Tag Archives: turning points

Call me indispensable…

I logged in to a match.com account yesterday, I don’t know why. Curiosity, boredom, intuition? I created the profile when a friend called me over to drink wine and create her own profile. I created it because hers was glitching so we were testing whether it was Match, wifi or whatever. I didn’t delete it.

I swiped right and left, feeling nauseous as I lingered in the place where people have become dispensable, where I have been dispensable. Throw them in a no pile or a yes pile. Go on a date all the while thinking Mr. Rightnow should be nookin4nub instead. Dispense and on to the next one.

So, I come to a profile, a “match”…clearly a first responder. When I click on it, a “More like this:” section appears. First profile up: firefighter. “Online now”. This is why I signed in. Intuition. The universe rattling my cage saying “End this, you deserve so much more than this! WTF are you doing girl?”

I’ve spent hours being a therapist, listening to someone pine for an ex who has already moved on. I’m happy to help, to listen, to be a shoulder. However, when you figure out someone is still in love with someone who still exists here among us, you have to remove yourself from the equation. Hours of being weighted down when I’m trying to live lightly and purely. I’m no runner up, I’m not here to compete with anyone else, I’m not some interim girl and I’m certainly not here to convince anyone of my worth. I will not do that ever again. I will not spend energy defending my worth and value.

I’ve only ever discovered heartache in online dating. Sociopaths, narcissists, and the awesomely unavailable or unattainable perhaps. God, I hope when I find him it’s at the grocery store, dentist’s office, gym or coffee shop. I have zero faith in the online world.

Four weeks after leaving the relationship, the narcissist was back on POF. It’s not a good feeling being dispensable to others.

Get back in the corner faith, you’re better off there for now. I’ll replace your blanket of fear with romantic love. That way, when it’s time, when you rejoin the other components of my heart, maybe I’ll feel the magic again and feel it’s real.

Until then…self-care and teenagers. That’s where my energy belongs.

Oh happy day…

Today was a grrrrrreat day!!! I have moved from fear to happiness. In two weeks, I will start a new chapter of my life. It is exciting and nerve wracking but mostly just amazing. I look forward to looking forward to getting out of bed each day and going to work. To enter a building I have been dreaming of as an employee and not just a visitor. It has been a long time coming and I will not carry question marks with me on this journey any longer! No more what if I had… I’m excited!! Thank you to Carly for bringing me clarity and making sense because you are just incredibly smart!

A colleague thinking I was on my last days at my current place of employment came in when he wasn’t supposed today. Here are three people who have no idea the impact they have had on me simply by being themselves everyday. Simply by sharing a space with me. They are all just wonderful. I will miss them. But I will tell them what they mean to me before I leave. Hopefully without tears but this is me we are taking about…. Oye… I got teary just thinking about saying goodbye to them and my heart filled when my fellow Aries was like “What? I thought you were gone Friday!?!?! Why did I come in? But then we all made our way to the kitchen and laughed. Read our horoscopes and analyzed. Jay Jones read us the recipe section of the Metro and I told him which ones he should make and bring in for us. Then we went back to our cubicles and I cursed him for the hundreds of chocolates waiting at his desk to be eaten. They celebrated with me this afternoon when I confirmed my date of departure. All smiles like proud parents. They are amazing people. A tribe I leave behind physically but I will always have what they have given my spirit. Renewal. Belief in the existence of good humans again. Kindness. Hard work. Integrity. Laughter. Work family. I will miss these three immensely!

I have been sitting here thinking about what I can get them before I leave. Questions about notes in kids’ lunches makes me remember a friend initiating a kindness jar for someone. And I think oh yes!!! That’s it I will leave them a variation of an affirmation or memories jar. Notes they can pull out each day leading up to Christmas.

I will do this for my kids and for other special humans in my life.

Here is a link to a “You Are” jar… I will make a variation on this. I like the tag on this jar.

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Check out the full post on how to do a You Are jar here  http://geekclubbooks.com/2013/11/you-are-jar-of-positive-affirmations/

I would add photos with notes on them about the moment captured. Make it to suit your personality and the needs of the recipient. So much fun!! I can’t wait to start mine. Mason jars can be found cheap at the dollar store along with stickers and tags oh my! Love this!

Bring on Friday!!! Friday is going to be epic! Well, the whole damn weekend is gonna be. Fast forward please!!!

This is what today was like. Happy! The pictures we take at our friends’ request. My daughters laughed hard in taking this one. I thought I might pee my pants.

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Muah 💋