Christmas 2017, solo but not alone. Lonely at times but not alone. I have friends and family who love me, who add to my life and make it wonderful. Now that the narcissist is gone and I begin to purify my life, I’m making new friends and putting myself out there in social situations I would not have with the narcissist.
I have fun, I am loved, I have a good job. I’ve had a great life, never wanted for anything. The only thing missing right now is faith. It’s hard to have faith in romantic love and finding your person when you’ve spent a decade choosing very toxic, manipulative and abusive men.
I do not wallow in this on the daily. I go about my life smiling and enjoying the little moments as I always have. I find joy in random acts of kindness that allow others to feel special. I organized a Christmas stocking exchange for people single or alone on Christmas morning. That brought a smile to some. Particularly, a divorced mom who woke up without her daughter on Christmas morning. Waking up to a silent home on Christmas morning is a dark thing. She could not believe that strangers would reach out to brighten this time for her.
I made a stocking for the firefighter who otherwise would not have had one. This lead his 7 year old daughter to state “See daddy, Santa is real, he even brought you stuff you like.” That filled my heart.
I watched Miracle on 34th Street for the first time in my life on Christmas Day. I identified with the mother in a lot of ways, her skepticism but I took to heart the dialogue on faith versus doubt.
As I watched this Holiday classic, I received a text telling me there was something waiting for me on my doorstep. My heart pounded and I felt a rush of excitement. There was a beautiful bottle of wine and massage gift certificate. He snuck it up there knowing I would not want to have to explain it to my family. It’s the first time in 5 months, a gesture like that didn’t make me roll my eyes and want to run away. It’s something but it’ll take a lot more than that for my faith in true romance to be revived.
I don’t want days filled with doubt but with my track record skepticism is necessary.
I needed to see Miracle on 34th Street, it resonated with me. Helped coax a shattered piece of my heart out of the dark corner where it sought refuge 6 months ago. It rests there covered with a blanket of fear. Everyday, that piece takes in more and more light and eventually it will find its way back to the part of my heart where it belongs. It’s faith….
One day I will believe again.