Breathe…

“Remember to breathe” says the Ninja at the HIIT kickboxing gym that I go to. “Sometimes people are so busy throwing punches they forget to breathe”. Yes.

Remember to breathe, to 5-4-3-2-1, to tell your brain to simmer down.

And we are back here. I have made some poor choices in individuals. I have stayed to prove that I am a good girlfriend, a good human. I have been swept up in the love bombing and soul destroying drama of a sociopath. I have settled for the guy I thought was safe and reliable. Yes, I settled for the last guy, thinking the butterflies would come. The only butterflies he gave me were the sick kind in the end.

The last one has left me healing and battling fear like no other when it comes to the opposite sex. My main goal right now is to heal and to find myself. It’s plausible, I haven’t truly known myself and seen myself as I truly am. I know I’m a good person, I know I can be funny, kinder than most, smarter than some. I’m a good parent by my own standards. I acknowledge these things. I have a tendency to anxiety, perfectionism, procrastination and my house is not in order.

You know you’re not loving yourself, when you spend an intimate moment with someone and the first thing you do when you get home is google mommy makeover before and afters with a local plastic surgeon.

I am in recovery. I have spent over a decade of my life being told I’m not good enough in one way or another. I have dealt with selfish, self-absorbed, immature, damaged people who have imposed their damage on me. I allowed some of them to do so, simply because I did not know myself. I had not dated. I had been sheltered from the reality that some people just aren’t good. That I never have to prove my worth to someone.

My worth…

I bet if I answered that question without the tail end, it would not occur to me to put myself on a list of all of the things I love. It’s an interesting question.

I know my worth. I experience happiness daily and I approach everything I do with love. Sometimes I worry about things, sometimes I overthink things. Sometimes I am afraid and anxiety girl comes to play.

I’m open to finding someone. To dating. I do not think it is negative to reflect on those we invite into our world. To ask ourselves what they add. A happy and fulfilling life is not attained by walking thoughtlessly through our days. Mindfulness and living an authentic life are every bit as important as letting loose and being adventurous. After everything, I’ve been through, my brain is my biggest ally because my heart clearly has no clue what the fuck it’s doing!

I will not apologize for thinking this time.