Tag Archives: self love

Feel no feelings

This little mantra was offered to me at my last hair appointment as the topic of some of us women being too nice, too understanding, too caretaking aka codependent doormats of sorts was being discussed. Instead of attracting wonderful human beings into our lives, we attract the toxic and narcissistic. Why? Because we are so accommodating as to forgive peoples flaws to the point of not recognizing ourselves and our own needs. 

It’s okay to be a caretaker, it’s certainly necessary to be nice in this life. It is, however, not our responsibility to take on other people’s problems, needs, wants while losing ourselves in the process. To this I said “Why can’t I just be a hard ass?” Enter the mantra “Feel no feelings”. 

I don’t know how much I can actually subscribe to such a statement. It’s the polar opposite of how I’ve existed my entire life. 

I think it is more a matter of being the nice girl with boundaries. Knowing when to say no, knowing how to be there for people without actually taking on their life too. Finding compassion without becoming codependent. If we have to become someone else to be loved by another then we are with the wrong person. 

I don’t want to feel no feelings. I want to experience the joy in my kids, friends and colleagues. When it comes to the opposite sex, I’m not in a place to have feelings right now.  My heart just won’t allow it. In that regard, I’m out of commission. So I can heal, I guess and it seems to be out of my control at this point. I just can’t… Flowers, flash mobs or a scene from Say Anything will leave me indifferent… I haven’t been here before. Apathy towards romantic gestures. I haven’t figured out what that means yet or how that changes. 

I followed the advice of a friend who’s way less doormat – like than me. Went on Bumble to find, I don’t know what… Turns out Bumble is Tinder… Is this where it’s at? I have to resort to becoming Tinder trash?

I swipe right on a firefighter. I’m not impressed by this because I know all too well the uniform doesn’t make the man. My ex-husband is a firefighter. I swipe right because there’s an endearing smile there and I’m willing to test if I can be “that girl”. Why? Apathy. I don’t have to care – it’s the underlying premise of a meat market right? To not care and just be basic. Ugh.

“What are you looking for on here?” I ask.  “Friends with benefits, I guess, see what happens?” says the firefighter. Okay – let’s do this. My friends are like KayKay this is not you. Are you sure you can handle this? Of course, I can, I’m numb – I truly don’t care, about as much as this guy probably doesn’t care either. I try to convince them and myself that I can be this person. I lie to them and lie to myself. 

I’m going in to this carrying an extra 20+ lbs that messes with my head daily.  I want to just go hardcore on the workouts and running but I have a disc that’s ready to explode if I afford it the conditions to do that. So, when I push, it bitch slaps me back to reality and slows me down. Ten of these miserable pounds I want to lose are directly related to that disc. It took running from me and paved the way to a silent suffering and depression which lead me to good old friends: wine and jujubes. I ate my feelings because I’m KayKay. I don’t whine. I put on a brave face – so as not to bring other people down or make them worry. Instead, I eat my emotions. This time forgetting that I don’t have exercise to counteract the garbage going into my pie hole. Poof 15 lbs which I scaled back for Mexico 2017.   

After Mexico, brought a toxic home life that fired up my anxiety to the point where I entered work with some low level PTSD. Trembling and consumed by confusion and self doubt. I can’t destroy these feelings through exercises and they’re exhausting me. I turn to food.

So, I’m entering this FWB situation not loving myself too much which kind of takes away from the whole sexy experience it’s supposed to be…

Not to mention firefighter is a big teddy bear who is still not over his ex. I spend a lot of my time playing therapist. Fine but that’s where the codependent begins. I’m trying to heal myself right now, I can’t afford to take this on…

I realize last night as I’m playing therapist again. That I choose to cross boundaries for this person and keep others at bay because this guy is not available. He is no threat to me. And so this morning, I recognize that I need to distance myself from that… Soon…

I realize I’m now going to therapy tomorrow not to deal with all the disastrous relationships I’ve experienced and the why. I’m going to find out how to love myself, I’m not sure I ever truly have…

Good grief


I spent last weekend immersed in movies and retail therapy.

Southpaw which was emotional and made me want to strap on my boxing gloves and pound the heck out of something. It has my son wanting to join a boxing club. Who’s inspired this, the movie and his mother!!!! Sorry, I’m being a “martyr Saint”.

