Tag Archives: Sociopath

Simplify


The post below is what I intended to post  last Thursday evening or Friday morning, things changed and it didn’t get finished.

Ok, so who was I kidding? Me, a calm mind??? Lets all pause to laugh for a moment….

If there were an award for analysis paralysis, I would be a top contender. Not really something that makes me burst with pride. Sometimes, I think it would be so much easier to have a simple mind, to be ignorant, to care less…. I would just be happy all the time because I wouldn’t know the difference. I wouldn’t question. I would simply exist in simplicity.

Oversimplification…

….a sociopath thing and basic jerk thing. I can’t remember what prompted this in the car on the way to work. Something on the radio but it escapes me. I do, however, know the “train of thought” it provoked though…

I think people oversimplify significant life experiences for two reasons:

1. Deceit. They are knowingly hiding facts or omitting pieces of the puzzle about themselves that if you knew, would lead you in another direction. They are lying, covering things up, minimizing a situation avoiding accountability. Sweeping it under the rug. Oversimplifying… These people need a good shaking. They need someone to call their bs out! This was the way of the sociopath.

“I don’t know why we broke up, it came out of the blue.” “She’s simply crazy!” “I have a restraining order but it was a misunderstanding because she is bitter.” “I don’t know why….”

2. Fear. They would rather avoid telling it like it is because they fear connecting with the reality of life events; facts or how it actually is. They fear judgement. They fear what “appears to be weakness”. These are the “I’m fine.” “No big deal” “All good” “I’m okay” when the reality is they are not fine, they are not okay and it is not all good. They are not bad people. They are simply trying to survive, right now. They need someone to take them by the hand and say let it out lovey, I will not judge, I get it. Here’s my shoulder lean on it, that’s what it’s for…. ****Ironically this would apply to the Thursday night emergency.

A person of simple mind and heart would take these things at face value but the intuitve and caring mind and heart will simply not let it rest …

Yep, I’m a weirdo, this is the stuff I think about during my morning commute. This is part of why I am always so tired…. I think like this and then I see a Dodge Charger and then I think why am I driving this Nissan and not that machine? I visualize the Charger with a hemi in gun metal with killer wheels and then I go to lalaland a bit. Guys at work were recently talking about how in Vegas you can take fast cars out for a drive. I day dream about this a bit and then I get to work. Thought bubbles, that’s how I roll…

Idealization and Glorification

The way of the dreamer. Guilty! I have been a dreamer from birth. My parents were informed of this by my grade 1 teacher, who was no stranger to smacking a meterstick down on my desk to bring me back to Earth. I was also excruciatingly shy – these actions were a bit traumatic. She is always “dans la lune”; daydreaming. I am a dreamer, you’ll get no apology from me on that. It does; however, complicate my life at times because it makes things unecessarily hard or difficult to let go of.

I have been in a state of torment in two aspects of my life lately. My career is the first. I have spent 18 months going to an organization that on a Hollywood level has a sense of glamour and adventure. I have entered the building for this organization and been swept away. I allowed myself to dream, I placed the organization on a pedestal and glorified it to the highest degree. It’s all I wanted and they picked me. They said “We want you, sign here.” And I panicked. I questioned. I freaked out because another department turned around and said the same thing. What do I do, choose the dream or choose the true fit, the right fit, the “sure thing”? It’s about want and need again. I need a place that I know will allow me to see myself again, that will allow me to grow. A place that is safe and full of like minded people. When we glorify something, we will surely be let down. We make it difficult to see the beauty in other things because it has been so idealized we feel nothing can compare. My worth will not be rediscovered in the ideal, it will be found in collaborating with like minded people, creativity, opportunities to grow and in the support of people who see what I have to offer them within an hour of speaking with me when I don’t yet see it myself. That’s what I need.

I had glorified this other job opportunity to such a high level that this morning I actually felt like we were “breaking up”. A wise person has convinced me to take pride in the fact that under such scrutiny and high standards they did choose me but just because they chose me, doesn’t mean I need to choose them. It is not what I need and after everything I have been through the last couple of years, I would not survive the let down… I simply would not… The journey not the destination, right?

The other aspect of my life… That’s for another day… I’m just trying to stay grounded and take it day by day… Time will give me what I need there… Timing…

imageGlamourization…

I don’t know what was going to go here.

Decisions…

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“Morning K”

I sit and wait for a macro to run at work… And in comes an email on the bottom right corner of my screen… Mike a, subject: Trailer… My heart pounds as I have known it to pound the last couple of weeks and I feel sick… Fear… Why do I have to deal with this today? Why do I have to deal with this at all????

Same feeling I had Sunday morning when I finally checked voicemails  and heard “This is detective C from the Ottawa Police Service calling in regards to a report you filed…” Yeah 2 months ago! Then there are two subsequent messages where the officer gets pissy and tells me the file will be closed… Great, close the file! I’m sick of thinking about it. I’m sick of dealing in the reality that this psycho gets to walk among us. Close the file! Throw it away!  Burn it!  Remove it from my mind! Take that rotting piece of my heart while you’re there, amputate it so I never have to revisit it! Please take it from me, you can’t do anything about it but can you at least do that!?!? Take it from me and file it away under lock and key… Ugh.

It’s amazing the things your insides do when emotions run high, when Fear steps under the lamp post uninvited and lingers…

I open the email as Fear stands behind me, with its hand on my shoulder…

“Morning K…” Some blah blah blah about the trailer. Meh, just keep paying…I can’t deal. I don’t even care what it says! All I can see is the greeting… Who the f@%# does this lunatic think he is?

