Tag Archives: selfcare

Call me indispensable…

I logged in to a match.com account yesterday, I don’t know why. Curiosity, boredom, intuition? I created the profile when a friend called me over to drink wine and create her own profile. I created it because hers was glitching so we were testing whether it was Match, wifi or whatever. I didn’t delete it.

I swiped right and left, feeling nauseous as I lingered in the place where people have become dispensable, where I have been dispensable. Throw them in a no pile or a yes pile. Go on a date all the while thinking Mr. Rightnow should be nookin4nub instead. Dispense and on to the next one.

So, I come to a profile, a “match”…clearly a first responder. When I click on it, a “More like this:” section appears. First profile up: firefighter. “Online now”. This is why I signed in. Intuition. The universe rattling my cage saying “End this, you deserve so much more than this! WTF are you doing girl?”

I’ve spent hours being a therapist, listening to someone pine for an ex who has already moved on. I’m happy to help, to listen, to be a shoulder. However, when you figure out someone is still in love with someone who still exists here among us, you have to remove yourself from the equation. Hours of being weighted down when I’m trying to live lightly and purely. I’m no runner up, I’m not here to compete with anyone else, I’m not some interim girl and I’m certainly not here to convince anyone of my worth. I will not do that ever again. I will not spend energy defending my worth and value.

I’ve only ever discovered heartache in online dating. Sociopaths, narcissists, and the awesomely unavailable or unattainable perhaps. God, I hope when I find him it’s at the grocery store, dentist’s office, gym or coffee shop. I have zero faith in the online world.

Four weeks after leaving the relationship, the narcissist was back on POF. It’s not a good feeling being dispensable to others.

Get back in the corner faith, you’re better off there for now. I’ll replace your blanket of fear with romantic love. That way, when it’s time, when you rejoin the other components of my heart, maybe I’ll feel the magic again and feel it’s real.

Until then…self-care and teenagers. That’s where my energy belongs.

Lenses


Final blog, I thought so, but a career change affords me the freedom to write. Although my previous blog posts make me want to re-consider this…

I have just re-read some of my previous posts which at the time I probably thought were brilliant and insightful. Now, I read them and see the wreck I was. Self awareness is a wonderful lense. It brings things into focus, magnifies things, good and bad. 

Lenses…a catch phrase I kept repeating to my most recent ex(She says feeling like a poor version of  Elizabeth Taylor). “Change your lense not your location.” Blending a family is hard, it doesn’t happen in 11 months. Ironically, I am the one who needed to change my lense. I needed to see the situation for what it was. Mission impossible. You cannot change people. When they speak their truth, accept it. 

Blinders. Codependent behaviour. Those final days. Friday, June 16. We walk to the park. My lense is to get things back on track. I’ve just been to therapy, I’m entering the conversation with tools for success. His lense – anger. The cursing and yelling because I said I didn’t believe that I needed to take the internet modem every time a child was sick. So much yelling. When it’s over for someone else, it’s over. All this the night before I have to get up and do a reading at a funeral to honour my best friend’s mother, my aunt. 

Saturday, June 17. Funeral. Stress. In the morning I am met with more anger and button pushing. I state I’m not open to this interaction as I have a funeral reading to do. I’m met with “Life stops because you have a funeral to go to!?!?” Lense change! Focus.  

June 19…text message. A name. “Is that a marriage counsellor?” I ask.  Nope, realtor. The end. The two months that follow are just bewilderment and disappointment and a lot of wine.  A lot of wine. 

Therapist “I’m not sure there’s comfort in this but you need to know, this relationship literally ended over nothing.” She understands. She met the ex, she saw what I was up against. So much unhealthiness existed there. Dooped. Disappointed. Discouraged. Discombobulated. Devastated. 

New lense. Re-reading the transcript of the last two years. I have been Codependent in my relationships. Most of my relationships have been with narcissists. Gotta fix that situation. I think I’ve bought out amazon.ca books on narcissism and codependency on a quest to never repeat this again. The codependency books are helpful but the Narcissist books take me to a bad place, I’m not ready for those. 

Lense: You can’t be so in love with the idea of happy ever after that you aren’t seeing the now for what it is. The person in front of you is who they are. See them. Screw the happy ever after and see them, see them because if you don’t, the ending is just a natural disaster.