Inside Out. Great movie! I laughed out loud a lot. I loved Disgust she cracked me up. My mom says “Hey it’s Abbie!” That went over well. Payton was Joy. I would Fear right now. Bottom line, true joy cannot exist in the absence of sadness. They both need to exist in balance. Good movie, will watch again. 🙂

Love Story with Ryan Oneill and Ali McGraw.  It’s sweet and tragic. My son comes in part way when Oliver and Jenny meet at the door as he returns from receiving the news. She asks Oliver what he sees and he says “I see you”. I’m like awww and then in chimes my son “Oh my God, what are they even talking about!?!? This movie is so stupid! It makes no sense” Then comes the scene where she is watching him skate, she is soaking him in, taking it all in knowing as the soul does what is coming. My son is like who does that? This is lame. I said some day you’ll be in love and stupid too. You’ll watch her eat her fries and think it is one of the great wonders of the world. He is like “No, I won’t. That’s so dumb”  Ah man did I laugh.

Off to The Peanuts Movie… What it’s a love story too with Charlie Brown working through insecurities… Oh my… Sigh.

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I have a conversation with a friend about another friend who is going through a tough time with their spouse being angry and abusive. It brings back feelings and memories of dark times and heartache here. It follows me like a little dark cloud. Alters my mood a bit as I go to spend time with someone and they can sense it. I shrug it off.

It’s never easy to leave someone and when they’ve broken your spirit you have to dig so deep to find that one ember of courage to ignite the decision to end it. To choose yourself and your journey. To choose happiness and peace.

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Sending the women in my life strength and courage…. xo

 

Living with a Sociopath


I wanted to create this blog to write down and unload my experience being in a relationship with a sociopath.  I hope that by having it up here it may help someone else either heal from or maybe even leave one of the worst situation’s you could find yourself in.  Better than my writings, I encourage you to go to datingasociopath.com if you see yourself reflected… I have a feeling my writings are going to take me longer than I thought…

I imagine if a 100 women wrote down their experiences, they would all have the same themes associated with their sociopath.

  • An inflated ego,
  • lying, manipulating,
  • controlling,
  • zero empathy,
  • an incapacity to truly love,
  • no remorse,
  • empty promises,
  • abuse (verbal and/or physical)….

My heart is pounding as I begin to delve into this. I am a very sensitive human being, I operate from a genuine place of love.  I am scared to dive into this because I know I cannot do this without connecting to the emotions of it.  I know when the examples I have to give start bubbling to the surface, they are going to play out in my mind like a movie.  I can only hope they unload here and stay here and then I can just get on with my day. This experience does not define me, it does not define how I love now or how I will love in the future. Has it wakened me up? Yes. My major lesson here and going forward in a romantic relationship is to “Trust myself first.” . Night after night, day after day of reading the blog datingasociopath.com, this is one thing that stood out.  Trust yourself first!!!  What does that mean for me? When the alarm bells go off, I will listen to them.  I will follow my gut always.  It has never lied to me, ever.  It has always been accurate. We have those alarm bells for a reason, for protection and survival. For the love of God, listen to your gut. You know the truth when you hear it and the opposite is also true – your gut will speak when lies are present. Sometimes it speaks immediately and sometimes it speaks in time but when it does, listen!  Mine was screaming. Someone recently asked me “If your alarm bells were sounding so loudly, why didn’t you listen and just end it?” Go to datingasociopath.com

I did not ignore the alarms per say.  I heard them. I questioned them with friends. I even questioned the sociopath to his face.  I exerted my backbone and called BS.  I’m an Aries, we’re not known for sugarcoating things or rolling over and just taking things. I fought back and I questioned the lies. I told him to leave a number of times.  His agenda was stronger and his abuse was breaking me. I was in denial. I was living from a place of fear sometimes masked as love. I didn’t want to have made the wrong partner choice again, I didn’t want to say what I was living out loud, I didn’t want to be this again… Recovering, searching, dating….  I have to pause here to cry…

http://datingasociopath.com/recovery-and-healing-after-dating-a-sociopath/learning-to-trust-after-a-sociopath-relationship/

