Tag Archives: love

Good grief


I spent last weekend immersed in movies and retail therapy.

Southpaw which was emotional and made me want to strap on my boxing gloves and pound the heck out of something. It has my son wanting to join a boxing club. Who’s inspired this, the movie and his mother!!!! Sorry, I’m being a “martyr Saint”.

Inside Out. Great movie! I laughed out loud a lot. I loved Disgust she cracked me up. My mom says “Hey it’s Abbie!” That went over well. Payton was Joy. I would Fear right now. Bottom line, true joy cannot exist in the absence of sadness. They both need to exist in balance. Good movie, will watch again. 🙂

Love Story with Ryan Oneill and Ali McGraw.  It’s sweet and tragic. My son comes in part way when Oliver and Jenny meet at the door as he returns from receiving the news. She asks Oliver what he sees and he says “I see you”. I’m like awww and then in chimes my son “Oh my God, what are they even talking about!?!? This movie is so stupid! It makes no sense” Then comes the scene where she is watching him skate, she is soaking him in, taking it all in knowing as the soul does what is coming. My son is like who does that? This is lame. I said some day you’ll be in love and stupid too. You’ll watch her eat her fries and think it is one of the great wonders of the world. He is like “No, I won’t. That’s so dumb”  Ah man did I laugh.

Off to The Peanuts Movie… What it’s a love story too with Charlie Brown working through insecurities… Oh my… Sigh.

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I have a conversation with a friend about another friend who is going through a tough time with their spouse being angry and abusive. It brings back feelings and memories of dark times and heartache here. It follows me like a little dark cloud. Alters my mood a bit as I go to spend time with someone and they can sense it. I shrug it off.

It’s never easy to leave someone and when they’ve broken your spirit you have to dig so deep to find that one ember of courage to ignite the decision to end it. To choose yourself and your journey. To choose happiness and peace.

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Sending the women in my life strength and courage…. xo

 

Direction…

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R.M. Drake
Awww Tweety bird you find some good quotes. Every quote by the author above is beautifully human. The word selection is great, he is an amazing writer because his words resonate within one’s soul. Beautiful. My blog was simply going to be this quote without my random jibber jabber.

I believe everyone we meet has a purpose for us. I’ve likely covered this before. I firmly believe this which is why I will entertain the random strangers who strike up a conversation with me while I am out and about. Whether they come in to your life for a few seconds, minutes, years, decades or a life time it is not coincidence…stop, connect, listen…there may be something to learn. I find random people tend to strike conversations when I am feeling low or introspective, wondering about the meaning of it all. And then, someone will strike a conversation or be extra courteous giving me their place in line or compliment me unexpectedly when I’m feeling like a$$ or give me an opportunity to help them even if only to grab the 1L of chocolate milk that is too high for them to reach. Then I realize it’s about connecting, growing and simply being kind to one another even when some of those among us will not subscribe to the golden rule. We never know what struggles a person is facing and a simple acknowledgement or smile can make a profound difference in someone’s day. I know it can. It does for me. It has when I’ve needed it most, it comes…

I remember a couple of years ago, after a break up wherein I really thought I had met my soulmate – My Rock- and it turned out he was just a boy still finding his way. I had just been in my current home almost a year, I was feeling at a low point in my life, I was being harassed at work and watching others be harassed, this guy decides the bachelor life is for him…ugh. I was feeling low. I was a “walker” from TWD. I was fully in the meaning of life mode, the thought bubbles were emerging hard and heavy and thick.

I took the kids to A&W for supper one night during this time. Tired and worn out from it all. The lack of direction…tired of the same set of directions. “Turn back you’re going the wrong way!” …   So as I am standing in line, this man gets up from his seat and proceeds to give me a huge hug. He explains this is what he does because he knows it will make people smile and I don’t remember all that was said. I remember that I had the proverbial towel in my hand that day and I was ready to throw it in hard. But then came the hug and the business card to go with it. Thank you Guy Castonguay. Thank you for that direction. I still have his business card and a hug coupon. When I’m feeling blah I will likely come across it in my nightstand just when I’ve had enough time to forget and need reminding of my direction and why we’re here.

I rummaged through my nightstand to find the coupons and realize I am a hoarder lol. It’s amazing to me how you can pull out snapshots of your life from a drawer, a box or a purse. I find the coupon among these other things…I love the crazy picture of my kids captured on a 2013 Christmas card. I want to remember those times always. A love note from Abs… Aww

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This is the guy, Guy. This was a route changing hug for me. A fight song if you will… 💓 This man turned me around and said wake up sunshine keep going just by giving me a hug.

Some people come in to our lives with directions, some leave the pursuit of unanswered questions as a direction, some point us back the right way, some are lampposts at a point in time shining a light on the path that has gotten too dark or shining a light on us so that we might see something in ourselves or an answer we’ve been seeking.