You don’t get to call me K, KK, special K, Miss K, angel, babe, princess… None of it! Only people I love and who truly love me can use such references, although there are some I can never hear again…

Just write the email, skip the greeting where you act like everything is normal. Where you act like nothing happened. Quit screwing with me!

And then I realize I am letting him. I am choosing this reaction. So, I remove Fear’s hand, finger by finger and send it on its way. My insides settle and I simply reply:  “K. Thanks.”

I am restless, in a state of flux, waiting, impatiently waiting for answers from here and beyond. I am feeling coo coo bananas.

Perhaps this ECA stack thing should be shelved until there’s some balance again…

I hate this restlessness…. It is not me…

The purge is good though.

I sit here and engage in conversations about my hair, it’s curly today, au naturel,  German names, horoscopes and no one is the wiser…. Life is bizarre some days!!!! Just bizarre – the masks we wear…

Let’s Meme it out… Get nerdy with me 😉

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Always alright,

Muah 💋

 

 

 

 

Life with a sociopath continued


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Is it because it’s Halloween? People soon masquerading as things they are not. Is it the moon? Is it the email that sat in my inbox at work yesterday? The email was nothing,  just blah blah blah about the trailer. Stalling… It’s seeing the name and the thick swallow that comes before opening the email.

I do know I set out to have some of this blog be about my life with a sociopath-narcissist. So this is a continuation of the blog post living with a sociopath…. Deep breath.

When you hear the word sociopath, you likely think of criminal behaviour…things the movies or crime shows tell us a sociopath might be. Scary, violent, serial killers…good people like myself would think based on Hollywood portrayals that a sociopath only exists in the movies and that encountering one would be rare. But this is not the case.

1 in 25 people is a sociopath and they are not typically serial killers as we know them from the silver screen. They are soul killers. They gleefully and without remorse tap in to your soul and set out to extinguish it’s light.

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When Maya and I spoke, she was convinced our sociopath was a pure narcissist but my instincts were sociopath. It turns out we are both right. He is both and he is evil. Ever looked a devil in the eye?

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So My relationship with the sociopath was on fast forward. He said and did, literally, the same things to me, Maya, Téanna. I’m sure if Téanna had have given him the engagement ring back, I would have been the third woman to sport it. Unlike the average person who might feel guilty doing such a thing, the sociopath would have gotten some sort of sick high out of it and in his psychosis wouldn’t have had a problem bringing me to mom and dad and having me show off a ring they’d already seen on the hands of the previous two women.

Meeting his family

That leads me to meeting his family. December 24, 2013. I was going to meet the family. It was Christmas, I was going to experience my first Christmas morning without my babies and I’m meeting this guy’s family for the first time. I’ve been waiting for it all day. He picks me up from work and starts telling me he doesn’t want to go, he fought with his mother and told her he wouldn’t be there. Chaos…drama…just the start of it. Who fights with their mom on Christmas Eve??? He told me he was close with his family and friends, especially his mother (Mirroring societal norms and mirroring what he knew I would want; a family oriented man). So how does someone close to their family, fight with their mom on Christmas Eve? They are a sociopath and they’ve lied to you. I made him get on the phone and call his mom, apologize and tell her we are going to be there. I adore Christmas and being with my family.

Red flag hello!?!? I did not like this. So we get ready to go and he is going in to work in the middle of the night. Yep knowing what I know now – he left me all alone to be with another woman on Christmas morning.

As we get ready, he says to me “We will not talk about me working overtime. We’re going to go for like an hour and then leave.” I am bewildered. Why are we lying about this? He claimed his uncle would get seriously annoying about it, calling him money bags and going on about the overtime. He didn’t want to deal with that. And so why do we tell them we’re leaving early? Then just before we leave he tells me his brother is crazy, that he tends to fly off the handle and say crazy things. He’s aggressive… Oh my God, at this point I was freaking out. What am I walking in to?

Hindsight:

  1. His dad was a big deal in the department of the City the sociopath worked for. His dad would have known there was no overtime or at least blown his lie up. Nothing to do with the uncle.
  2. The brother needed to be this crazy person to be feared because of the text. The text in which the sociopath pretended to be his brother. If the brother is crazy, then I am less likely to believe what he says. His brother is likely the only one in the family that does not enable his psychosis.

I was so stressed walking in to that place. We walk in and the room falls silent, the young people in the room (our age-ish) are looking at me like they’ve seen a ghost. Well, I’m the third woman within 3 years to come to Christmas. Vomit. Nobody says a word to us until we hit the kitchen. His aunt and uncle are welcoming. His parents too. His dad especially. I get introduced around the room and no one says anything. It is so messed up. The sociopath proceeds to put his head on his mom’s shoulder and starts sobbing. Wtf?

I, being compassionate and good, attribute it to the fact that the brother is bouncing his baby boy on his knee and the sociopath did not have his son. I convinced Téanna to bring the child on Boxing Day for an hour but she’d have none of Christmas Eve which makes sense now. In my mind he is crying for his son. Being me ,I step to the kitchen trying not to cry myself, to give his aunt the cheese ball I brought. Here I get a bottomless glass of wine for which I will take my first round of abuse on the way home.

Everyone was nice, they seemed normal. The only person that didn’t fit was the sociopath. People made some conversation with him but it was forced.

