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The Calm Ignites the Storm

No, no typo in the title, I know it is typically “the calm before the storm”. Once you’ve dated a sociopath, nothing is typical anymore. Realizing you are calm after a hectic day initiates some self-reflection and then the crocodile tears that refuse to be contained… “Why am I struck like lightning about the realization that I am calm right now?” This feeling comes as I am describing to my mother, a hectic morning, as mornings typically are being a single working parent of three children (any parent really)… I tell her that my son missed his bus and I ended up having to drive him and then I say but I’m over it, what can ya do, I’m calm and those words are an epiphany – I’m calm. Life wasn’t perfect today but I’m calm. Most people will think “Yeah kids miss the bus, big deal, you should be over it!” but 8 months ago, instead of typing this, I would have been dealing with the Sociopath and he would have had me carry my inconsequential and in all likelihood common to most households morning to bed – fuelling me to believe that my children were bad and had no respect for me – ranting on about how I (me) can’t have failure in the mornings and ultimately creating chaos and struggle out of a really mundane thing. Further, I should be grateful for his abuse masked as concern and that this was ‘love’.
 My beautiful angels…I’m sorry.
The chaos…he loved the chaos – he thrived in chaos and trying to ruin everything that was beautiful in my life. Everything that made me sparkle and shine, he wanted to destroy it to boost his already inflated ego. The narcissist needed to control my sparkle, actively dulling it and then rebuilding it with lies as if he were the one who cared for me the most and successfully convincing me of this for a while. I’m not a huge fan of roller coasters and this would be my least favourite of them all.
Five months and this stuff still creeps into my mind and affects me. I think I’m good and then boom comes that Mac truck!
This moment in my life, an average convo most 40 year olds likely have with friends and family is not atypical in the aftermath of a relationship with a sociopath. A song, a phrase, a card you thought you had tossed and the shitstorm that is heartache ensues. The disappointment, the tears, the bewilderment abounds….I don’t understand it…never will. Being calm didn’t upset me – realizing it was the first time I was connected to calm in 2 years upset me…
Dry your eyes and sleep….one of three perfect little souls crawls in beside me in the night and then comes glorious sleep.
6am – I turn to Jillian Michaels for an ass whooping to undo the weight gain and build the deflated muscle that now exists on this shell, in the wake of near complete destruction and emotional ruin. Hard to believe that two years ago I could walk in to a clothing store grab what I wanted and never try it on, I was boxing and completing Olympic style deadlifts, I registered for Spartan and Prison Break – I was empowered and ready to take anything on. This wasn’t in my plan…
M and Ms, Smarties :), ginger molasses cookies, Timmies, pizza, pop, chai lattes – I figure my body is now 90% fat from these yummy treats and 10% tears waiting to bubble out without warning. My food buddies. Triggers of happy childhood memories and Christmas (Chai), I love Christmas… Indulgence is not what I need…
Bye little chocolate buddies…… 10k I’m coming for you!
24 year old self, I’m coming for pieces of you too! <3 I loved your sparkle and spunk. I miss you 🙂
Love is stronger than hate. Muscle has to be damaged to be strengthened through self-repair. The heart is a muscle…
“So, what made you think you could take a life
And just push it, push it around
I guess to build yourself up so high
You had to take her and break her down”Read more:  Keith Urban – Stupid Boy Lyrics | MetroLyrics

Always Alright….
Muah 😉
Check out these blogs:
datingasociopath.com It may be helpful if you’ve survived loving a sociopath. I spent 3 months reading this blog every night over and over and over.
themanblog.ca True love exists and although there is grief here it is about real and undying love. This helps me feel in a different way and feel hopeful that ‘it’ can be found…somewhere with someone beautiful inside and out…I choose to see the love story in both the pictures and the words – romantic love, motherly love, love of life.  Everyone should be so lucky to find a love like this, to have a beautiful Evelyn light up their soul. It’s heart wrenching but there’s beauty all over these pages.