I was in therapy for a grievance I had filed at work. I had been harassed at work along with other colleagues.  The grievance process is long and the burden of proof is on you the victim to prove it happened.  I was going to therapy for post-traumatic stress symptoms.  Symptoms that were emerging because I still had to work with the offender every day.  I had to listen to people sit in management meetings talking about the office’s ‘issues’ but no one doing anything about it. I had to repress my feelings and come in and do my job like nothing was going on. Eventually, my body was reacting to things before I even knew my mind was processing them. I was getting sick. I was startling easily. It was awful. In the meantime, the beautiful thing I thought I had with the sociopath was turning in to a nightmare as well. Near the end, I started discussing it with my therapist. I needed someone neutral to tell me to get the hell out! I had had an argument with the sociopath about his behaviour, him not paying me money back, not following through on promises and treating me like garbage and he told me I just needed to get over this thing at work. I got my answer, an investigator said the harassment was founded now move on.  If I would just move on from this work “issue” we wouldn’t fight!  The things he said and did would not upset me. There it is zero empathy!! I spent a year and a half of my life proving that someone harassed me at work, that my work environment was poisoned. Constantly reliving and rewriting the harassment and not sure if I was going to be believed… I brought him with me to the hearing… “On two counts of harassment, we conclude that harassment ocurred.” Founded! I started to bawl in that meeting. The only person out of 4 people including the sociopath who had any empathy was the labour relations officer. Tears bubbled in the officer’s eyes and he got up and got me Kleenex. The sociopath just sat there. One arm resting on the back of his chair like he was king shit or something. No hand hold, no post meeting hug. This sociopath needed others to think he was amazing, so he looks at my union rep and says you take care of this lady she is special. But then when behind closed doors he wants to analyze the situation forcing me to relive it all again and then using it against me to defend his own behaviour. This is key to a sociopath’s success finding out about you and then using it against you for sport, for a thrill and for control. I tell my therapist that this guy is telling me I should just get over it and that if I would just do that then we would be okay.  And then I just start spilling the beans, the money, the abuse, the empty promises, the alienation…

She says “K, that is mental abuse…” She gets up and goes to her filing cabinet.  Pulls out two documents  that list all of the signs of abuse… He has been using you, manipulating you and abusing you…. My thinking is why? I’m not rich.  Why use me? There’s nothing elaborate to be had here. But I had enough…it was a place to stay instead of at his parents or when the victim before me decided to boot him out.  I paid his debts. I gave him the opportunity to upgrade his vehicle, to buy skidoos, to get a trailer he could use, 4 wheelers and someone he could control for a while. It’s so hard for me to conceive of the fact that someone would behave this way.  That they weren’t in it to love me. They weren’t in love with me. I was a means to an end.  People like this exist in the movies, soap operas, Criminal Minds… not in my life! Being a good person, it strikes me hard.  People like me, genuine and highly empathetic tend to be hit extra hard by these realities because we genuinely operate from a premise that other people are as good as we are. That most people operate from a good place with good intentions.  The sad reality is that this is not the case.  If you are a highly sensitive and empathetic human being –  you may be wise to post this reality on your bathroom mirror in some form.  “Trust yourself first!” Not everyone is as good as you are.  Not everyone in this world comes from a place of good.  The truth can be horrifying, when you finally let it in;  it will be horrifying to face it but the horror ends and you get to be alive again. You get to connect with people and sparkle! Choose life, choose love – choose you!

Some people get their thrills from conning others, it’s an adrenaline rush. They enjoy pulling one over on you. They enjoy wasting your time and energy. They enjoy isolating you from the people you love and causing chaos in your relationships with others. They think they are God’s gift but at the same time they are insecure.  They need to break you to feel empowered and they don’t feel a damn thing in doing it other than pleasure and satisfaction. It’s sick! It’s a sociopath!  It’s life with a sociopath and you need to get out!  Get out and save your beautiful soul, let it live, let it shine, let it love and be loved.  That’s what you deserve. Please go to datingasociopath.com and read it until you get it! Thank God for this woman’s writings.  It will be horrifying at first, to see yourself reflected there. To finally wake up to the harsh reality. But it will be worth it because you will see that the sociopath owns all of this.  You will see you can move on. Find strength there, I did!

