Tag Archives: fatigue

Heavy

So tonight I rest my weary head with tears… Not for others tonight, not empathy… Selfish tears I suppose…

I read something heart wrenching this morning and as a mother, my heart dropped to my stomach and stayed there  for a couple hours…

But that’s not what’s doing it tonight…my tears are self-related…

I’m a single mother of three children, I have my children every day and night of the month with the exception of 4 days. It’s been this way for 8 years… I am crying tonight because I am realizing that I may just be undateable.

Most divorced people  have fifty-fifty custody. Each parent has equal amounts of “free” time to explore life and their own interests. It’s easier to find someone when you know you’ll have a whole week together or your weekends coincide.

This is not my reality and  the alternative for me is having my children go to a home where they will be miserable, where they are second class citizens whose needs and feelings are secondary. A home where they are afraid to express themselves. A home where they are yelled at for the most inconsequential things. That is not a viable alternative.

My priority in this lifetime is my children’s well-being. Their happiness. I could be selfish, I could go along with my ex husband’s request for shared custody. I too would have free time, maybe I’d actually find that all-star, my Rock. Maybe… ,

This weekend I will be compiling documentation to request that my ex take our children less. Will that happen? I don’t know…will I become entirely undateable…is that totally accurate, undateable? Probably not, my kids are older and only getting older. This can be managed. I think I can still have a life…

My ex husband is remarried, he has the time to invest. He met his new wife and within three months they moved in. Why? Because they spent those entire three months together and figuring it out. Three months after that they were engaged and then a year after that married. They have all the time in the world to be a couple and just be with eachother. They go to Jamaica or Cuba every year and generally live the life of Riley…

So where does that leave me tonight…feeling a little blue….

Who wants the amazing girl you can’t see, hold, make love to when you want… When you’re at home with free time and she can’t be there… I don’t know… I’d say be patient…its temporary…

I never pictured myself going to bed at 40    without someone’s chest to rest my head upon. I never pictured coming home every night and doing all of this on my own. It just never occurred to me, I’d be here… I was with my ex husband from the time I was 16. I never dated. I hate dating, I never had to do it. Clearly I haven’t been the greatest at it…

Tonight I fell asleep on the couch watching Halloween Wars, with one twin snuggled in on either side of me. A cat on my chest and another in between our legs. These moments are nice and comforting.

I woke up to texting with Tania and talking about wanting what is not available. Wanting to be somewhere you can’t be… Timing …

I long for the day that I tuck myself in to bed with the arms of a good man open and waiting for me to settle in. One beautiful person connected to another… These things can’t be rushed. I can’t rush it ever again. I just can’t…

This is not easy…I’m not easy to date…I think I’m worth the wait….dating is temporary once you find the right fit…patience… I’m sad that I’m here… This sadness is temporary too, this is not my first night feeling this way and I’m confident that eventually nights like this won’t exist but I’m tired too and it’s not helping things…

I’m a girl, I’ve been raised on fairytales… I’m a fool for romance but for now I just need to be content in these arms…



 

image

Always alright…

Muah 💋

The Calm Ignites the Storm

No, no typo in the title, I know it is typically “the calm before the storm”. Once you’ve dated a sociopath, nothing is typical anymore. Realizing you are calm after a hectic day initiates some self-reflection and then the crocodile tears that refuse to be contained… “Why am I struck like lightning about the realization that I am calm right now?” This feeling comes as I am describing to my mother, a hectic morning, as mornings typically are being a single working parent of three children (any parent really)… I tell her that my son missed his bus and I ended up having to drive him and then I say but I’m over it, what can ya do, I’m calm and those words are an epiphany – I’m calm. Life wasn’t perfect today but I’m calm. Most people will think “Yeah kids miss the bus, big deal, you should be over it!” but 8 months ago, instead of typing this, I would have been dealing with the Sociopath and he would have had me carry my inconsequential and in all likelihood common to most households morning to bed – fuelling me to believe that my children were bad and had no respect for me – ranting on about how I (me) can’t have failure in the mornings and ultimately creating chaos and struggle out of a really mundane thing. Further, I should be grateful for his abuse masked as concern and that this was ‘love’.
 My beautiful angels…I’m sorry.
The chaos…he loved the chaos – he thrived in chaos and trying to ruin everything that was beautiful in my life. Everything that made me sparkle and shine, he wanted to destroy it to boost his already inflated ego. The narcissist needed to control my sparkle, actively dulling it and then rebuilding it with lies as if he were the one who cared for me the most and successfully convincing me of this for a while. I’m not a huge fan of roller coasters and this would be my least favourite of them all.
Five months and this stuff still creeps into my mind and affects me. I think I’m good and then boom comes that Mac truck!
This moment in my life, an average convo most 40 year olds likely have with friends and family is not atypical in the aftermath of a relationship with a sociopath. A song, a phrase, a card you thought you had tossed and the shitstorm that is heartache ensues. The disappointment, the tears, the bewilderment abounds….I don’t understand it…never will. Being calm didn’t upset me – realizing it was the first time I was connected to calm in 2 years upset me…
Dry your eyes and sleep….one of three perfect little souls crawls in beside me in the night and then comes glorious sleep.
6am – I turn to Jillian Michaels for an ass whooping to undo the weight gain and build the deflated muscle that now exists on this shell, in the wake of near complete destruction and emotional ruin. Hard to believe that two years ago I could walk in to a clothing store grab what I wanted and never try it on, I was boxing and completing Olympic style deadlifts, I registered for Spartan and Prison Break – I was empowered and ready to take anything on. This wasn’t in my plan…
M and Ms, Smarties :), ginger molasses cookies, Timmies, pizza, pop, chai lattes – I figure my body is now 90% fat from these yummy treats and 10% tears waiting to bubble out without warning. My food buddies. Triggers of happy childhood memories and Christmas (Chai), I love Christmas… Indulgence is not what I need…
Bye little chocolate buddies…… 10k I’m coming for you!
24 year old self, I’m coming for pieces of you too! <3 I loved your sparkle and spunk. I miss you 🙂
Love is stronger than hate. Muscle has to be damaged to be strengthened through self-repair. The heart is a muscle…
“So, what made you think you could take a life
And just push it, push it around
I guess to build yourself up so high
You had to take her and break her down”Read more:  Keith Urban – Stupid Boy Lyrics | MetroLyrics

Always Alright….
Muah 😉
Check out these blogs:
datingasociopath.com It may be helpful if you’ve survived loving a sociopath. I spent 3 months reading this blog every night over and over and over.
themanblog.ca True love exists and although there is grief here it is about real and undying love. This helps me feel in a different way and feel hopeful that ‘it’ can be found…somewhere with someone beautiful inside and out…I choose to see the love story in both the pictures and the words – romantic love, motherly love, love of life.  Everyone should be so lucky to find a love like this, to have a beautiful Evelyn light up their soul. It’s heart wrenching but there’s beauty all over these pages.