Tag Archives: reflection

Brace for impact…

Last night would serve as substantial evidence that I did not meet this goal. Not that it should really come as a surprise, if one looks at the facts. The fact that as much as my divorce has impacted me, as much as my choices in certain men have hurt and disillusioned me, my divorce and my choices have impacted my children.

My goal as a mother, from the point of conception was to provide my children with a life rich in love, health and memories. This goal has not changed. Choices made have have not afforded my children a childhood with that vision.

I thought that finding a significant other would complete our family. As I have said many times already, because I focussed so much on the happy ending, I ended up making poor choices. Choices have consequences.

As a single mother, when we choose the wrong man and invite them into our home and family, our children are immersed in the negative, the unhealthy and the hurt that the wrong person brings as much as we are.

I have learned my lessons. Unfortunately, it has taken me a few years to do so. In those years, childhood moments have been stolen and tainted. There’s no magic to undo that and I’m not sure I’ll find forgiveness for myself for making the choices. I may not find it from my children either.

Last night became a head on collision for me. I went through my day relatively peacefully. I had coffee with colleagues, laughed and was productive at work. I headed to dinner with a colleague and tried Persian food and enjoyed some laughter. I returned home going about my night. All of my children gathered in the kitchen, it was pleasant. I literally turned to do something and when I turned around the peace turned into catastrophe. Not unlike a car accident, everything changed in a millisecond.

If only the moment had come with a warning to brace for impact. I was hit with my son’s anger like a Mac truck taking out a Honda Fit.

My son and one of the twins had a sibling moment of name calling. I just stood in the kitchen the other day and lectured all three kids on how we will speak to each other in the Home. Last night, my son felt I should have called the twin on her name calling and started taking me to task on it. This was the moment of impact. I didn’t realize how hard the impact was until my son’s anger and judgement sprayed around the room like pieces of a vehicle in a full impact collision.

My son was feeling alone and unsupported and he did not like my answers. He had the perception that I only call him out on bad behaviour and not the girls. This is inaccurate but his perception. Something about my response ignites pent up anger. My son unleashed all that he thinks about my choices in men and the decision to include them in their daily lives. How his childhood has sucked because of it. Nothing I say brings calm. As he goes on, all I can think is he just wants to be angry. I express remorse, I own my choices, I acknowledge his feelings and remind him that I cannot change it. I remind that I experienced it all too. I apologize again. To him the apology has no weight. Disappointment and feeling robbed of happy times prevail.

I cannot argue with how many things have sucked in the last 13 years. I don’t disagree that there have been intense negative moments in the hands of male counterparts. More than should have ever occurred. On one hand, I get the anger and I do not blame my son for his anger. It should not shock me. It’s how it is unleashed that hits me. The debris and shattered glass tears through my soul and it is now embedded with already existing shards of failure, shame, regret and hurt.

What they don’t see from me on a daily basis, since the divorce is that I beat myself up, they don’t see the pain, they don’t see the shame and self-loathing that I battle already for having failed to provide them with the childhood I had dreamed of for them. Their disappointment is my tragedy. I soldier through these times, I hold my head up, I move forward, which may appear to other’s like I’ve forgotten or as if it all was of no consequence. The strength it takes to move forward and face them everyday, they will never know. I know I’ve failed, I know they have missed out and I know I will not likely find forgiveness from myself or from them as they make their way through adolescence. I hope it will come and I will stand in front of the firing squad when necessary.

I tell my son that only time and my actions going forward can prove to him that I have learned. I express to him that if I could go back and change it I truly would.

Last night he stormed out of the house in -40 degree weather. My girls crumbled. I was at a loss. In shock. He ranted the teenage rant of when I can I’m moving out and never looking back. My heart shattered, my reaction anger. As he tied his shoes, I told him “You are my son, I love you. No matter what you feel for me, I will not stop caring for you. I’m sorry you feel this way.” He left. I was mad and then I was scared. Two girls falling to pieces beside me.

I texted him once the world stopped spinning “Let me come get you and take you where you want to go. No talking.” A text comes back “can you just come pick me up.” I do.

I open my eyes this morning to a six foot two, shirtless young man. He stands silently at the side of my bed staring at me. I break the silence with a quiet “What’s up?”

“I’m sorry for last night.” He says wiping a tear from his face.

“Are you?” I respond. Not sure why that was my choice.

“Yes, I am” he says.

I pause and offer “Okay.”

He lingers a moment, wipes another tear “I have to go to work” and walks out. It’s -40, I let him walk.

I choose to move forward in most days positively. I do not forget my failures but I try to grow from them. I have to move forward and find laughter, any other choice would bring about my soul’s death and then what would be the point of it all?

Tomorrow is not promised. I will do my best to make each day count. I will do my part to make the rest of their lives an abundance of happy days.

Am I ready?

 

This is the question every newly single likely asks themselves and it is an important question. Everyone in your life will have opinions on your readiness, many of these opinions will be prefaced with “You should…” At the end of the day only you can find the answer to this question. How do you know? I don’t have the answer. You need to be connected to yourself and trust your gut. Maybe a better question is why are you looking? What is drawing you to the dating world? If it’s solely to fill a void, to distract you from your disappointment or loss or just for comfort, then I would say you’re probably not ready.