The uncle keeps pouring me wine. The sociopath tells me that’s the last glass we need to leave. We eat and the family is going to play euchre. I love euchre!! I wanted to play. The brother is friendly, offering me fudge. The sociopath says we are going home and I will not be playing euchre. No one gets why we have to leave. We can’t tell them about the overtime…. The sociopath is getting agitated, restless, he wants to leave. He has somewhere to be. I chug back my last bit of wine and we head out.

In the jeep, he unleashes on me. “I told you I wanted to leave by 11pm. You agreed. Instead, you keep drinking and then make me look like an asshole because we have to leave and you want to play euchre.”  How is this my fault? His uncle kept pouring the wine. No one understands why we are leaving. We can’t talk about the overtime. It’s my first time there. It’s Christmas for goodness sake!!! This tongue lashing goes on and on until we get home. 45 minutes of it!!! Even going to sleep. I went to sleep on Christmas Eve like that, no babies to wake up to and believing I was some insensitive woman given he had to get up in the wee hours and go to “work”.

I’ve had three deaths of family members at Christmas: my paternal grandfather, my aunt, and my mother-in-law. This Christmas was worse than those. At least in the loss there was love. This was abuse but he had me convinced I was insensitive. Me? What a farce, looking back.

The Red Flags

This would not be the last of it. It would exist in our daily lives. This chaos and abuse. It would come out of nowhere. It would lead to threats of abandonment. When questioned he would lie or deflect things making me the bad guy for questioning him. It would include character assassination.

He would take opportunities like talking about his first girlfriend to tear me down, hit my weak spots. I have stretch marks from babies. They started with my son because I gained too much weight too fast with him. They became worse having had 14+ pounds of baby in my belly with the twins. I am extremely self conscious about it. It impacts my self-esteem greatly. In talking about his exgirlfriend, he threw in she was super skinny, a runner and never wanted to have children because she didn’t want to ruin her body. He did things like this…under the radar, less overt than a lot of his abuse. Going for the Achilles…

I wish I could post his picture. This God’s gift looking down on everyone.

He’d pick me apart as a mother. Pick my kids apart. Go on about how he was sure they were better than this at their dad’s. This guy was a douchebag, they knew it and they were unhappy. I remember him going on about how he couldn’t live here, in this town home, the kids weren’t following his rules for the chocolate lab, I was not supporting his authoritarian dictatorship in the home. He ranted and ranted at me. I finally lost it, I came upstairs locked myself in the washroom and called Kim. I was breaking… It felt like a nervous breakdown… She had to talk me down – I had never made a call like that to her. Broken, hysterical and crying – we’ve known eachother 40 years. Even as angry as my ex husband was and as nasty as sleeping as the enemy could be, I never made a broken phone call like that. I’m the strong girl, who cries tears of compassion but typically keeps her shit together. Kim “You can’t go on like this. You’re an amazing mom. This has to be his last chance.” He was knocking on the bathroom door. I told him I was on the phone. This made him extra agitated. One he didn’t want to look bad because he is superficial and two if I start involving other people he loses control. His ability to completely extinguish my soul will be blocked. Damn right asshole!

This behaviour would be followed by fake apologies. The learning curve claim. I’m the most amazing person he’s met. He hadn’t known love until me. In speaking with Téanna, he made the same pleas to her…verbatim. I can’t explain that feeling. The abuse was bad enough. Knowing that he said the same things to her, to Maya…the loving things, the compliments, the good things you think only your soul owns. It wasn’t reserved for me and ultimately it was just a tactic. A calculated move.

June 2014. One of the worst moments for me, although they were all horrid, happened on his birthday. The Friday before, he worked “overtime”. The girls and I decorated the house, Abbie made a cake. I made a beer bottle cake I saw on Pinterest. The dining room table was taken up with gift bags. He was walking in to an undeniable celebration of him. We were excited. Saturday night we were going to go on a date and my son would watch the girls. He was acting a little strange. A lot of smoke breaks… Oh well. I got ready. I have a lot of hair so it took me over an hour. I put on a lace top, over which a jean jacket was going, black pants, and black boots with a low heel. I came downstairs and the girls were like “Oooh mommy, you look so pretty!”. Not the sociopath, he says “Can we talk upstairs?” . He proceeds to tell me he’s not going anywhere with me looking like this. I look like a slut and just want attention from other guys. A slut? I may have amped up the sexy a bit but a slut? No way. He says we’re not going out. All that effort for nothing. I wanted to look good for him! I wanted him to be proud. I wanted him to have a peacock moment like “That’s right boys, take a good look but I’m taking this cutie home.” It was insane. It went on and on. Pure insanity. I changed my top. Black Gap tshirt right up to the neck.

We got in the car at one point and then he decided he wasn’t hungry. We stopped in Sobeys parking lot where he proceeded to tell me he couldn’t be with someone who needed this kind of attention, who acted this way and matter of fact he’s not sure he even loves me! The devastation of those words. I don’t even know if I really love you!!! I’ve had two relationships previous and even in the worst of times it is not something that was ever said by either side.