Remember make No Contact with the sociopath once you are out. I have failed to do this because of financial stuff and it does set you back. Read my post on just an email from a sociopath.  That was a set back. Just writing this now – I realize I need my lawyer to communicate with him; to do the status checks.  I’m still learning because I’m not completely free yet and when I feel strong I forget…

Okay, so I have derailed a lot…it’s messy in there…so many thought bubbles wanting release. I’m going to try to subtitle to keep a focus…

Meeting the Sociopath

I met him online.  Out of everyone I was chatting with, he was the first one to call me instead of texting me. Wow, I thought that was super impressive. I thought it was a sign of maturity and i found it super charming and exciting.  I romanticized it. Later, I would discover that the phone calls were a means to having nothing in writing.  Nothing could be used against him this way.  He could lie and cause confusion and doubt because there would be nothing to go back on.  “You’re confused, that’s no what I said, what I meant was….”  The mind games would be put in writing to a point, the I love yous, the babes, the you’re my angel, babe please call me and then the phone calls would speak differently. Ugh…

I gave the sociopath an hour and a half of my time on our first date. He talked about his son as though he had a regular schedule with him. He claimed he had a close relationship with his family. He was fixated on the fact that I lived in the country for 12 years. Claimed he had been to where I lived several times. He asked A LOT of questions, a lot (assessment phase)!!! I saw this as interest but he was simply assessing how easily I could be duped, where my weaknesses were and what he needed to mirror to suck me in.

After our date, he called me right away to tell me what a great time he had. Bonus points. He called me back again to say he called his parents to tell them what a great girl he had met and that I was from the country. I found this weird. He laid it on thick about me being the real deal and how you just know the real deal when you meet them. He laid it on thick. I had been used to, I’m not sure I want a relationship, I’m not sure I want to be a dad, I’m no good for you…blah blah blah…to all in in an hour???? It was highly unusual.  He was all in immediately! Red flag 1 000 006. I analyzed it but decided to romanticize it instead, of course someone could love me at first sight, right? Maybe…but not this time.

He wanted to meet my children right away. Mommy rule #1 no meeting my babies until you prove yourself worthy. He convinced me otherwise…within days. I had an out here as I called him one afternoon while at work, he started talking to me like he had me confused with another girl, this felt especially bad and the alarm bells went off.  I hung up on him. He called back 1000 times. He would not stop calling. He claimed he had been napping and was confused. I told him our next date was off, he ‘cried’ on the phone going on about how he knew I was the real deal and he had blown it. We didn’t talk for several days. I felt like maybe I overreacted, that maybe I was letting residual past relationship stuff make me judge him too harshly. So, I made a decision I will always regret…I texted him and invited him back in.

When I texted him, his “brother” responded back. Hey is this K, M just stepped out to move a fence this is his brother J. I’m so glad you texted him, he’s been so upset, I’ve never seen him this way…blah blah blah blah blah…it went on and on. How close they were. How great his parents are. How he works too hard. And on and on and on… It was out there… I called my BFF and said his brother is texting me, I kinda think it is him. We both agreed it was kinda sweet and did what stupid girls do and romanticized, turned it into Hollywood stuff instead of what it was which is psycho!!!! Again – alarm bells ignored. Sigh. It came out when I found Maya’s benefit card and I made him spill the beans. It was him, not his brother. Duuhhh! His brother barely acknowledged his presence whenever we visited his family which was rare.

Thanksgiving, rolled around and I headed to the cottage. Kids were with their father. I was texting with him. He convinced me to ask my parents if he could join us after three hours of me saying no, I finally caved. I was going against my gut again. Three weeks in and you’re meeting my parents – completely insane! This was more of the assessment phase. Meet the parents, see if he is going to be able to play out his game. Who might get in his way. Who does he need to eliminate to gain ultimate control. Who did he need to cause friction with. He would become the reason I would have the first and worst argument ever with my father causing me not to see my parents for months, miss out on the cottage for the first summer ever in my entire life. My kids didn’t get to see their grandparents. It was strained and all unnecessarily because of him. Because he is a sociopath.

He wanted to meet everyone in my life quickly so that he could assess the level of difficulty in gaining control here.

Chaos and Bliss?

Within two months he moved in, against my better judgement, my gut and single mommy rule #2. No living together until a real and tested commitment is in place.