I’m holding out for the person without directions and maybe they’ve already presented themselves, they just may have and that realization will come sooner rather than later.

I will always believe in a random smile or a hug. Do it ! You may be sending someone in the right direction today!!!

I have so much gratitude today. So much love to give.

It’s a mommy weekend! Heading out with my single mommy neighbours to Joey Lansdowne tonight. Lord help me…. I’ve got the taxi on speed dial in case shit gets crazy! Nothing can beat last night but lets see what these crazy mommies have in store…

Love this song it is cute!

Never look back you’re not going that way!!!

Unless you’re looking this way…then in the words of Joey Tribbiani “How you doin’?”

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Bon weekend mes amis!!

Always Alright,

Muah 💋

Love and Fear

 

There are only two emotions: love and fear. All positive emotions come from love, all negative emotions from fear. From love flows happiness, contentment, peace, and joy. From fear comes anger, hate, anxiety and guilt. It’s true that there are only two primary emotions, love and fear. But it’s more accurate to say that there is only love or fear, for we cannot feel these two emotions together, at exactly the same time. They’re opposites. If we’re in fear, we are not in a place of love. When we’re in a place of love, we cannot be in a place of fear.
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

This quote has been on my mind a lot the last several days. I have been trying to figure out what the quote was during this time and then questioning why it has bubbled to the surface. I found the quote this morning along with the article quoted below. I recognize the name of the woman associated with the quote above but again am not sure why, so I Google her.  She was a psychiatrist whose expertise was in the psychology of death and dying and conversely living… The 5 stages of grief…this is the lady. I have a degree in psychology and in education, perhaps this has subconsciously bubbled to the surface.

I would have been introduced to this lady through two very memorable courses the psychology of death and dying and the psychology of aging. I remember the rooms I took the courses in, some of the teaching aids used…they were poignant courses for me. I have a friend making the very stressful decision to divorce and I start thinking about the list of stressful life events a prof put up in death and dying…I’m certain it is in the top five.

Again, I Google… Divorce is #2 on the list and #1 is Death of a spouse….  Here I thought this quote was bubbling up because of my own fears expressed on some level in this blog.But I’m struck by 1 and 2 on the list and see clearly that the last several days and even month these two very significant life events have been on my mind a lot. A lot! I’m a little freaked out about this discovery.  Coincidence? It’s freaky given my conversations with my friend, my reflection on my own divorce in order to try to impart wisdom and offer support and then there is the man blog which has been part of my reading every single day for a month… Weird. So I’m sharing all of this stuff this morning why? Honestly…I’m at a loss for a profound statement here but I share regardless.

The list of stressful life events and their order can be found at this link:

http://www.stress.org/holmes-rahe-stress-inventory/

As I search for the love and fear quote, I came across the article quoted below. It is a very, very interesting read….link to article follows quote…

“Numerous activities produce more oxytocin: meditation, yoga, exercise, massage, caring for a pet, joining a support group, worshiping, and so forth. Yet one of the most important avenues for decreasing stress and increasing levels of oxytocin lies in our intimate relationships. In Love & Survival, Dr. Dean Ornish points out that love and intimacy are such powerful determinants of health that if they were produced in pill form, doctors who failed to prescribe them for unhealthy patients would be guilty of malpractice.

Incidentally, one might wonder why we can’t just take oxytocin pills to increase levels of this helpful hormone. Unfortunately, oxytocin doesn’t cross the body’s “blood/brain barrier,” except in the form of nasal sprays. However, long-term administration of oxytocin via spray has resulted in amnesia, hallucinations and imbalances in electrolytes and hormones. To gain its benefits, we must either produce it naturally in the brain (or have it injected with great precision into a tiny area of the brain using special equipment…not terribly practical).

Oxytocin has been nicknamed the “bonding hormone” and the “cuddle hormone.” We produce it naturally when we love, are loved, nurture another, give selflessly, or engage in affectionate touch. It is not the neurochemical behind lust or burning sexual desire, although it is associated with sexual responsiveness.”

http://www.entelechyjournal.com/robinsonwilson.htm

There it is for whatever purpose…. Now finally unloaded from the forefront of my mind!

Always Alright,

Muah 💋

 

Am I ready?

 

This is the question every newly single likely asks themselves and it is an important question. Everyone in your life will have opinions on your readiness, many of these opinions will be prefaced with “You should…” At the end of the day only you can find the answer to this question. How do you know? I don’t have the answer. You need to be connected to yourself and trust your gut. Maybe a better question is why are you looking? What is drawing you to the dating world? If it’s solely to fill a void, to distract you from your disappointment or loss or just for comfort, then I would say you’re probably not ready.