I told him he could leave. I didn’t need this in my life. I spent my entire Friday night running around in storms, to get cake mixes, beer bottles and decorating my home for him. I’ve never had anyone speak to me like this. Complain that I look good and tell me they do not love me. Abuse. I’m not sure what he expected. I’m not sure if he had plans with someone else. I’m not sure if it was just sick fun. He backtracked of course because I was serious. Take the door and get out. He manipulated and managed to stay but things were just not going to sit right with me from this point on. I felt trapped we had signed on for the trailer and 4 wheelers and I was breaking, weak, tired and I let him stay. Ten more months. Ten more months of abuse, isolation from my friends, isolation from my parents.

He used my line of credit as Monopoly money for Kijiji deals. Felt entitled to my money. I should cover his debts and we would work as a team to pay it off.

Team work was his mantra. We’re a team babe.  Maya says this is her fault because in the end that’s how she convinced him to action stuff. Teamwork and joint bank accounts. He is a sociopath and he will develop his skills in order to succeed.

I read this crap I am writing and I can’t believe it. That is only a snapshot. A handful of examples. I’m a smart lady. I have two degrees. The other women are university educated as well. It’s something we ask ourselves “How could we be so stupid?”

Mirroring….

This:

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Then there were lots of tantrums, fake crying to manipulate. Statements like call my mom or call my dad when he was backed into a corner. Weird!!!  Téanna and I laughed over that one. Such an absurd statement. It was nice she and I could find laughter in this insanity. Both being broken, her more broken than me. She lives in a constant place of fear because they have a child. There is no closure for her ever.

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Tantrums of I’m leaving or going upstairs to mope. Texting me to come upstairs and then ranting at me over the fact there was no place on the couch for him or something stupid. The girls were likely snuggled in and getting my attention. He couldn’t lie his head on me for me to rub his head for the 50 millionth time or rub his lazy ass feet!

His ego…

He thought he was God’s gift. His mom told him he was. He has a weird thing with his mom. My mom says only I can pull of a pink shirt, my mom would say these pants are my style.

He loved the mirror. Every time he got off the couch he would check himself out and flex his non existent biceps with his lame tribal tattoo.  If we were out, he’d flex his bicep, looking at it when he’d put his elbows on the table. He would flex it when he got up to walk to the washroom. He was obsessed with himself, what’d he need me for??

I’m horrible at ego stroking. Im not the girl who’s gonna be like look at my big strong man carrying this or that. Unless it’s really noteworthy. Oh you cleared out the dishwasher. Great, thank you. Wait a minute don’t you live here too? Do I get an award when I wash your shit stained underwear?? Get over yourself. Unless we’ve done something monumental or pulled off a really chaotic day, you won’t get any achievement certificates from me from simply pulling your weight.  But he needed that desperately. “Bet no ones helped you like this before, right?” “You’ve never had anyone like this in your life right” Nope, never had anyone quite like you. The selfishness and empty promises, yep been there.

Then the question every woman loves “Am I the best lover you’ve had?” Yes, yes dear. Reality: Worst ever! Horrible lover. You can’t be selfish and be a good lover. Lazy… worst ever!!! Téanna and I had a chuckle over this too. Seriously, what were we thinking. He was ignorant, ill mannered and there was no mind blowing sex to cloud things. We had a good chuckle on that one.

He had constant questions/statements like this. Aren’t I the best because…

The day he came to get the rest of his stuff, Carly was here.  He had to go to the jeep to get a pen. We watched him as he checked himself out in the window before opening the door. I was like see! See how much he loves himself. Even in this moment he is checking himself out. Then he needs a hose and mount from downstairs. Out comes the bicep check and Carly is like Huh??? Sigh..  It is just sickening. Again, I wish I could post a picture so you can see…see the delusion!

Even in the ego existed insecurity and the shadiness. A weak handshake and no eye contact. All very bad signs. Everyone in my life hates the no eye contact. The initial first impressions were that he was a bad dude but I didn’t see it yet because I was being groomed…

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Living with a Sociopath


I wanted to create this blog to write down and unload my experience being in a relationship with a sociopath.  I hope that by having it up here it may help someone else either heal from or maybe even leave one of the worst situation’s you could find yourself in.  Better than my writings, I encourage you to go to datingasociopath.com if you see yourself reflected… I have a feeling my writings are going to take me longer than I thought…

I imagine if a 100 women wrote down their experiences, they would all have the same themes associated with their sociopath.

  • An inflated ego,
  • lying, manipulating,
  • controlling,
  • zero empathy,
  • an incapacity to truly love,
  • no remorse,
  • empty promises,
  • abuse (verbal and/or physical)….

My heart is pounding as I begin to delve into this. I am a very sensitive human being, I operate from a genuine place of love.  I am scared to dive into this because I know I cannot do this without connecting to the emotions of it.  I know when the examples I have to give start bubbling to the surface, they are going to play out in my mind like a movie.  I can only hope they unload here and stay here and then I can just get on with my day. This experience does not define me, it does not define how I love now or how I will love in the future. Has it wakened me up? Yes. My major lesson here and going forward in a romantic relationship is to “Trust myself first.” . Night after night, day after day of reading the blog datingasociopath.com, this is one thing that stood out.  Trust yourself first!!!  What does that mean for me? When the alarm bells go off, I will listen to them.  I will follow my gut always.  It has never lied to me, ever.  It has always been accurate. We have those alarm bells for a reason, for protection and survival. For the love of God, listen to your gut. You know the truth when you hear it and the opposite is also true – your gut will speak when lies are present. Sometimes it speaks immediately and sometimes it speaks in time but when it does, listen!  Mine was screaming. Someone recently asked me “If your alarm bells were sounding so loudly, why didn’t you listen and just end it?” Go to datingasociopath.com

