Tag Archives: disappointment

Call me indispensable…

I logged in to a match.com account yesterday, I don’t know why. Curiosity, boredom, intuition? I created the profile when a friend called me over to drink wine and create her own profile. I created it because hers was glitching so we were testing whether it was Match, wifi or whatever. I didn’t delete it.

I swiped right and left, feeling nauseous as I lingered in the place where people have become dispensable, where I have been dispensable. Throw them in a no pile or a yes pile. Go on a date all the while thinking Mr. Rightnow should be nookin4nub instead. Dispense and on to the next one.

So, I come to a profile, a “match”…clearly a first responder. When I click on it, a “More like this:” section appears. First profile up: firefighter. “Online now”. This is why I signed in. Intuition. The universe rattling my cage saying “End this, you deserve so much more than this! WTF are you doing girl?”

I’ve spent hours being a therapist, listening to someone pine for an ex who has already moved on. I’m happy to help, to listen, to be a shoulder. However, when you figure out someone is still in love with someone who still exists here among us, you have to remove yourself from the equation. Hours of being weighted down when I’m trying to live lightly and purely. I’m no runner up, I’m not here to compete with anyone else, I’m not some interim girl and I’m certainly not here to convince anyone of my worth. I will not do that ever again. I will not spend energy defending my worth and value.

I’ve only ever discovered heartache in online dating. Sociopaths, narcissists, and the awesomely unavailable or unattainable perhaps. God, I hope when I find him it’s at the grocery store, dentist’s office, gym or coffee shop. I have zero faith in the online world.

Four weeks after leaving the relationship, the narcissist was back on POF. It’s not a good feeling being dispensable to others.

Get back in the corner faith, you’re better off there for now. I’ll replace your blanket of fear with romantic love. That way, when it’s time, when you rejoin the other components of my heart, maybe I’ll feel the magic again and feel it’s real.

Until then…self-care and teenagers. That’s where my energy belongs.

Simplify


The post below is what I intended to post  last Thursday evening or Friday morning, things changed and it didn’t get finished.

Ok, so who was I kidding? Me, a calm mind??? Lets all pause to laugh for a moment….

If there were an award for analysis paralysis, I would be a top contender. Not really something that makes me burst with pride. Sometimes, I think it would be so much easier to have a simple mind, to be ignorant, to care less…. I would just be happy all the time because I wouldn’t know the difference. I wouldn’t question. I would simply exist in simplicity.

Oversimplification…

….a sociopath thing and basic jerk thing. I can’t remember what prompted this in the car on the way to work. Something on the radio but it escapes me. I do, however, know the “train of thought” it provoked though…

I think people oversimplify significant life experiences for two reasons:

1. Deceit. They are knowingly hiding facts or omitting pieces of the puzzle about themselves that if you knew, would lead you in another direction. They are lying, covering things up, minimizing a situation avoiding accountability. Sweeping it under the rug. Oversimplifying… These people need a good shaking. They need someone to call their bs out! This was the way of the sociopath.

“I don’t know why we broke up, it came out of the blue.” “She’s simply crazy!” “I have a restraining order but it was a misunderstanding because she is bitter.” “I don’t know why….”

2. Fear. They would rather avoid telling it like it is because they fear connecting with the reality of life events; facts or how it actually is. They fear judgement. They fear what “appears to be weakness”. These are the “I’m fine.” “No big deal” “All good” “I’m okay” when the reality is they are not fine, they are not okay and it is not all good. They are not bad people. They are simply trying to survive, right now. They need someone to take them by the hand and say let it out lovey, I will not judge, I get it. Here’s my shoulder lean on it, that’s what it’s for…. ****Ironically this would apply to the Thursday night emergency.

A person of simple mind and heart would take these things at face value but the intuitve and caring mind and heart will simply not let it rest …

Yep, I’m a weirdo, this is the stuff I think about during my morning commute. This is part of why I am always so tired…. I think like this and then I see a Dodge Charger and then I think why am I driving this Nissan and not that machine? I visualize the Charger with a hemi in gun metal with killer wheels and then I go to lalaland a bit. Guys at work were recently talking about how in Vegas you can take fast cars out for a drive. I day dream about this a bit and then I get to work. Thought bubbles, that’s how I roll…

Idealization and Glorification

The way of the dreamer. Guilty! I have been a dreamer from birth. My parents were informed of this by my grade 1 teacher, who was no stranger to smacking a meterstick down on my desk to bring me back to Earth. I was also excruciatingly shy – these actions were a bit traumatic. She is always “dans la lune”; daydreaming. I am a dreamer, you’ll get no apology from me on that. It does; however, complicate my life at times because it makes things unecessarily hard or difficult to let go of.

I have been in a state of torment in two aspects of my life lately. My career is the first. I have spent 18 months going to an organization that on a Hollywood level has a sense of glamour and adventure. I have entered the building for this organization and been swept away. I allowed myself to dream, I placed the organization on a pedestal and glorified it to the highest degree. It’s all I wanted and they picked me. They said “We want you, sign here.” And I panicked. I questioned. I freaked out because another department turned around and said the same thing. What do I do, choose the dream or choose the true fit, the right fit, the “sure thing”? It’s about want and need again. I need a place that I know will allow me to see myself again, that will allow me to grow. A place that is safe and full of like minded people. When we glorify something, we will surely be let down. We make it difficult to see the beauty in other things because it has been so idealized we feel nothing can compare. My worth will not be rediscovered in the ideal, it will be found in collaborating with like minded people, creativity, opportunities to grow and in the support of people who see what I have to offer them within an hour of speaking with me when I don’t yet see it myself. That’s what I need.

I had glorified this other job opportunity to such a high level that this morning I actually felt like we were “breaking up”. A wise person has convinced me to take pride in the fact that under such scrutiny and high standards they did choose me but just because they chose me, doesn’t mean I need to choose them. It is not what I need and after everything I have been through the last couple of years, I would not survive the let down… I simply would not… The journey not the destination, right?

The other aspect of my life… That’s for another day… I’m just trying to stay grounded and take it day by day… Time will give me what I need there… Timing…

imageGlamourization…

I don’t know what was going to go here.

Decisions…

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