I’ve been through a trauma. It’s a trauma to me because I am a genuinely good human being and because I move through everyday with genuinely good intentions. This tends to make ‘bad’ behaviour a little more shocking and bewildering to me. There are women who could have lived the same experience I just did,  dusted themselves off and moved on without flinching.

I’ve learned a lot from my experience. I’ve learned that the first person I need to trust is myself. Trust my gut and stand by my principles and values. I’ve learned that the right person won’t ask me to ignore my values, my needs and if I need to take it slow, the right person will accept that and move at the same pace. I need someone in my life who is independent, who is busy with other things but wants to make time for me even if that time may be limited or we have to get creative. No one is meeting my children until I feel confident in them as a human being. That could mean 3-4 months of dating someone. I have my kids 95% of the time. There are other people in my life that want pieces of my limited time and the person that I date will have to be accepting of the fact that I will choose time with friends too. Developing a relationship will take time, having lives that completely converge will take significant time. My kids are rooting themselves here finally and it would take something of epic significance to make me even entertain the thought of changing that. Any man who’s in a rush to be exclusive or to have me permanently warm the empty space in their bed is not the one for me. I won’t be able to spend a Wednesday night at my man’s house because I have my children every weeknight and they are not of an age where I can or want to leave them overnight without back up. I’m certainly not calling in grandma for a mid-week booty call. I want more than that and it will be a challenge. Someone special will eventually rise to that challenge.

Am I ready?  Ready as I can be. I am open… Am I terrified? Yes, I am terrified. Trust will be a hurdle for me. But that hurdle will be there if I postpone dating for another 6 months, 1 year, 5 years… I fear if I wait too long – fear will be all I have and it will paralyze me. My two cats will become 15 cats and I will be that lady… I don’t want to be that lady. I want to find my ‘person’, the first person I turn to when something great happens, when there’s an adventure to be taken… The person who wraps their arms around me and makes the world disappear for a while.

Yesterday, in my conversation with Ginger we talked about some self-realization as a byproduct of the sociopath. She said to me “Remember I sent you that email about knowing when you’re in a controlling relationship early on with the sociopath?” I was like yussss and I was in denial. It went on a bit… And landed on her saying “Do you think you think you can fix these guys or something?” No, I am not quite so naive and coincidentally a couple of weeks ago I had a realization of why I tend to tolerate horse shit for far too long. Other than being far too freaking nice… I was a teacher for 12 years. That was my passion. I was a good teacher. I believed in teaching students not subjects. Math was my subject but I was teaching children the subject, those kids learning was my focus not just the content of the course. That meant I needed to connect to each one of those kids, even the difficult ones. I needed to look for the potential, the ‘good’ sometimes, in every one of the children entering my world. That’s a good philosophy in the classroom, it made me an effective teacher. That philosophy doesn’t necessarily translate to the dating world. I realize this is what I was doing. I was always looking for the good in people who were showing me good was lacking. I was going for the underdog looking for the potential and banking on the one or two good things I saw. That’s all well and good in dealing with a 13 year old who is still figuring out who they are. For a 37, 47, 57 year old man, if you’re 95% a douchebag then you’re 95% a douchebag and the other 5% doesn’t really matter. I don’t want to fall in love with potential. I want the real deal. I am ready for the allstar baby! I don’t expect perfection – I want human. I just want a good man. I expect at 40 something we all have some shit being thrown on our plates. And I don’t mind being there to support somebody, to be leaned on a bit. But I am not going to take your plate and deal with what’s on it to my fatigue while you live the life of Riley. I’ll hold your plate for you temporarily if need be, if you’ll take mine sometimes. But you’re getting your plate back!! With a hug and a kiss of course 😉

I planned on this entry being concise but I digress…

I know some of what I have written seems like  I am damaged beyond repair but it is not the intention nor is that accurate. What happened is a big deal. If anyone should happen upon this and see themselves reflected in a relationship with a sociopath and it helps them in some way, then it needs to be raw and real here for that to happen. I’m just trying to lighten my load.  I still have residual feelings and I am terrified of the unknown but I won’t let fear take the wheel. It can take a back seat and eventually it can get the faak out of the car!

Every day I have colleagues who make me laugh, friends who warm my heart and children who give me a reason to be and keep me in touch with my inner goofball.

Things are good here. I’m ready to be connected! But I am in no rush for anything.

Sens exhibition game tonight. Off I go to find a Neil t-shirt 🙂 Happy Saturday!!

August
August

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This is my brain…be prepared

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July 🙂

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Silly selfies sent to twin#2

September
September
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http://www.zoomphoto.ca/event/19744/
http://www.zoomphoto.ca/event/19744/

http://www.zoomphoto.ca/event/19744/
http://www.zoomphoto.ca/event/19744/
Always Alright…

Still smiling!

Muah 😉