I did not ignore the alarms per say.  I heard them. I questioned them with friends. I even questioned the sociopath to his face.  I exerted my backbone and called BS.  I’m an Aries, we’re not known for sugarcoating things or rolling over and just taking things. I fought back and I questioned the lies. I told him to leave a number of times.  His agenda was stronger and his abuse was breaking me. I was in denial. I was living from a place of fear sometimes masked as love. I didn’t want to have made the wrong partner choice again, I didn’t want to say what I was living out loud, I didn’t want to be this again… Recovering, searching, dating….  I have to pause here to cry…

http://datingasociopath.com/recovery-and-healing-after-dating-a-sociopath/learning-to-trust-after-a-sociopath-relationship/

I was in therapy for a grievance I had filed at work. I had been harassed at work along with other colleagues.  The grievance process is long and the burden of proof is on you the victim to prove it happened.  I was going to therapy for post-traumatic stress symptoms.  Symptoms that were emerging because I still had to work with the offender every day.  I had to listen to people sit in management meetings talking about the office’s ‘issues’ but no one doing anything about it. I had to repress my feelings and come in and do my job like nothing was going on. Eventually, my body was reacting to things before I even knew my mind was processing them. I was getting sick. I was startling easily. It was awful. In the meantime, the beautiful thing I thought I had with the sociopath was turning in to a nightmare as well. Near the end, I started discussing it with my therapist. I needed someone neutral to tell me to get the hell out! I had had an argument with the sociopath about his behaviour, him not paying me money back, not following through on promises and treating me like garbage and he told me I just needed to get over this thing at work. I got my answer, an investigator said the harassment was founded now move on.  If I would just move on from this work “issue” we wouldn’t fight!  The things he said and did would not upset me. There it is zero empathy!! I spent a year and a half of my life proving that someone harassed me at work, that my work environment was poisoned. Constantly reliving and rewriting the harassment and not sure if I was going to be believed… I brought him with me to the hearing… “On two counts of harassment, we conclude that harassment ocurred.” Founded! I started to bawl in that meeting. The only person out of 4 people including the sociopath who had any empathy was the labour relations officer. Tears bubbled in the officer’s eyes and he got up and got me Kleenex. The sociopath just sat there. One arm resting on the back of his chair like he was king shit or something. No hand hold, no post meeting hug. This sociopath needed others to think he was amazing, so he looks at my union rep and says you take care of this lady she is special. But then when behind closed doors he wants to analyze the situation forcing me to relive it all again and then using it against me to defend his own behaviour. This is key to a sociopath’s success finding out about you and then using it against you for sport, for a thrill and for control. I tell my therapist that this guy is telling me I should just get over it and that if I would just do that then we would be okay.  And then I just start spilling the beans, the money, the abuse, the empty promises, the alienation…

She says “K, that is mental abuse…” She gets up and goes to her filing cabinet.  Pulls out two documents  that list all of the signs of abuse… He has been using you, manipulating you and abusing you…. My thinking is why? I’m not rich.  Why use me? There’s nothing elaborate to be had here. But I had enough…it was a place to stay instead of at his parents or when the victim before me decided to boot him out.  I paid his debts. I gave him the opportunity to upgrade his vehicle, to buy skidoos, to get a trailer he could use, 4 wheelers and someone he could control for a while. It’s so hard for me to conceive of the fact that someone would behave this way.  That they weren’t in it to love me. They weren’t in love with me. I was a means to an end.  People like this exist in the movies, soap operas, Criminal Minds… not in my life! Being a good person, it strikes me hard.  People like me, genuine and highly empathetic tend to be hit extra hard by these realities because we genuinely operate from a premise that other people are as good as we are. That most people operate from a good place with good intentions.  The sad reality is that this is not the case.  If you are a highly sensitive and empathetic human being –  you may be wise to post this reality on your bathroom mirror in some form.  “Trust yourself first!” Not everyone is as good as you are.  Not everyone in this world comes from a place of good.  The truth can be horrifying, when you finally let it in;  it will be horrifying to face it but the horror ends and you get to be alive again. You get to connect with people and sparkle! Choose life, choose love – choose you!

Some people get their thrills from conning others, it’s an adrenaline rush. They enjoy pulling one over on you. They enjoy wasting your time and energy. They enjoy isolating you from the people you love and causing chaos in your relationships with others. They think they are God’s gift but at the same time they are insecure.  They need to break you to feel empowered and they don’t feel a damn thing in doing it other than pleasure and satisfaction. It’s sick! It’s a sociopath!  It’s life with a sociopath and you need to get out!  Get out and save your beautiful soul, let it live, let it shine, let it love and be loved.  That’s what you deserve. Please go to datingasociopath.com and read it until you get it! Thank God for this woman’s writings.  It will be horrifying at first, to see yourself reflected there. To finally wake up to the harsh reality. But it will be worth it because you will see that the sociopath owns all of this.  You will see you can move on. Find strength there, I did!