My son didn’t like this. I don’t blame him. He came in told everyone they were doing a piss poor job. I was an inadequate housekeeper, my children were ingrates who didn’t value me or respect me,  and we were so lucky he was there to turn things around. He was especially horrible to my son because he could see we had a good bond. He didn’t like that, he wanted to be the centre of attention. And so began the boomerang of my home being beneath his standards and my children being horrible; to us being the best things ever, amazing. Damn I hate that word sometimes it was so overused and a lie out of his mouth.

He had this weird fixation with his parents. His mom keeps her house immaculate. We should take my children there to see what a home should look like. We should go to his friends’ house to see how their kids were and how clean their houses were. They were all loaded and had cleaning ladies!!! He went on about how his mom always kept a clean house. It turned out she was a stay at home mom throughout their elementary school days!!  Well, fuck you buddy! I’m a single mom of three kids! I work all day! And I have my kids all the time! I’m exhausted! It’s all I can do to make dinner and prepare for the next day. Getting down on my hands and knees and scrubbing the floor with a toothbrush or polishing the microwave every five minutes is not in the cards. If it bothers you so much why don’t you clean it when you get home at 2pm. You’re not  paying rent. It’s the least you could do… Nope instead lets text about how inadequate my home is for your high standards the entire 40 minutes I am on the bus and then let’s talk about it all night – repeating and repeating and repeating. Rules would be made, strict ones that no one could live up to here. Then I would hear about it. He would threaten to leave. Saying weird things like,” I can’t live here, my parents wouldn’t want to see me living in a townhouse. It’s too small here. I used to own a single home. I can’t invite my parents here. Your kids don’t respect me and you don’t support my rules… How much is a man supposed to take?” Well, a man wouldn’t act this way. A man wouldn’t force their way into someone’s home, not pay a cent, criticize the home, tell another how to parent…a man would roll up his sleeves and alleviate some work for a single mom, pay his share and offer support not criticism. But we’re not talking about a man, we’re talking about a sociopath.

He threatened to leave a lot in the beginning and I told him where he could find the door. I think he believed I would beg him to stay. Why would I? I don’t need him… Me holding the door open made him have to change his plans and back track. He would then play the card that he had never live with anyone and he had never really been around children. It was a learning curve. Further, I am such a special sweet woman and he can’t stand to see my children take advantage of me…yadda yadda yadda.

My children aren’t perfect but they are good human beings, fun, caring and yeah sometimes life gets away on us and it’s not perfect here but they are loved, they cared for and they are happy. I have given up on a better homes and gardens show home. I’m only one person and I’m tired more than I could give a crap to scrub the floors everyday. When he list the my mom is a better housekeeper battle. He started in on my son. Making my son hate him. My son started going to the basement instead of hanging with me. He tried to charm the girls and got them on side. This guy was just a nightmare, every day was a battle o et some stupidity. It was exhausting.

I convinced myself that I needed to drop the hammer and get my kids onboard with cleaning rules and rules rules rules. I couldn’t sustain it. It was setting everyone up for failure and giving him the opportunity to cause chaos and love it.

He would step up. Help me with groceries. Clean the odd time. Pick the girls up after school so I didn’t stress on the way home. Have supper waiting some nights. Bring me coffee every Saturday morning without fail.

This is the dance we would do. Moving between amazing to questionable. He seduce. He would say things like how have you done this all on your own die so long. You’re an amazing woman. I’ve never met anyone like you. I didn’t know family could be like this. I wish we had met 8 years ago, we could have had a child. We could have been married. We would make gorgeous children. Oh he laid it on and then he would whip the rug out and stir things up again in some way. If it wasn’t domestic life, it was questioning my friends, questioning my friends or even questioning me. I’m surprised I didn’t just collapse from sheer exhaustion.

He wanted me to sell my home. We needed a bigger home. He harped on this. Thankfully, this house is not in my name. Oh my I don’t even want to think what Hell I would be in…Maya’s Hell and worse.

There were good times, trips to Saint Sauveur, skidooing together. I loved skidooing – I loved the speed, getting air as in taking mogel jumps. Stopping at a shack, folk music… Maybe again someday… Mostly I was isolated in the home.

