I spent last weekend immersed in movies and retail therapy.
Southpaw which was emotional and made me want to strap on my boxing gloves and pound the heck out of something. It has my son wanting to join a boxing club. Who’s inspired this, the movie and his mother!!!! Sorry, I’m being a “martyr Saint”.
Inside Out. Great movie! I laughed out loud a lot. I loved Disgust she cracked me up. My mom says “Hey it’s Abbie!” That went over well. Payton was Joy. I would Fear right now. Bottom line, true joy cannot exist in the absence of sadness. They both need to exist in balance. Good movie, will watch again. 🙂
Love Story with Ryan Oneill and Ali McGraw. It’s sweet and tragic. My son comes in part way when Oliver and Jenny meet at the door as he returns from receiving the news. She asks Oliver what he sees and he says “I see you”. I’m like awww and then in chimes my son “Oh my God, what are they even talking about!?!? This movie is so stupid! It makes no sense” Then comes the scene where she is watching him skate, she is soaking him in, taking it all in knowing as the soul does what is coming. My son is like who does that? This is lame. I said some day you’ll be in love and stupid too. You’ll watch her eat her fries and think it is one of the great wonders of the world. He is like “No, I won’t. That’s so dumb” Ah man did I laugh.
Off to The Peanuts Movie… What it’s a love story too with Charlie Brown working through insecurities… Oh my… Sigh.
I have a conversation with a friend about another friend who is going through a tough time with their spouse being angry and abusive. It brings back feelings and memories of dark times and heartache here. It follows me like a little dark cloud. Alters my mood a bit as I go to spend time with someone and they can sense it. I shrug it off.
It’s never easy to leave someone and when they’ve broken your spirit you have to dig so deep to find that one ember of courage to ignite the decision to end it. To choose yourself and your journey. To choose happiness and peace.
Sending the women in my life strength and courage…. xo
This is the question every newly single likely asks themselves and it is an important question. Everyone in your life will have opinions on your readiness, many of these opinions will be prefaced with “You should…” At the end of the day only you can find the answer to this question. How do you know? I don’t have the answer. You need to be connected to yourself and trust your gut. Maybe a better question is why are you looking? What is drawing you to the dating world? If it’s solely to fill a void, to distract you from your disappointment or loss or just for comfort, then I would say you’re probably not ready.
I’ve been through a trauma. It’s a trauma to me because I am a genuinely good human being and because I move through everyday with genuinely good intentions. This tends to make ‘bad’ behaviour a little more shocking and bewildering to me. There are women who could have lived the same experience I just did, dusted themselves off and moved on without flinching.
I’ve learned a lot from my experience. I’ve learned that the first person I need to trust is myself. Trust my gut and stand by my principles and values. I’ve learned that the right person won’t ask me to ignore my values, my needs and if I need to take it slow, the right person will accept that and move at the same pace. I need someone in my life who is independent, who is busy with other things but wants to make time for me even if that time may be limited or we have to get creative. No one is meeting my children until I feel confident in them as a human being. That could mean 3-4 months of dating someone. I have my kids 95% of the time. There are other people in my life that want pieces of my limited time and the person that I date will have to be accepting of the fact that I will choose time with friends too. Developing a relationship will take time, having lives that completely converge will take significant time. My kids are rooting themselves here finally and it would take something of epic significance to make me even entertain the thought of changing that. Any man who’s in a rush to be exclusive or to have me permanently warm the empty space in their bed is not the one for me. I won’t be able to spend a Wednesday night at my man’s house because I have my children every weeknight and they are not of an age where I can or want to leave them overnight without back up. I’m certainly not calling in grandma for a mid-week booty call. I want more than that and it will be a challenge. Someone special will eventually rise to that challenge.
Am I ready? Ready as I can be. I am open… Am I terrified? Yes, I am terrified. Trust will be a hurdle for me. But that hurdle will be there if I postpone dating for another 6 months, 1 year, 5 years… I fear if I wait too long – fear will be all I have and it will paralyze me. My two cats will become 15 cats and I will be that lady… I don’t want to be that lady. I want to find my ‘person’, the first person I turn to when something great happens, when there’s an adventure to be taken… The person who wraps their arms around me and makes the world disappear for a while.
Yesterday, in my conversation with Ginger we talked about some self-realization as a byproduct of the sociopath. She said to me “Remember I sent you that email about knowing when you’re in a controlling relationship early on with the sociopath?” I was like yussss and I was in denial. It went on a bit… And landed on her saying “Do you think you think you can fix these guys or something?” No, I am not quite so naive and coincidentally a couple of weeks ago I had a realization of why I tend to tolerate horse shit for far too long. Other than being far too freaking nice… I was a teacher for 12 years. That was my passion. I was a good teacher. I believed in teaching students not subjects. Math was my subject but I was teaching children the subject, those kids learning was my focus not just the content of the course. That meant I needed to connect to each one of those kids, even the difficult ones. I needed to look for the potential, the ‘good’ sometimes, in every one of the children entering my world. That’s a good philosophy in the classroom, it made me an effective teacher. That philosophy doesn’t necessarily translate to the dating world. I realize this is what I was doing. I was always looking for the good in people who were showing me good was lacking. I was going for the underdog looking for the potential and banking on the one or two good things I saw. That’s all well and good in dealing with a 13 year old who is still figuring out who they are. For a 37, 47, 57 year old man, if you’re 95% a douchebag then you’re 95% a douchebag and the other 5% doesn’t really matter. I don’t want to fall in love with potential. I want the real deal. I am ready for the allstar baby! I don’t expect perfection – I want human. I just want a good man. I expect at 40 something we all have some shit being thrown on our plates. And I don’t mind being there to support somebody, to be leaned on a bit. But I am not going to take your plate and deal with what’s on it to my fatigue while you live the life of Riley. I’ll hold your plate for you temporarily if need be, if you’ll take mine sometimes. But you’re getting your plate back!! With a hug and a kiss of course 😉
I planned on this entry being concise but I digress…
I know some of what I have written seems like I am damaged beyond repair but it is not the intention nor is that accurate. What happened is a big deal. If anyone should happen upon this and see themselves reflected in a relationship with a sociopath and it helps them in some way, then it needs to be raw and real here for that to happen. I’m just trying to lighten my load. I still have residual feelings and I am terrified of the unknown but I won’t let fear take the wheel. It can take a back seat and eventually it can get the faak out of the car!
Every day I have colleagues who make me laugh, friends who warm my heart and children who give me a reason to be and keep me in touch with my inner goofball.
Things are good here. I’m ready to be connected! But I am in no rush for anything.
Sens exhibition game tonight. Off I go to find a Neil t-shirt 🙂 Happy Saturday!!