Heart of ice. “Feel no feelings.” I’m hoping this is a lense that will re-focus with time. Flowers at work ignites my anxiety. I want to actually be sick. Boys wanting dates just leads to sighs and indifference. A Facebook message from someone telling me, I’m the one that got away but alas they’re engaged, their initiation out of the blue- my first tears in months, they pour. Where’s the comfort in being the one that got away? None. He needed me to tell him it was okay, so I did. Done. 

 The old me would have received those flowers, compliments and messages and started that happy ever after movie playing in my head. Those lenses are gone. This is a good thing but the lenses will certainly need to be adjusted. Damn, they were pretty flowers.  


Slowly adjust the lenses…

Koi Fish – I read that blog post… Geezus. I very rarely remember my dreams. The koi fish dream came after I met a widower online. The widower was wrought with grief and pain. A handsome, intelligent, writer, father… but broken like me. Only worse, he had found happy ever after and it was taken too soon. I remember reading his blog about the loss of his beautiful wife and full on weeping.  I had not met him face to face. We were both existing in sadness. Then the koi fish dream. The widower standing by the pond. Happy. The brain is a messed up thing when we slumber… what lense does it wear when we sleep? Multi-focal lenses? Mary Jane type lenses….  What came from this? Some writing.

Bumble? Friends with benefits? Dating yet again at 42. Ugh. No thanks. I’m enjoying my kids, my friends, some running (disc don’t give out on me now), a fantastic new career and a mentor who thinks I’m some version of Carol Burnett. Sure, okay…

“Feel no feelings” 

Lense: self care…

Oh happy day…

Today was a grrrrrreat day!!! I have moved from fear to happiness. In two weeks, I will start a new chapter of my life. It is exciting and nerve wracking but mostly just amazing. I look forward to looking forward to getting out of bed each day and going to work. To enter a building I have been dreaming of as an employee and not just a visitor. It has been a long time coming and I will not carry question marks with me on this journey any longer! No more what if I had… I’m excited!! Thank you to Carly for bringing me clarity and making sense because you are just incredibly smart!

A colleague thinking I was on my last days at my current place of employment came in when he wasn’t supposed today. Here are three people who have no idea the impact they have had on me simply by being themselves everyday. Simply by sharing a space with me. They are all just wonderful. I will miss them. But I will tell them what they mean to me before I leave. Hopefully without tears but this is me we are taking about…. Oye… I got teary just thinking about saying goodbye to them and my heart filled when my fellow Aries was like “What? I thought you were gone Friday!?!?! Why did I come in? But then we all made our way to the kitchen and laughed. Read our horoscopes and analyzed. Jay Jones read us the recipe section of the Metro and I told him which ones he should make and bring in for us. Then we went back to our cubicles and I cursed him for the hundreds of chocolates waiting at his desk to be eaten. They celebrated with me this afternoon when I confirmed my date of departure. All smiles like proud parents. They are amazing people. A tribe I leave behind physically but I will always have what they have given my spirit. Renewal. Belief in the existence of good humans again. Kindness. Hard work. Integrity. Laughter. Work family. I will miss these three immensely!

I have been sitting here thinking about what I can get them before I leave. Questions about notes in kids’ lunches makes me remember a friend initiating a kindness jar for someone. And I think oh yes!!! That’s it I will leave them a variation of an affirmation or memories jar. Notes they can pull out each day leading up to Christmas.

I will do this for my kids and for other special humans in my life.

Here is a link to a “You Are” jar… I will make a variation on this. I like the tag on this jar.

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Check out the full post on how to do a You Are jar here  http://geekclubbooks.com/2013/11/you-are-jar-of-positive-affirmations/

I would add photos with notes on them about the moment captured. Make it to suit your personality and the needs of the recipient. So much fun!! I can’t wait to start mine. Mason jars can be found cheap at the dollar store along with stickers and tags oh my! Love this!

Bring on Friday!!! Friday is going to be epic! Well, the whole damn weekend is gonna be. Fast forward please!!!

This is what today was like. Happy! The pictures we take at our friends’ request. My daughters laughed hard in taking this one. I thought I might pee my pants.

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Muah 💋