Remember make No Contact with the sociopath once you are out. I have failed to do this because of financial stuff and it does set you back. Read my post on just an email from a sociopath.  That was a set back. Just writing this now – I realize I need my lawyer to communicate with him; to do the status checks.  I’m still learning because I’m not completely free yet and when I feel strong I forget…

Okay, so I have derailed a lot…it’s messy in there…so many thought bubbles wanting release. I’m going to try to subtitle to keep a focus…

Meeting the Sociopath

I met him online.  Out of everyone I was chatting with, he was the first one to call me instead of texting me. Wow, I thought that was super impressive. I thought it was a sign of maturity and i found it super charming and exciting.  I romanticized it. Later, I would discover that the phone calls were a means to having nothing in writing.  Nothing could be used against him this way.  He could lie and cause confusion and doubt because there would be nothing to go back on.  “You’re confused, that’s no what I said, what I meant was….”  The mind games would be put in writing to a point, the I love yous, the babes, the you’re my angel, babe please call me and then the phone calls would speak differently. Ugh…

I gave the sociopath an hour and a half of my time on our first date. He talked about his son as though he had a regular schedule with him. He claimed he had a close relationship with his family. He was fixated on the fact that I lived in the country for 12 years. Claimed he had been to where I lived several times. He asked A LOT of questions, a lot (assessment phase)!!! I saw this as interest but he was simply assessing how easily I could be duped, where my weaknesses were and what he needed to mirror to suck me in.

After our date, he called me right away to tell me what a great time he had. Bonus points. He called me back again to say he called his parents to tell them what a great girl he had met and that I was from the country. I found this weird. He laid it on thick about me being the real deal and how you just know the real deal when you meet them. He laid it on thick. I had been used to, I’m not sure I want a relationship, I’m not sure I want to be a dad, I’m no good for you…blah blah blah…to all in in an hour???? It was highly unusual.  He was all in immediately! Red flag 1 000 006. I analyzed it but decided to romanticize it instead, of course someone could love me at first sight, right? Maybe…but not this time.

He wanted to meet my children right away. Mommy rule #1 no meeting my babies until you prove yourself worthy. He convinced me otherwise…within days. I had an out here as I called him one afternoon while at work, he started talking to me like he had me confused with another girl, this felt especially bad and the alarm bells went off.  I hung up on him. He called back 1000 times. He would not stop calling. He claimed he had been napping and was confused. I told him our next date was off, he ‘cried’ on the phone going on about how he knew I was the real deal and he had blown it. We didn’t talk for several days. I felt like maybe I overreacted, that maybe I was letting residual past relationship stuff make me judge him too harshly. So, I made a decision I will always regret…I texted him and invited him back in.

When I texted him, his “brother” responded back. Hey is this K, M just stepped out to move a fence this is his brother J. I’m so glad you texted him, he’s been so upset, I’ve never seen him this way…blah blah blah blah blah…it went on and on. How close they were. How great his parents are. How he works too hard. And on and on and on… It was out there… I called my BFF and said his brother is texting me, I kinda think it is him. We both agreed it was kinda sweet and did what stupid girls do and romanticized, turned it into Hollywood stuff instead of what it was which is psycho!!!! Again – alarm bells ignored. Sigh. It came out when I found Maya’s benefit card and I made him spill the beans. It was him, not his brother. Duuhhh! His brother barely acknowledged his presence whenever we visited his family which was rare.

Thanksgiving, rolled around and I headed to the cottage. Kids were with their father. I was texting with him. He convinced me to ask my parents if he could join us after three hours of me saying no, I finally caved. I was going against my gut again. Three weeks in and you’re meeting my parents – completely insane! This was more of the assessment phase. Meet the parents, see if he is going to be able to play out his game. Who might get in his way. Who does he need to eliminate to gain ultimate control. Who did he need to cause friction with. He would become the reason I would have the first and worst argument ever with my father causing me not to see my parents for months, miss out on the cottage for the first summer ever in my entire life. My kids didn’t get to see their grandparents. It was strained and all unnecessarily because of him. Because he is a sociopath.

He wanted to meet everyone in my life quickly so that he could assess the level of difficulty in gaining control here.

Chaos and Bliss?

Within two months he moved in, against my better judgement, my gut and single mommy rule #2. No living together until a real and tested commitment is in place.

My son didn’t like this. I don’t blame him. He came in told everyone they were doing a piss poor job. I was an inadequate housekeeper, my children were ingrates who didn’t value me or respect me,  and we were so lucky he was there to turn things around. He was especially horrible to my son because he could see we had a good bond. He didn’t like that, he wanted to be the centre of attention. And so began the boomerang of my home being beneath his standards and my children being horrible; to us being the best things ever, amazing. Damn I hate that word sometimes it was so overused and a lie out of his mouth.

He had this weird fixation with his parents. His mom keeps her house immaculate. We should take my children there to see what a home should look like. We should go to his friends’ house to see how their kids were and how clean their houses were. They were all loaded and had cleaning ladies!!! He went on about how his mom always kept a clean house. It turned out she was a stay at home mom throughout their elementary school days!!  Well, fuck you buddy! I’m a single mom of three kids! I work all day! And I have my kids all the time! I’m exhausted! It’s all I can do to make dinner and prepare for the next day. Getting down on my hands and knees and scrubbing the floor with a toothbrush or polishing the microwave every five minutes is not in the cards. If it bothers you so much why don’t you clean it when you get home at 2pm. You’re not  paying rent. It’s the least you could do… Nope instead lets text about how inadequate my home is for your high standards the entire 40 minutes I am on the bus and then let’s talk about it all night – repeating and repeating and repeating. Rules would be made, strict ones that no one could live up to here. Then I would hear about it. He would threaten to leave. Saying weird things like,” I can’t live here, my parents wouldn’t want to see me living in a townhouse. It’s too small here. I used to own a single home. I can’t invite my parents here. Your kids don’t respect me and you don’t support my rules… How much is a man supposed to take?” Well, a man wouldn’t act this way. A man wouldn’t force their way into someone’s home, not pay a cent, criticize the home, tell another how to parent…a man would roll up his sleeves and alleviate some work for a single mom, pay his share and offer support not criticism. But we’re not talking about a man, we’re talking about a sociopath.

