I logged in to a match.com account yesterday, I don’t know why. Curiosity, boredom, intuition? I created the profile when a friend called me over to drink wine and create her own profile. I created it because hers was glitching so we were testing whether it was Match, wifi or whatever. I didn’t delete it.
I swiped right and left, feeling nauseous as I lingered in the place where people have become dispensable, where I have been dispensable. Throw them in a no pile or a yes pile. Go on a date all the while thinking Mr. Rightnow should be nookin4nub instead. Dispense and on to the next one.
So, I come to a profile, a “match”…clearly a first responder. When I click on it, a “More like this:” section appears. First profile up: firefighter. “Online now”. This is why I signed in. Intuition. The universe rattling my cage saying “End this, you deserve so much more than this! WTF are you doing girl?”
I’ve spent hours being a therapist, listening to someone pine for an ex who has already moved on. I’m happy to help, to listen, to be a shoulder. However, when you figure out someone is still in love with someone who still exists here among us, you have to remove yourself from the equation. Hours of being weighted down when I’m trying to live lightly and purely. I’m no runner up, I’m not here to compete with anyone else, I’m not some interim girl and I’m certainly not here to convince anyone of my worth. I will not do that ever again. I will not spend energy defending my worth and value.
I’ve only ever discovered heartache in online dating. Sociopaths, narcissists, and the awesomely unavailable or unattainable perhaps. God, I hope when I find him it’s at the grocery store, dentist’s office, gym or coffee shop. I have zero faith in the online world.
Four weeks after leaving the relationship, the narcissist was back on POF. It’s not a good feeling being dispensable to others.
Get back in the corner faith, you’re better off there for now. I’ll replace your blanket of fear with romantic love. That way, when it’s time, when you rejoin the other components of my heart, maybe I’ll feel the magic again and feel it’s real.
Until then…self-care and teenagers. That’s where my energy belongs.
Awww Tweety bird you find some good quotes. Every quote by the author above is beautifully human. The word selection is great, he is an amazing writer because his words resonate within one’s soul. Beautiful. My blog was simply going to be this quote without my random jibber jabber.
I believe everyone we meet has a purpose for us. I’ve likely covered this before. I firmly believe this which is why I will entertain the random strangers who strike up a conversation with me while I am out and about. Whether they come in to your life for a few seconds, minutes, years, decades or a life time it is not coincidence…stop, connect, listen…there may be something to learn. I find random people tend to strike conversations when I am feeling low or introspective, wondering about the meaning of it all. And then, someone will strike a conversation or be extra courteous giving me their place in line or compliment me unexpectedly when I’m feeling like a$$ or give me an opportunity to help them even if only to grab the 1L of chocolate milk that is too high for them to reach. Then I realize it’s about connecting, growing and simply being kind to one another even when some of those among us will not subscribe to the golden rule. We never know what struggles a person is facing and a simple acknowledgement or smile can make a profound difference in someone’s day. I know it can. It does for me. It has when I’ve needed it most, it comes…
I remember a couple of years ago, after a break up wherein I really thought I had met my soulmate – My Rock- and it turned out he was just a boy still finding his way. I had just been in my current home almost a year, I was feeling at a low point in my life, I was being harassed at work and watching others be harassed, this guy decides the bachelor life is for him…ugh. I was feeling low. I was a “walker” from TWD. I was fully in the meaning of life mode, the thought bubbles were emerging hard and heavy and thick.
I took the kids to A&W for supper one night during this time. Tired and worn out from it all. The lack of direction…tired of the same set of directions. “Turn back you’re going the wrong way!” … So as I am standing in line, this man gets up from his seat and proceeds to give me a huge hug. He explains this is what he does because he knows it will make people smile and I don’t remember all that was said. I remember that I had the proverbial towel in my hand that day and I was ready to throw it in hard. But then came the hug and the business card to go with it. Thank you Guy Castonguay. Thank you for that direction. I still have his business card and a hug coupon. When I’m feeling blah I will likely come across it in my nightstand just when I’ve had enough time to forget and need reminding of my direction and why we’re here.
I rummaged through my nightstand to find the coupons and realize I am a hoarder lol. It’s amazing to me how you can pull out snapshots of your life from a drawer, a box or a purse. I find the coupon among these other things…I love the crazy picture of my kids captured on a 2013 Christmas card. I want to remember those times always. A love note from Abs… Aww
This is the guy, Guy. This was a route changing hug for me. A fight song if you will… 💓 This man turned me around and said wake up sunshine keep going just by giving me a hug.
Some people come in to our lives with directions, some leave the pursuit of unanswered questions as a direction, some point us back the right way, some are lampposts at a point in time shining a light on the path that has gotten too dark or shining a light on us so that we might see something in ourselves or an answer we’ve been seeking.
I’m holding out for the person without directions and maybe they’ve already presented themselves, they just may have and that realization will come sooner rather than later.
I will always believe in a random smile or a hug. Do it ! You may be sending someone in the right direction today!!!
I have so much gratitude today. So much love to give.
It’s a mommy weekend! Heading out with my single mommy neighbours to Joey Lansdowne tonight. Lord help me…. I’ve got the taxi on speed dial in case shit gets crazy! Nothing can beat last night but lets see what these crazy mommies have in store…
Love this song it is cute!
Never look back you’re not going that way!!!
Unless you’re looking this way…then in the words of Joey Tribbiani “How you doin’?”