I’ve been through a trauma. It’s a trauma to me because I am a genuinely good human being and because I move through everyday with genuinely good intentions. This tends to make ‘bad’ behaviour a little more shocking and bewildering to me. There are women who could have lived the same experience I just did,  dusted themselves off and moved on without flinching.

I’ve learned a lot from my experience. I’ve learned that the first person I need to trust is myself. Trust my gut and stand by my principles and values. I’ve learned that the right person won’t ask me to ignore my values, my needs and if I need to take it slow, the right person will accept that and move at the same pace. I need someone in my life who is independent, who is busy with other things but wants to make time for me even if that time may be limited or we have to get creative. No one is meeting my children until I feel confident in them as a human being. That could mean 3-4 months of dating someone. I have my kids 95% of the time. There are other people in my life that want pieces of my limited time and the person that I date will have to be accepting of the fact that I will choose time with friends too. Developing a relationship will take time, having lives that completely converge will take significant time. My kids are rooting themselves here finally and it would take something of epic significance to make me even entertain the thought of changing that. Any man who’s in a rush to be exclusive or to have me permanently warm the empty space in their bed is not the one for me. I won’t be able to spend a Wednesday night at my man’s house because I have my children every weeknight and they are not of an age where I can or want to leave them overnight without back up. I’m certainly not calling in grandma for a mid-week booty call. I want more than that and it will be a challenge. Someone special will eventually rise to that challenge.

Am I ready?  Ready as I can be. I am open… Am I terrified? Yes, I am terrified. Trust will be a hurdle for me. But that hurdle will be there if I postpone dating for another 6 months, 1 year, 5 years… I fear if I wait too long – fear will be all I have and it will paralyze me. My two cats will become 15 cats and I will be that lady… I don’t want to be that lady. I want to find my ‘person’, the first person I turn to when something great happens, when there’s an adventure to be taken… The person who wraps their arms around me and makes the world disappear for a while.

Yesterday, in my conversation with Ginger we talked about some self-realization as a byproduct of the sociopath. She said to me “Remember I sent you that email about knowing when you’re in a controlling relationship early on with the sociopath?” I was like yussss and I was in denial. It went on a bit… And landed on her saying “Do you think you think you can fix these guys or something?” No, I am not quite so naive and coincidentally a couple of weeks ago I had a realization of why I tend to tolerate horse shit for far too long. Other than being far too freaking nice… I was a teacher for 12 years. That was my passion. I was a good teacher. I believed in teaching students not subjects. Math was my subject but I was teaching children the subject, those kids learning was my focus not just the content of the course. That meant I needed to connect to each one of those kids, even the difficult ones. I needed to look for the potential, the ‘good’ sometimes, in every one of the children entering my world. That’s a good philosophy in the classroom, it made me an effective teacher. That philosophy doesn’t necessarily translate to the dating world. I realize this is what I was doing. I was always looking for the good in people who were showing me good was lacking. I was going for the underdog looking for the potential and banking on the one or two good things I saw. That’s all well and good in dealing with a 13 year old who is still figuring out who they are. For a 37, 47, 57 year old man, if you’re 95% a douchebag then you’re 95% a douchebag and the other 5% doesn’t really matter. I don’t want to fall in love with potential. I want the real deal. I am ready for the allstar baby! I don’t expect perfection – I want human. I just want a good man. I expect at 40 something we all have some shit being thrown on our plates. And I don’t mind being there to support somebody, to be leaned on a bit. But I am not going to take your plate and deal with what’s on it to my fatigue while you live the life of Riley. I’ll hold your plate for you temporarily if need be, if you’ll take mine sometimes. But you’re getting your plate back!! With a hug and a kiss of course 😉

I planned on this entry being concise but I digress…

I know some of what I have written seems like  I am damaged beyond repair but it is not the intention nor is that accurate. What happened is a big deal. If anyone should happen upon this and see themselves reflected in a relationship with a sociopath and it helps them in some way, then it needs to be raw and real here for that to happen. I’m just trying to lighten my load.  I still have residual feelings and I am terrified of the unknown but I won’t let fear take the wheel. It can take a back seat and eventually it can get the faak out of the car!

Every day I have colleagues who make me laugh, friends who warm my heart and children who give me a reason to be and keep me in touch with my inner goofball.

Things are good here. I’m ready to be connected! But I am in no rush for anything.

Sens exhibition game tonight. Off I go to find a Neil t-shirt 🙂 Happy Saturday!!

August
August

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This is my brain…be prepared

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July 🙂

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Silly selfies sent to twin#2

September
September
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http://www.zoomphoto.ca/event/19744/
http://www.zoomphoto.ca/event/19744/

http://www.zoomphoto.ca/event/19744/
http://www.zoomphoto.ca/event/19744/
Always Alright…

Still smiling!

Muah 😉