He threatened to leave a lot in the beginning and I told him where he could find the door. I think he believed I would beg him to stay. Why would I? I don’t need him… Me holding the door open made him have to change his plans and back track. He would then play the card that he had never live with anyone and he had never really been around children. It was a learning curve. Further, I am such a special sweet woman and he can’t stand to see my children take advantage of me…yadda yadda yadda.

My children aren’t perfect but they are good human beings, fun, caring and yeah sometimes life gets away on us and it’s not perfect here but they are loved, they cared for and they are happy. I have given up on a better homes and gardens show home. I’m only one person and I’m tired more than I could give a crap to scrub the floors everyday. When he list the my mom is a better housekeeper battle. He started in on my son. Making my son hate him. My son started going to the basement instead of hanging with me. He tried to charm the girls and got them on side. This guy was just a nightmare, every day was a battle o et some stupidity. It was exhausting.

I convinced myself that I needed to drop the hammer and get my kids onboard with cleaning rules and rules rules rules. I couldn’t sustain it. It was setting everyone up for failure and giving him the opportunity to cause chaos and love it.

He would step up. Help me with groceries. Clean the odd time. Pick the girls up after school so I didn’t stress on the way home. Have supper waiting some nights. Bring me coffee every Saturday morning without fail.

This is the dance we would do. Moving between amazing to questionable. He seduce. He would say things like how have you done this all on your own die so long. You’re an amazing woman. I’ve never met anyone like you. I didn’t know family could be like this. I wish we had met 8 years ago, we could have had a child. We could have been married. We would make gorgeous children. Oh he laid it on and then he would whip the rug out and stir things up again in some way. If it wasn’t domestic life, it was questioning my friends, questioning my friends or even questioning me. I’m surprised I didn’t just collapse from sheer exhaustion.

He wanted me to sell my home. We needed a bigger home. He harped on this. Thankfully, this house is not in my name. Oh my I don’t even want to think what Hell I would be in…Maya’s Hell and worse.

There were good times, trips to Saint Sauveur, skidooing together. I loved skidooing – I loved the speed, getting air as in taking mogel jumps. Stopping at a shack, folk music… Maybe again someday… Mostly I was isolated in the home.

There was no money really to do anything once accounts were joined as he had so many financed things. His Jeep payment was 800 dollars a month! Like wtf! The Narcissist in him thought everyone wanted him. Everywhere we went he was like the guy at the cash just said how sweet my jeep is. It’s a jeep not a Porsche get over yourself! In the beginning of the relationship he had to call me all the time to tell me some girl just hit on him but he told her he was going home to his fiancée (I want to vomit). Some girl ahead of him at Tim’s bought his coffee. Everyone wanted him but I was the lucky girl he came home to. I could only take this for so long. I snapped. I was like we are both attractive people, I’m going to assume without a doubt that you are coming home to me, I don’t need to hear every day about this woman and that. I get free coffees. I get acknowledged. I’ve had a chef not capable of taking my order and blaming it on my dress and then bringing me and Kim dessert on the house. I’ve gotten phone numbers and business cards that went in the trash… It stays there, in that moment unless it is over the top ridiculous. Why would I bring that home? He needed to make sure I knew what a lucky woman I was that he could have anyone else on any given day. Whacko!

He used to pick fights and then threaten to go in to work at like midnight. One night I’d had enough and refused to let him sleep after he disturbed my sleep to rant about some inconsequential lunacy and then threatened to go to work when I didn’t agree with his insane rantings. I went to sleep on the couch to get away from him. He followed and then said he’d go to work and give me my bed. He literally repeated the same words over and over and over when he argued. I went upstairs. He followed and then started to get into bed. I flicked on the light and was like oh no you don’t. Follow through, I’m done with your threats go to work. He didn’t know what to do. “I can’t go now. I’d have to call my boss.” Ugh…so exhausting the chaos dance! Constant chaos.

Phone calls and control

I literally did not have a minute to myself. Some days I entertained the thought of cancelling my cell phone plan so I could have a break. At first, it was great to have so much attention. It felt good. But then it was unrelenting. Constant texts and phone calls. This was control. Text all the way to work. As soon as my butt hit the chair in my cubicle he’d call. He’d call all day long and text all the way home. When I started driving to work. He would call and talk the whole way there and then the same again on the way back home. Call my cubicle all day long. I had no breathing room. No time to myself. No time to think. No time to talk anyone else.  It was great when I could go to the gym at lunch. Peace. If I walked away from my desk I would return to 10 missed calls back to back every minute or two. Insanity!

At home, if he worked overtime, he called all the time. Even the kids were like “It’s M, why does he call so much!!” We’d be starting a movie or playing a game. Seriously if you had to leave the house to work then work already!!! Controlling and smothering…

At first the attention was nice. It boosted the ego but then it just became exhausting like everything else. Just draining. Don’t get me wrong, I want to know that I am on the next fellows mind. I expect there will be a good deal of texting in the beginning  when we can’t spend a lot of time together… Every minute of the day – not so much.