There was no money really to do anything once accounts were joined as he had so many financed things. His Jeep payment was 800 dollars a month! Like wtf! The Narcissist in him thought everyone wanted him. Everywhere we went he was like the guy at the cash just said how sweet my jeep is. It’s a jeep not a Porsche get over yourself! In the beginning of the relationship he had to call me all the time to tell me some girl just hit on him but he told her he was going home to his fiancée (I want to vomit). Some girl ahead of him at Tim’s bought his coffee. Everyone wanted him but I was the lucky girl he came home to. I could only take this for so long. I snapped. I was like we are both attractive people, I’m going to assume without a doubt that you are coming home to me, I don’t need to hear every day about this woman and that. I get free coffees. I get acknowledged. I’ve had a chef not capable of taking my order and blaming it on my dress and then bringing me and Kim dessert on the house. I’ve gotten phone numbers and business cards that went in the trash… It stays there, in that moment unless it is over the top ridiculous. Why would I bring that home? He needed to make sure I knew what a lucky woman I was that he could have anyone else on any given day. Whacko!

He used to pick fights and then threaten to go in to work at like midnight. One night I’d had enough and refused to let him sleep after he disturbed my sleep to rant about some inconsequential lunacy and then threatened to go to work when I didn’t agree with his insane rantings. I went to sleep on the couch to get away from him. He followed and then said he’d go to work and give me my bed. He literally repeated the same words over and over and over when he argued. I went upstairs. He followed and then started to get into bed. I flicked on the light and was like oh no you don’t. Follow through, I’m done with your threats go to work. He didn’t know what to do. “I can’t go now. I’d have to call my boss.” Ugh…so exhausting the chaos dance! Constant chaos.

Phone calls and control

I literally did not have a minute to myself. Some days I entertained the thought of cancelling my cell phone plan so I could have a break. At first, it was great to have so much attention. It felt good. But then it was unrelenting. Constant texts and phone calls. This was control. Text all the way to work. As soon as my butt hit the chair in my cubicle he’d call. He’d call all day long and text all the way home. When I started driving to work. He would call and talk the whole way there and then the same again on the way back home. Call my cubicle all day long. I had no breathing room. No time to myself. No time to think. No time to talk anyone else.  It was great when I could go to the gym at lunch. Peace. If I walked away from my desk I would return to 10 missed calls back to back every minute or two. Insanity!

At home, if he worked overtime, he called all the time. Even the kids were like “It’s M, why does he call so much!!” We’d be starting a movie or playing a game. Seriously if you had to leave the house to work then work already!!! Controlling and smothering…

At first the attention was nice. It boosted the ego but then it just became exhausting like everything else. Just draining. Don’t get me wrong, I want to know that I am on the next fellows mind. I expect there will be a good deal of texting in the beginning  when we can’t spend a lot of time together… Every minute of the day – not so much.

I used to think there is no way he could have been cheating because he called all the time. He also smoked like a chimney so he likely stepped away to do that during his overtime…

You’d think after the break up that would bring a huge sigh of relief – the silence. But the silence is unsettling at first, it causes a restlessness. Some let down and a bit of depression. It’s crazy! Maya and I discussed and labeled it M withdrawal. It was messed up. Maya’s words “The withdrawal from M is intense!”

Now, I have my morning commute back. I get to crank my tunes and sing. It’s awesome!!! I get to play my music and dance in the shower. I have my music back. Some me time. I can breathe and it’s fantastic!!! 🙂

I listen to Country 94 right now and here are some of the songs you’ll catch me cranking or singing along to…

Keith Urban   John Cougar John Deere        John 3:16

Luke Bryan  Strip it down

Gonna Blake Shelton

 

Kick the Dust Up

Boys round here

Fly

Lose my mind

Break up with him

House Party…..

 

Always alright

Muah 💋

 

 

 

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*****I can’t do this today folks.  My Sunday is free, I have so much to do before the kids get home.  Groceries, tidying, laundry… I may try again later…I am leaving what I have so far, as incoherent as it is and I encourage you to go to datingasociopath.com in the meantime, it will be your saviour.  If you know me, go read it and it will help you understand why a wicked smart chick like me stayed…it will help you see how amazingly strong I am to be functioning so well and to be open to love again…I am doing my best… I am healing…

Sorry, I just can’t do it for Now