New Years tears

Day 2 of 2018 and well, true to myself, I wake up and the hamster spins. While it spins, some tears pour. Just long enough to brew some McDonald’s coffee. I’m actually grateful for the tears. It means I’m allowing myself to feel.

In six months, I think I’ve cried twice. Once in therapy, probably about 2 months post break up. When those flood gates opened, they did not want to go back down. I had to get my shit together at that time so I could get on a public bus to work. That cry happened when I made the statement that I was okay to be alone. I am. Just this is not how I saw life playing out. Here they go again, they pour right now. I’ll keep typing to take advantage of time teenagers are still sleeping. Let them pour, they clearly need to.

The second time I cried in 6 months, was when I checked in with the man who sent me flowers. He told me he was suicidal. That was just too much. Too much. I called the suicide crisis line to get direction. The firefighter helped talk me through that as he sat at my kitchen island. Sigh.

And so, here I sit. Why the tears? There shouldn’t be any I suppose. What’s to be sad about? I have my health, I have my friends, I have my family…I have all of the ingredients for a happy life and I am happy.

I replay conversations with friends, re-read texts. Yeah, I re-read the firefighter’s texts too. It’s no different than reading letters from a loved one who’s passed. It’s part of our process. The firefighter’s texts swing from two dimensions “You deserve more” and “I thought you were okay with it (how things were), but that is not the case.” “I told you where I stood” Four months ago, he stood in my kitchen under the premise of friends with benefits, see what happens. That’s where we stood 4 months ago. The past few weeks I have very clearly expressed my limitations, my values and my desire to know if anything had changed(are we going to go on dates? are we going to explore making memories?). The answers lacked detail. The lack of detail was my answer.

Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Don’t you just hate when you find yourself living in a cliché!?! At the two month mark, I solidly did not give a f@ck where I stood. At four months when this has all the appearances of a relationship, I need answers. Intuitively, I know the answers. The answers are the lack of details in responses.

I re-read my very wise post on he’s just not… and wonder why the f@ck I can’t just apply this shit by week two of something? “I thought you were okay with it” and “This is on you sunshine” Synonymous. I stated my values, I didn’t get answers and I continued anyway. You can’t cheat your values and you can’t cheat the truth. This is on me. I allowed it. I will take some pride in having called it out though. At least I did that.

“He will miss you.” offers a friend. “You think?” I respond. I’m not convinced knowing there’s a catalogue of women to scroll through and endless supply of photos to swipe about. It’s what makes even the best of us seem dispensable. The notion that something better, something skinnier, something prettier, something more suited to our ego exists. It’s hard on the ego – rejection. Deluding ourselves to think that someone will regret their decision to pass us up. That’s dangerous.

I entertained the “He will miss you” last night. What does that lead to? That leads to checking your phone in the morning to see if they’ve texted seeing the error of their ways. It leads to playing that movie in your head that he’ll show up somewhere unexpected and beg you for another shot. Great how Hollywood has lead us to fantasize about being stalked. Haha!

It causes reflection on how you came to be confused. The daily texts and phone calls. The hours of advice offered. The sex. The little spark of magic that happened Christmas Day when I was told my actions made his daughter a believer. This one as a romantic, had I been feeling as low as he professes,this moment, if it were me, this would make me fall for someone. This would be a moment for me. A moment that tells me this person cares for me and a moment that says, if I let this person in, they will add beauty to mine and my children’s lives. This one has potential.

If I was feeling low this would raise me up. I didn’t expect anything in return. That flooded my heart when he told me his daughter’s statement over the phone. Then the gift waiting on my doorstep. I can see how I should have known where I stood. I can see how my confusion should have been met with indignation. Enter sarcasm here.

Happy New Year” he texts. My heart sank to my stomach. Serious gut punch. And here we are day 2.

What does Day 2 bring? Some tears, yes. The movie plays a little but briefly. Day 2 brings resolve. I’ve made a pact with an already super fit friend to bust my ass at 9 Rounds and with Beachbody products. I am not letting myself down. I want to feel good in my own skin. I don’t want to be the girl who is down on herself when rejected thinking stupid shit like if only I was 15 pounds lighter. It’s not about being superficial. It’s about showing up for myself, reaching goals and being confident in myself. Selfcare is necessary. Self love. I’m not going to work to be a version of a bikini model. I’m going to push myself to see what I can attain.

I’m going to make a vision board. I’m going to practice daily gratitude.

I’m going to laugh, I’m going to soak in my friends and family and one day I’m going to love and be loved.

As an Oprah follower, she once did a program on willing things into your life. If you put it out in the universe, it will come to you. This was applied to writing down every detail of the man you will meet. Right down to the socks they’ll be wearing. I’ll be a little more general.

I want health, I will live a healthy lifestyle, I want financial stability, fitness, laughter and love.

If we talk romantic love. I want him to be authentic, tall, hardworking, selfless, handy, funny, family oriented, good relationship with family, friends, interests outside of me the girlfriend, smart, beautiful smile, self aware, kind, compassionate, and romantic. I want someone who will tell me on the daily they are grateful for me. Tomorrow is not promised and if we care for someone they need to know.

I don’t think an authentic “you’re beautiful” or a daily I love you loses its value ever. I vowed to do this with my children and if and I when I choose to fall in love again, that person will know it on the daily. They may hear it every time I leave them, even if several times in one day because life can change on a dime.

If you’re reading this friend or family. You’re in my life. I’ve let you in, in some capacity I love you. xo

The quote that I lead with. I will make sure to check in with myself at the start of every month “Do you want to save the changes?” I will celebrate what I can apply a yes to and reflect on anything that sparks a no.

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