Feeling is healing…

August 2017, I was a bitter and empty version of myself. No one else would know that, unless you count the time I tried to karaoke the song Torn with my fellow Golden Girls and couldn’t get past the second line without bawling. Apathy permeated my body in a way I thought impossible. I ‘bumbled’ my way through August entertaining communications that would make feminists around the world riot. I came across a good but lost soul who chases the past, choosing to see a fragile girl lead astray by a six-pack, who needs saving – instead of an arsonist who willfully set his life a blaze with heartache and deception. I see something there. I can’t define it. What I see and what is are not equivalent…

Being ambushed on Friday by my son’s anger, rattled my cage. I have learned my lessons!!! I take time to read The Secret on my long bus ride in to work and reflect on a plethora of non-committal statements made over the last several days. I feel like a sports journalist interviewing hockey players between periods. I’m speaking plain English and the player spews a bunch of words that leave you scratching your head. Thought bubble reading “WTF!?!?”.

All I’m asking is if the next four months will lead to standing in the exact same spot? If the answer is absolutely yes then I choose no. I am not someone who chooses stagnation. I choose healing. I choose an improved version of myself. I’m on a road to healing and no part of my life can be left to consciously stagnate. Why would I choose to park on the side of the road and wait for something that may never pass by? No, I’m merging with traffic and forging ahead. What’s meant to be will be.

I want to heal, it means that I can only accept that which adds to my life. There are only so many hours in the day and my energy supply is limited. I will focus on my goals for 2018, positive thinking, gratitude and a willingness to push outside of my comfort zone. Try new things and socialize. I will find creativity in the silent moments instead of filling the silence with self-defeating overthinking. I will leave the analysis for working hours. Anyone who decides to join me and work for positive change and happy memories is invited to carpool on a positive journey.

I used math today to help a colleague fight fear and audition for a local choir. He came in ready to back out. Why? All you ever want to do is sing? Enter excuses about time. All excuses and indecision are rooted in fear and self-doubt. I used math in real life and it was inspiring. My 15 year old self would never believe it. Math was my enemy and today it was my super power.

We can’t wait for others to make decisions. We can decide what something is even if another person cannot. We move forward, maybe some day they meet us where we’re at and maybe status quo prevails? Who knows? In the meantime, I’m moving forward with my eye on healing and laughter….