a place to have feelings right now.  My heart just won’t allow it. In that regard, I’m out of commission. So I can heal, I guess and it seems to be out of my control at this point. I just can’t… Flowers, flash mobs or a scene from Say Anything will leave me indifferent… I haven’t been here before. Apathy towards romantic gestures. I haven’t figured out what that means yet or how that changes. 

I followed the advice of a friend who’s way less doormat – like than me. Went on Bumble to find, I don’t know what… Turns out Bumble is Tinder… Is this where it’s at? I have to resort to becoming Tinder trash?

I swipe right on a firefighter. I’m not impressed by this because I know all too well the uniform doesn’t make the man. My ex-husband is a firefighter. I swipe right because there’s an endearing smile there and I’m willing to test if I can be “that girl”. Why? Apathy. I don’t have to care – it’s the underlying premise of a meat market right? To not care and just be basic. Ugh.

“What are you looking for on here?” I ask.  “Friends with benefits, I guess, see what happens?” says the firefighter. Okay – let’s do this. My friends are like KayKay this is not you. Are you sure you can handle this? Of course, I can, I’m numb – I truly don’t care, about as much as this guy probably doesn’t care either. I try to convince them and myself that I can be this person. I lie to them and lie to myself. 

I’m going in to this carrying an extra 20+ lbs that messes with my head daily.  I want to just go hardcore on the workouts and running but I have a disc that’s ready to explode if I afford it the conditions to do that. So, when I push, it bitch slaps me back to reality and slows me down. Ten of these miserable pounds I want to lose are directly related to that disc. It took running from me and paved the way to a silent suffering and depression which lead me to good old friends: wine and jujubes. I ate my feelings because I’m KayKay. I don’t whine. I put on a brave face – so as not to bring other people down or make them worry. Instead, I eat my emotions. This time forgetting that I don’t have exercise to counteract the garbage going into my pie hole. Poof 15 lbs which I scaled back for Mexico 2017.   

After Mexico, brought a toxic home life that fired up my anxiety to the point where I entered work with some low level PTSD. Trembling and consumed by confusion and self doubt. I can’t destroy these feelings through exercises and they’re exhausting me. I turn to food.

So, I’m entering this FWB situation not loving myself too much which kind of takes away from the whole sexy experience it’s supposed to be…

Not to mention firefighter is a big teddy bear who is still not over his ex. I spend a lot of my time playing therapist. Fine but that’s where the codependent begins. I’m trying to heal myself right now, I can’t afford to take this on…

I realize last night as I’m playing therapist again. That I choose to cross boundaries for this person and keep others at bay because this guy is not available. He is no threat to me. And so this morning, I recognize that I need to distance myself from that… Soon…

I realize I’m now going to therapy tomorrow not to deal with all the disastrous relationships I’ve experienced and the why. I’m going to find out how to love myself, I’m not sure I ever truly have…