Tag Archives: friends with benefits

Call me indispensable…

I logged in to a match.com account yesterday, I don’t know why. Curiosity, boredom, intuition? I created the profile when a friend called me over to drink wine and create her own profile. I created it because hers was glitching so we were testing whether it was Match, wifi or whatever. I didn’t delete it.

I swiped right and left, feeling nauseous as I lingered in the place where people have become dispensable, where I have been dispensable. Throw them in a no pile or a yes pile. Go on a date all the while thinking Mr. Rightnow should be nookin4nub instead. Dispense and on to the next one.

So, I come to a profile, a “match”…clearly a first responder. When I click on it, a “More like this:” section appears. First profile up: firefighter. “Online now”. This is why I signed in. Intuition. The universe rattling my cage saying “End this, you deserve so much more than this! WTF are you doing girl?”

I’ve spent hours being a therapist, listening to someone pine for an ex who has already moved on. I’m happy to help, to listen, to be a shoulder. However, when you figure out someone is still in love with someone who still exists here among us, you have to remove yourself from the equation. Hours of being weighted down when I’m trying to live lightly and purely. I’m no runner up, I’m not here to compete with anyone else, I’m not some interim girl and I’m certainly not here to convince anyone of my worth. I will not do that ever again. I will not spend energy defending my worth and value.

I’ve only ever discovered heartache in online dating. Sociopaths, narcissists, and the awesomely unavailable or unattainable perhaps. God, I hope when I find him it’s at the grocery store, dentist’s office, gym or coffee shop. I have zero faith in the online world.

Four weeks after leaving the relationship, the narcissist was back on POF. It’s not a good feeling being dispensable to others.

Get back in the corner faith, you’re better off there for now. I’ll replace your blanket of fear with romantic love. That way, when it’s time, when you rejoin the other components of my heart, maybe I’ll feel the magic again and feel it’s real.

Until then…self-care and teenagers. That’s where my energy belongs.

Feel no feelings

This little mantra was offered to me at my last hair appointment as the topic of some of us women being too nice, too understanding, too caretaking aka codependent doormats of sorts was being discussed. Instead of attracting wonderful human beings into our lives, we attract the toxic and narcissistic. Why? Because we are so accommodating as to forgive peoples flaws to the point of not recognizing ourselves and our own needs. 

It’s okay to be a caretaker, it’s certainly necessary to be nice in this life. It is, however, not our responsibility to take on other people’s problems, needs, wants while losing ourselves in the process. To this I said “Why can’t I just be a hard ass?” Enter the mantra “Feel no feelings”. 

I don’t know how much I can actually subscribe to such a statement. It’s the polar opposite of how I’ve existed my entire life. 

I think it is more a matter of being the nice girl with boundaries. Knowing when to say no, knowing how to be there for people without actually taking on their life too. Finding compassion without becoming codependent. If we have to become someone else to be loved by another then we are with the wrong person. 

I don’t want to feel no feelings. I want to experience the joy in my kids, friends and colleagues. When it comes to the opposite sex, I’m not in a place to have feelings right now.  My heart just won’t allow it. In that regard, I’m out of commission. So I can heal, I guess and it seems to be out of my control at this point. I just can’t… Flowers, flash mobs or a scene from Say Anything will leave me indifferent… I haven’t been here before. Apathy towards romantic gestures. I haven’t figured out what that means yet or how that changes. 

I followed the advice of a friend who’s way less doormat – like than me. Went on Bumble to find, I don’t know what… Turns out Bumble is Tinder… Is this where it’s at? I have to resort to becoming Tinder trash?

I swipe right on a firefighter. I’m not impressed by this because I know all too well the uniform doesn’t make the man. My ex-husband is a firefighter. I swipe right because there’s an endearing smile there and I’m willing to test if I can be “that girl”. Why? Apathy. I don’t have to care – it’s the underlying premise of a meat market right? To not care and just be basic. Ugh.

“What are you looking for on here?” I ask.  “Friends with benefits, I guess, see what happens?” says the firefighter. Okay – let’s do this. My friends are like KayKay this is not you. Are you sure you can handle this? Of course, I can, I’m numb – I truly don’t care, about as much as this guy probably doesn’t care either. I try to convince them and myself that I can be this person. I lie to them and lie to myself. 

I’m going in to this carrying an extra 20+ lbs that messes with my head daily.  I want to just go hardcore on the workouts and running but I have a disc that’s ready to explode if I afford it the conditions to do that. So, when I push, it bitch slaps me back to reality and slows me down. Ten of these miserable pounds I want to lose are directly related to that disc. It took running from me and paved the way to a silent suffering and depression which lead me to good old friends: wine and jujubes. I ate my feelings because I’m KayKay. I don’t whine. I put on a brave face – so as not to bring other people down or make them worry. Instead, I eat my emotions. This time forgetting that I don’t have exercise to counteract the garbage going into my pie hole. Poof 15 lbs which I scaled back for Mexico 2017.   

After Mexico, brought a toxic home life that fired up my anxiety to the point where I entered work with some low level PTSD. Trembling and consumed by confusion and self doubt. I can’t destroy these feelings through exercises and they’re exhausting me. I turn to food.

So, I’m entering this FWB situation not loving myself too much which kind of takes away from the whole sexy experience it’s supposed to be…

Not to mention firefighter is a big teddy bear who is still not over his ex. I spend a lot of my time playing therapist. Fine but that’s where the codependent begins. I’m trying to heal myself right now, I can’t afford to take this on…

I realize last night as I’m playing therapist again. That I choose to cross boundaries for this person and keep others at bay because this guy is not available. He is no threat to me. And so this morning, I recognize that I need to distance myself from that… Soon…

I realize I’m now going to therapy tomorrow not to deal with all the disastrous relationships I’ve experienced and the why. I’m going to find out how to love myself, I’m not sure I ever truly have…