I used to think there is no way he could have been cheating because he called all the time. He also smoked like a chimney so he likely stepped away to do that during his overtime…

You’d think after the break up that would bring a huge sigh of relief – the silence. But the silence is unsettling at first, it causes a restlessness. Some let down and a bit of depression. It’s crazy! Maya and I discussed and labeled it M withdrawal. It was messed up. Maya’s words “The withdrawal from M is intense!”

Now, I have my morning commute back. I get to crank my tunes and sing. It’s awesome!!! I get to play my music and dance in the shower. I have my music back. Some me time. I can breathe and it’s fantastic!!! 🙂

I listen to Country 94 right now and here are some of the songs you’ll catch me cranking or singing along to…

Keith Urban   John Cougar John Deere        John 3:16

Luke Bryan  Strip it down

Gonna Blake Shelton

 

Kick the Dust Up

Boys round here

Fly

Lose my mind

Break up with him

House Party…..

 

Always alright

Muah 💋

 

 

 

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*****I can’t do this today folks.  My Sunday is free, I have so much to do before the kids get home.  Groceries, tidying, laundry… I may try again later…I am leaving what I have so far, as incoherent as it is and I encourage you to go to datingasociopath.com in the meantime, it will be your saviour.  If you know me, go read it and it will help you understand why a wicked smart chick like me stayed…it will help you see how amazingly strong I am to be functioning so well and to be open to love again…I am doing my best… I am healing…

Sorry, I just can’t do it for Now

 

The Calm Ignites the Storm

No, no typo in the title, I know it is typically “the calm before the storm”. Once you’ve dated a sociopath, nothing is typical anymore. Realizing you are calm after a hectic day initiates some self-reflection and then the crocodile tears that refuse to be contained… “Why am I struck like lightning about the realization that I am calm right now?” This feeling comes as I am describing to my mother, a hectic morning, as mornings typically are being a single working parent of three children (any parent really)… I tell her that my son missed his bus and I ended up having to drive him and then I say but I’m over it, what can ya do, I’m calm and those words are an epiphany – I’m calm. Life wasn’t perfect today but I’m calm. Most people will think “Yeah kids miss the bus, big deal, you should be over it!” but 8 months ago, instead of typing this, I would have been dealing with the Sociopath and he would have had me carry my inconsequential and in all likelihood common to most households morning to bed – fuelling me to believe that my children were bad and had no respect for me – ranting on about how I (me) can’t have failure in the mornings and ultimately creating chaos and struggle out of a really mundane thing. Further, I should be grateful for his abuse masked as concern and that this was ‘love’.
 My beautiful angels…I’m sorry.
The chaos…he loved the chaos – he thrived in chaos and trying to ruin everything that was beautiful in my life. Everything that made me sparkle and shine, he wanted to destroy it to boost his already inflated ego. The narcissist needed to control my sparkle, actively dulling it and then rebuilding it with lies as if he were the one who cared for me the most and successfully convincing me of this for a while. I’m not a huge fan of roller coasters and this would be my least favourite of them all.
Five months and this stuff still creeps into my mind and affects me. I think I’m good and then boom comes that Mac truck!
This moment in my life, an average convo most 40 year olds likely have with friends and family is not atypical in the aftermath of a relationship with a sociopath. A song, a phrase, a card you thought you had tossed and the shitstorm that is heartache ensues. The disappointment, the tears, the bewilderment abounds….I don’t understand it…never will. Being calm didn’t upset me – realizing it was the first time I was connected to calm in 2 years upset me…
Dry your eyes and sleep….one of three perfect little souls crawls in beside me in the night and then comes glorious sleep.
6am – I turn to Jillian Michaels for an ass whooping to undo the weight gain and build the deflated muscle that now exists on this shell, in the wake of near complete destruction and emotional ruin. Hard to believe that two years ago I could walk in to a clothing store grab what I wanted and never try it on, I was boxing and completing Olympic style deadlifts, I registered for Spartan and Prison Break – I was empowered and ready to take anything on. This wasn’t in my plan…
M and Ms, Smarties :), ginger molasses cookies, Timmies, pizza, pop, chai lattes – I figure my body is now 90% fat from these yummy treats and 10% tears waiting to bubble out without warning. My food buddies. Triggers of happy childhood memories and Christmas (Chai), I love Christmas… Indulgence is not what I need…
Bye little chocolate buddies…… 10k I’m coming for you!
24 year old self, I’m coming for pieces of you too! <3 I loved your sparkle and spunk. I miss you 🙂
Love is stronger than hate. Muscle has to be damaged to be strengthened through self-repair. The heart is a muscle…
“So, what made you think you could take a life
And just push it, push it around
I guess to build yourself up so high
You had to take her and break her down”Read more:  Keith Urban – Stupid Boy Lyrics | MetroLyrics

Always Alright….
Muah 😉
Check out these blogs:
datingasociopath.com It may be helpful if you’ve survived loving a sociopath. I spent 3 months reading this blog every night over and over and over.
themanblog.ca True love exists and although there is grief here it is about real and undying love. This helps me feel in a different way and feel hopeful that ‘it’ can be found…somewhere with someone beautiful inside and out…I choose to see the love story in both the pictures and the words – romantic love, motherly love, love of life.  Everyone should be so lucky to find a love like this, to have a beautiful Evelyn light up their soul. It’s heart wrenching but there’s beauty all over these pages.